'MIL says I'm 'ruining' the weird photos she tried to sneak of my new baby.' AITA? UPDATED
"MIL says I'm 'ruining' the weird photos she tried to sneak of my new baby."
Need to get some feedback on this because it's driving me crazy. My (37-F) family has been staying with my husband's (36-M) parents (59-F and 59-M) for a week, and we'll be at their home for another week before we have to head home to get the kids ready for back to school.
My mother in law and I don't necessarily get along but she's been trying to play nice since I gave birth to our 4th child, a boy, 4 months ago. However, I suppose the nice act has ended because she's been stirring the pot and pushing my buttons since we got to their house: rummaging through my clothes, whining that I should bottle feed instead of nursing so she has a chance to feed "her baby", the works.
I've been biting my tongue because my husband loves his family and this is some of the only time we get to see his siblings, but at the end of this week, MIL storms downstairs while we're eating breakfast and the kids are in the yard playing, claiming we needed to talk. I go through a mental checklist to try to figure out which one of her "household rules" I've broken, or how I've managed to piss her off this time.
She slaps her phone down on the counter and begins scrolling through photos that are all of me and the baby, photos she apparently took while I wasn't paying attention, as most of them are blurry or from strange angles (down low as though she angled her phone up while it was in her lap, one of them is taken through a crack in the door to Hubs and I's bedroom).
I ask MIL what her problem is and why she's been taking photos of me and the baby like a lunatic instead of just asking for my help with taking photos I'd approve of (I don't want my infant son's face plastered all over her social media, I cover it with emojis in my Facebook pictures).
She complains that she doesn't want to put "those stupid pictures" all over his face, and that I won't put him down long enough for her to get a photo of him by himself (he's been contact napping and I wear him for most of the day), and she can't post the photos she took because I'm "huge" and "ruining them by looking ridiculous".
For context, I'm definitely on the heavier side (5'3'' and 230lbs), and because half of these photos are from a weird low angle, I have a prominent double chin, and baby is usually pressed up against me either in my arms or his wrap, so the photos are pretty much just unflattering pictures of me, with baby's head and maybe an arm or a leg visible.
I tell her that I'm not going to entertain this behavior and since she decided to approach the supposed problem like this, she can work with what she's already got but she's definitely not getting a solo photo-op with my baby now.
Hubby is understanding and supports my decision, even getting in the way when he sees MIL trying to sneakily take more photos, or distracting her so I can leave the room, but some people think I'm blowing this out of proportion.
FIL says MIL has a right to take photos of her grandchild and it's not her fault that I'm insecure about how fat I am, Hubby's twin sister is also being dismissive because "She's always been catty about weight, why are you acting so insulted like it's the first time?".
Even MY sister, when I called and complained about this, acted like I was making mountains out of mole hills, "She was like this 60 pounds ago, why is it suddenly a big deal again?"
No one will listen to me when I insist that I don't care about her comments on my weight, I care that she's sneaking around taking photos like a stalker because she doesn't respect me enough to ask my permission to take photos of my baby.
She doesn't want to have to follow my rules about covering his face, and can't wrench him out of my arms to get pictures of him, so she's just been acting like a creep instead. I'm NURSING him in one of these photos, this is weird right? Am I crazy?
EDIT: Thank you guys for proof that I'm not crazy. I honestly didn't even think about going home early, I was fully prepared to just grit my teeth for the rest of this visit because we only took one car on the drive up here.
I'm packing my and my son's things, and when Husband gets back from fishing with his dad and his brother, I'm asking him if he can drive me and the baby back home. I'll be able to have peace of mind and have the house to myself for a few days so I can get things in order before the kids have to go back to school.
EDIT 2/ Update: Husband is back, they're home from fishing early because BIL lost his pole and they forgot to bring any spares. He and I have been texting since he left early this morning and he's taking the baby and I home, and we're planning on having a conversation about what time spent with his folks will look like going forward on the drive back.
Thank you all for the advice, giving me the gumption to leave early, and keeping me company with your comments while I packed my stuff.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NOR - I'd report her pics on social media with your baby and say that it's inappropriate child content or something. Because the pics look like they've been taken stealthily it kind of works in your favour lol. I'm sorry people aren't respectful of your wishes, but it's great that your husband is and he seems to be trying to help.
Also sidenote, you are allowed to be annoyed at somebody body shaming you and ask them to stop! I hate how older generations think they are allowed a pass for things like this, racism, sexism etc.
ginger_pretzel_mama (OP)
I didn't even think about reporting her photos, if they manage to pop up on her FB I'll definitely do that to get them taken down.
I've told her to mind her business about my body, especially in front of my children, but she's nosy and can't help but make comments, so long as they're just to me or to my husband in private I can at least let them roll off, she's been somewhat better about keeping her mouth shut while the older kids are around.
So weird. Her baby? What? Psychotic tbh. I wouldn’t be able to deal with this.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
I wasn't going to update because I got home with the baby and settled in and thought nothing of it, just communicated with my husband and my 14 year old through texts and phone calls while they were gone, but problems started to follow pretty soon after.
After my husband returned to his parents' house without the baby and I, his mother huffed and started grumbling about how dramatic I am, how possessive I am of "her baby", how I was ruining this trip for everyone. SIL began winding her up, talking about how I didn't want anyone else to build a relationship with the baby.
Husband told both of them to mind their business and get a grip, mentioning to MIL that he needed to have a serious talk with her once the kids left with BIL for lunch. MIL rolled her eyes and walked off.
They have a talk and Husband insists to MIL and FIL that they can't expect me to roll over and let them stomp all over my limits just because they want access to our baby, that we are the final say in what happens with our children and if they can't get on board with that, they can forget about seeing them, especially not unsupervised.
He told MIL that her sneaking around acting like my word meant nothing was childish and proved that she wasn't trustworthy, and he told both of them to keep their opinions about my weight to themselves.
This starts what Husband told me later was a practically 2-3 hour argument that only stopped because BIL came back with the kids and husband refused to discuss this in front of them.
MIL pulling out crocodile tears and asking why he won't defend her, insisting that I'm "trying to ruin their relationship" (Husband has never been close with his mother), and that she just wants to show off her baby to her friends and the extended family.
Husband responds that if she really wanted to take pictures of the baby, all she had to do was ask for help so he or I could cover the baby's face, MIL and FIL argue that they shouldn't have to ask permission, they're grown adults and can do as they please in their own house.
Husband reminds them that it is our baby, not theirs, and since they felt so strongly, that is why I removed myself from the situation, and if they wanted to see my baby, they could do it at our house, where they'll have to follow our rules. This went back and forth, with MIL eventually shouting and stomping her feet until BIL returned.
For the rest of the day, MIL was grumbling under her breath and practically ignoring our older children, even as my 5 year old was clamoring for her attention. Husband paid her no mind, and spent the evening playing board games with the kids and BIL while SIL and his mother sulked in the kitchen.
Fast forward to last night, husband was having a couple of beers with his brother while MIL and SIL have wine in the kitchen, FIL had gone to bed early and the kids were asleep.
Husband hears MIL and SIL giggling to each other and while casually checking his phone, he sees that MIL has posted all of the photos she took of me on her facebook page, captioning them with "[My name] won't let me see my grandson, so you'll have to excuse her hogging the frame".
In the comments of her post, she was chatting with her sisters about me: derogatory comments on my hair (as my icon and username reflects, I'm a natural redhead), shaming me for my "selfishness", and obviously comments on my body.
Husband flips, demanding that MIL take the photos down or he'd take her phone from her and do it himself, apparently there were more photos than even the ones we saw at first, and in several of them my top is fully open, nursing bra unclipped. MIL is unaware husband is serious and tries teasing him that she thought he wasn't ashamed of being married to a fat woman.
Husband rushes into the kitchen and snatches MIL's phone out of her hands after a brief scuffle, deleting the photos from MIL's facebook and then taking them off of her phone altogether, before throwing her phone down on the counter and telling her that he was leaving first thing in the morning.
MIL scowls and starts shouting that it isn't fair he's taking my side, he responds that he loves me, that it isn't my side vs hers, it's OUR side vs hers. I'm pretty out of the loop about all of this at this point. I've been cleaning the house, looking after the baby, and dealing with the cold I was apparently incubating for the first week of our visit.
So I get a call from hubs while I'm doing laundry in the basement, he's in his car trying to keep himself calm but says that he'll be home early with the kids in the morning and that he wanted to have a discussion with me about our plans moving forward. He tells me what happened, I calm him down, and we both head to bed.
Fast forward to this morning and I get up early with the baby to have breakfast and coffee waiting, Hubs arrives with 14, 10 and 5 at about 6AM, we have breakfast, and then the kids peel off to do their own thing. Our daughters leave for their friends' houses, and the 5 year old goes into the basement den to watch cartoons on the big TV.
Hubs and I talk, and he says he's done with that annual visit to his parents' place, and that he's planning to have some one-on-one time with his brother a few times a year instead. We go over a plan of action in terms of much stricter boundaries, deciding that the kids won't be going to the in-laws' house anymore, and while the in-laws visit us at our house, if they act out, they'll be kicked out.
MIL has been blowing up his phone since he left, but he's ignoring her for the time being and helping me with cleaning. He also sheepishly admitted that as disrespectful and frustrating as MIL's creepy photos were, they'd given him a new appreciation for my round face (I picked a winner, y'all, truly).
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
It's insane that she acts like youre in the wrong for any of this. Theyre acting completely crazy... How does one grow to become such an immature person...
It's really surprising that your husband turned out to be such a standup guy. Sounds like a keeper! (PS: Did he leave home early? Wish your BIL stood up to his wife. She sounds awful.)
ginger_pretzel_mama (OP)
He had good influences outside the home I suppose. He did leave home early, and SIL is his twin sister. BIL is his younger brother.
Yes, she’s the victim bc it’s oh so safe to put baby and young children pics online. If your page is private, nobody can get around that. My niece has an account for family to post pics of her kids. We live pretty far, so we don’t get to see them enough. Since we all use Apple devices, I’ve been trying to talk her into a shared album instead in the photo app. We will be setting that up soon.
A friend of hers actually stole a nicu pic of her oldest after his surgery at 2 days old. Set up a go fund me claiming it was her kid and he was dying. She got in trouble for fraud. No idea who reported her to the site 😇
People are scum. You are trying to protect your baby from that scum. Your MIL wants to parade your baby in front of the scum. And please start correcting her every time she says my baby. You mean my baby or your grandson, right?
ginger_pretzel_mama (OP)
Exactly! Even beyond creeps, there are plenty of scammers and the like who use photos of children for their own strange purposes. Plus I feel like baby photos are sacred, once a kid is about 5 or 6, you can sort of ask "Oh, Mommy's going to take a photo so all your aunts and uncles can see, you wanna take a picture?" and get an authentic response, but before then, private photos.
I'm thankful I kept my eldest's photos from birth to 4 entirely offline with how cagey and easily frustrated and embarrassed she is about the indignity of having ever been a baby (teenagers...I swear), she'd never let me live it down if I posted her baby pictures online.