'My MIL says I don’t deserve more children after I had a miscarriage then asks my husband if I’m still mad at her.' AITA? UPDATED 3X
"My MIL says I don’t deserve more children after I had a miscarriage then asks my husband if I’m still mad at her."
I realize that most people will think I have to be kidding when I say this but yes this actually happened, not all at the same time, but the lack of sensitivity is appalling to me none-the-less. I will provide context as follows. MIL (56), Husband (29), myself (28), and my daughter (3), all live together.
To be fair, she and husband lived together before I was in the picture. They had some hard times and he ended up buying a house so she had a place to live. He gave her the master bedroom, because at the time he had no plans for a family (he had definitely not met me yet ?).
Rewind to when hubby and I start working together. We met at FedEx, we are both drivers. We loaded our trucks together. I didn’t know what it was about him but I needed him to be in my life.
He and I grew to be close friends (I had a boyfriend at the time and was relatively fresh from a divorce that ended an 8 year relationship). He and I had an opportunity to go out of town for our jobs.
I was concerned being in a new town by myself and he offered we go up the same week. This was a completely innocent invitation. We go up for work in his car, my brother’s fiancé had messed up my car and I needed new tires.
We jammed to Eminem the whole way. Let’s just say over the next week we grew closer. And I mean intimately so. (Yes I am the AH for cheating on my BF that’s another story but by this point.)
I had emotionally checked out and he was starting to show signs of abuse similar to my ex-husband). This was a completely clean break (you will need to know this for later). I did not sleep with my now ex-BF after having relations with my now husband. I had a period after that too on 12/17/20. However this was my last period. ? after 4 years of infertility my hubby and I were expecting a baby.
Both of us were aware of the risks of sleeping with each other. I was under the impression I couldn’t get pregnant. He didn’t care if I did. And at the beginning we honestly weren’t sure if it was his or exs. At the first US our baby was 9 wks and not 13.
This told us that the date of my last period was correct and that our daughter could only be his (he didn’t care either way and was convinced by this point this baby was going to be his regardless). I love him so.
Fast forward to me living with him for a while, in HIS house and his mom not liking anything about it. She was convinced our daughter wasn’t his. I used an old therapy outlet to air my frustrations with our relationship as at this point I was very pregnant, hormonal, and she was very mean, 53, able bodied, and essentially mooching off of us while we were saving for a baby.
To be honest what I wrote was god awful. I mean I was wretched in this letter. I tucked it in a book with the intention to throw it away. My mom came over one day and we overhauled the house. I mean full on nesting like crazy. I found said letter and my mom and I read it and threw it away and forgot it existed.
Then on to after my daughter was born. MIL became increasingly irritable. Picking fights with me, calling me names, saying I was lazy, (new mom recovering from emergency c-section that I literally almost died from and needed a transfusion for).
So yeah kind of hard to take care of a house at that point in my life. I wasn’t financially a burden or anything. I had saved up plenty of money to pay all my bills, and help hubby with theirs for 4 months after giving birth. She didn’t care. She thought I was a gold digging hussy because she wasn’t privy to our finances.
Well, I then found out from hubby who got a random text from his sister that that day mom and I cleaned the house, MIL didn’t trust us and wanted to make sure I didn’t throw out any of hubby’s “prized possessions” so she literally dug through all the trash bags and let’s just say, yes, she found THE letter.
Hubby told me this and this explained SO f-ing much(at the time). She to this day doesn’t know I know she found it.
But also why dig through someone’s trash? WTF?
Anyway, fast forward to hubby and I are trying to have another baby (we had to wait two years due to c-section). She doesn’t understand why we want more because our daughter is so perfect and she needs to be a kid first.
She continued to make rude remarks to us about why we shouldn’t have kids. Well the next summer we got pregnant and didn’t tell her because she was so rude to us about having more children.
She found out when I had to go to the hospital and be treated for the miscarriage. She kind of seemed sympathetic at the time as she had had a miscarriage when she was younger, before hubby was born.
I thought we had bonded but that quickly went out the window. We had started toddler proofing our home and she would not help us keep our daughter out of things but would yell at her when she sprayed cleaning products all over the house(they were locked behind cabinets and she refused to lock them back), or broke her things.
We also installed a lock on her door so she could keep our daughter out of her room. She was under the impression that our toddler just should learn to not mess with things she shouldn’t instead of actively helping us create a safe environment.
We also informed her when our daughter learned how to unlock the front doors so anytime someone stepped out to let the dogs out they needed to take a spare key with them and lock the deadbolt behind them. She again refused to comply.
Well one evening I was cooking dinner and doing dishes. She was home with us and I had asked for her to help me keep an eye on daughter because I was busy (doing things she said I never do and called me lazy for go figure right).
Well the inevitable happened. She walked out the front door. And I heard silence. I went into full on panic mode. I searched the house for my daughter. I saw the front door open. I ran out side shouting. MIL was standing there with daughter in tow and livid.
I asked her why she didn’t lock the door and said it scared the hell out of me. She yelled at me for being irresponsible because my daughter could have died and she let the dogs out and now they were missing.
I yelled back because this was her fault and I told her that I should be mad at her for endangering my child when all she had to do was lock the door. She then said the thing. She said “this is why you don’t deserve children. You are so irresponsible that you can’t even keep your eyes on one, what the hell are you going to do if there were two.”
That was the day I quit trying to get her to like me. I was defeated. Not only had I almost lost my daughter. My miracle daughter, but this woman had told me I didn’t deserve children after knowing that I had just lost a child. Something that she herself had been through.
The icing on the cake, we are now expecting another child and when hubby went to tell her a month after we announced to my family, she argued with him about whether or not it was his.
Mind you we have been together now for 5 years, our daughter is 3, we had a miscarriage, we’ve been married for two years, and this woman is still living in our house for free.
I don’t use the word hate for anyone ever but I can tell you that after finding out about her reaction to the most amazing news since losing a child together, I hate this woman. I have since been LC to NC.
I went on the road with my husband for work and took our daughter with me. And now she only gets to see us when it’s convenient for us. And if I go back home for some reason, I stay at my mom’s and let her watch our daughter.
I do not think I owe this woman my time, my sanity or the ability to even have a relationship with the children that she thinks shouldn’t exist and aren’t her sons anyway. She asked him if I am still mad at her because I won’t start conversations with her or acknowledge her presence when we are in the same room and my answer to him was YES I AM.
She is evil and toxic and I hate that the only reason I haven’t made him kick her out is because we are working away from home and need someone to take care of our house. I want her gone. In another state, something so she’s far away from me.
I know he loves her and I know he sticks up for me and I’ve heard their conversations and he spends more time yelling at her than not, but I just can’t be around her anymore.
Please tell me I’m not crazy because sometimes this woman literally makes me insane. I could share more stories of the tiffs we’ve had that has led up to this but if feel like this is at least a good start.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
OP, this is how you handle a toxic person!!!! You took as much as you can and when she pushed just that much further, that line was crossed and she no longer gets to live in your world. This is the way!!!!
You need to live apart. She needs to move out before second baby is here. Sell the house and by a new one. Fresh start.
sapphire_vixen_96 (OP)
We are actually considering this. We have a huge job opportunity in the works that would take us to a different state and she is not welcome to follow us. Plus she has not one but two boyfriends.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
First of all thank you all for the feedback! I don’t know how to post updates so I linked the original post to this one. I googled it. I don’t know so if anyone has instructions please share with me!!! Anyways this chaos continues as follows:
MIL was told that due to a work thing we don’t need to go back home tomorrow (our boss had asked for a favor that required us to visit our hometown). This woman asked my husband if she could meet us halfway and take our daughter for TWO days. She also told him she bought a new high chair for the baby and some clothes for our daughter and the baby that she thinks are “really cute.”
I told husband that I’m not okay with that and he said he thinks she just misses our daughter since she’s only had the company of our dogs and her rich BF lately and she’s obviously lonely.
And she made corned beef and cabbage, which he noted she has never made in his life and is something only I have ever made and he thinks she made it for me because I make it every year around St. Patrick’s day. He is still on route delivering packages and just lost service so we didn’t get to finish our conversation. I will post another update later!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
MIL will revert quicker than you can blink. Don’t fall for it. Her way of apologizing is to NOT accept responsibility for the damage that she’s already done and for I g you to normalize her behavior.
Get your husband to read these threads about MILs and force him to understand just what you are enduring. That’ll help him realize that it’s time for his mother to leave. When you nuke the bridge there’s no rebuilding it.
Accepting her non-apology will only show her that she can do or say whatever she wants if she just buys a gift. If she's lonely, it is because she's driven people away.
Don’t fall for her tactics and whatever you do, don’t let her take your daughter!! I wouldn’t eat her cooking either!!! Updateme!
The next day, the OP returned with another update.
Last night over dinner I told my husband no again. He was thinking it would be nice for us to have some “alone time.” I explained yes I would love to have some alone time with him but I am uncomfortable with our daughter being 4 hours away for any amount of time with his mother.
She has repeatedly made issues for us anytime she’s watched our daughter for more than a couple hours and for her to think she can handle her for two days is ridiculous. I don’t trust her and she can wait until this next weekend when we have plans to be home for a birthday party anyway.
Plus if our daughter were to get hurt we would be 4 hours away and with our jobs we couldn’t just drop everything to be with her. He said that our daughter can get hurt while with us, to which I said yes, but then we would be there with her. She needs us.
Regardless of her feelings or what she wants I’m not letting her get our daughter. I’m going to stand firm on this and he said he’s going to tell his mom “we aren’t comfortable with that idea.” Will update with her reaction!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s second update:
Yes! Stand your ground. We are rooting for you.
Your first duty as parents is to protect your daughter. You’re doing the right thing.
Tell your husband “find a different babysitter for our dates” why is this hard for him to understand?
sapphire_vixen_96 (OP)
My little brother is on the road with us and he watches her when we go on dates anyway.
Two hours later, the OP returned with their final update.
Okay so he called her and told her we weren’t comfortable with her having our daughter. She told him she understood but is upset because she misses her. He told me that he thinks she’s sad because she still might have cancer and she is currently on medication to prevent her abnormal cells in her breasts from getting worse.
I told him I’m sorry and I understand but I honestly have no sympathy for her. Not after the way she has treated me. He said he just wishes she could spend time with our daughter because she’s his only parent who actually can. (His dad’s work schedule and where he lives makes it hard for him to watch her. I do trust and love his dad though. He’s great people).
I told him that his mom’s relationship with me is the way it is because of her. Her actions her words, her lack of empathy, her inability to apologize and take responsibility for her actions.
We are at this point in our lives because of her and she just has to deal with it. And her half baked apologies that paint her as the victim don’t count. She needs to do some serious soul searching before we can ever begin to walk back down this road.
He kept saying he understands and he doesn’t expect me to give in because he can’t excuse her actions. He noted that we are both stubborn but can’t deny she is in the wrong and has treated me like trash for years.
I told him I know that he loves her and misses her but I don’t. And I won’t maybe ever but whether or not she and I are “good” depends on her. She needs to respect my decisions and my boundaries and she needs to apologize and understand that I hold the cards. She does not get to treat me like this anymore.
And it’s irritating that she doesn’t have the balls to talk to me herself. She only ever apologizes to him for her transgressions towards me, she only asks him if she can see our daughter when she knows that any reason she can’t is because of what she’s done to me. Every interaction we have with her from now on will be on my terms but he can see her anytime he wants.
He stated that our work schedule makes that difficult and he wishes he could visit her more but he can’t. As is she only gets to see him maybe once a month and with me having to go back home for regular baby appointments it would be nice if our daughter could spend some time with her. I told him I’m not going to go out of my way to appease her.
(Especially since I stay at my mom’s when I go back home. My mom live about 30 minutes closer to us than the town our house is in, and my appointments are in a neighboring town that is also 30 minutes closer to us than our house.
So outside of seeing her or grabbing some clothes there’s no need to even go to our house. And I rectified the needing clothes situation on a previous trip and now have a stash of clothes for my daughter and myself at my mom’s).
If I had a mic at the end of our conversation about it I would have dropped it.
He said I understand and I said good and walked out of the kitchen.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s final update:
Your husband sounds like he is starting to waver his support for you. He is falling for her dramatics. Stand firm.
Yep and it’s only a matter of time until he decides that his moms wants are far more important this OPs and his mom will be seeing their daughter behind OP's back.
Deedee is right, he’s starting to waver because she’s pulling cards. My mother has breast cancer and she never brings it up as an excuse as a reason to cross boundaries. Personally I think that using illness as a way to cross boundaries is disgusting, but that’s just me.
As long as you stand firm but also do show empathy to him over missing her just remind him that you have no problems with him making time to see her, but stick firm in she needs to genuinely apologize to you about what she’s done.