MIL shares relationship saga; 'My DIL gave birth and now wants nothing to do with me.' UPDATED 2X

"My (F50) Daughter in law (24F) gave birth and doesn't seem to want a relationship with me."

My (F 50) Daughter in law (24F) gave birth and doesn't seem to want a relationship with me, making it difficult to have a relationship with my son (31M) and new granddaughter.

I'm looking for advice on how to build a relationship with my daughter in law, and get over the rift she's causing since giving birth.

My son (David, 31) has been married to my daughter in law (Bea, 24?) since September of 2020. Due to the pandemic I never really got to know her because they only dated for about a year before they got married, and I didn't know about her until they had dated for about 6 months.

I love my son very much, but I feel like our relationship has been rocky since they git married. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 10, and since they got together I haven't had the same relationship with her.

I know this is partially because he moved out of my house (very suddenly without really saying anything I may add), and I no longer get her on his weekends.

I try to get them to bring her to visit when they have her, but usually I only see her once a month or so, and lately it has felt like she has been more distant when she visits. I think this is because Bea says negative things about me around her, and I find that unfair.

They just had a baby at the end of January. She was induced due to pre eclampsia and in labor for 3 days before having a c section.

I had been in an accident a few weeks prior and don't have a vehicle, and my son refused to pick me up to be there for the labor at all or to see the baby in the hospital, but her parents got to see the baby and were in the parking lot the entire time.

I called him while she was in labor a few times, but on the second day after her water broke I called him and heard her snap at him to get off the phone and he refused to accept any calls after that.

I just wanted to know thst the three of them were okay though! She was in the hospital 2 days after the c section, and they wouldn't stop to visit me on their way home after the birth because she was hurting, even though she had pain killers she could have taken and she "didn't feel right" according to my son.

This is when I became concerned she had PPD. My daughter ended up picking up her prescriptions and some groceries for them and got to see the baby that night (her and Bea have a relationship that is apparently pretty good).

I was supposed to visit a couple days after they got home, but she ended up insisting something was wrong and went back to the doctor who apparently sent her to the hospital.

My son told me they diagnosed her with post partum preeclampsia, but I was pretty certain that that was only something that happened during pregnancy and went away after birth so I was pretty sure he was confused.

The day after they admitted her again, 5 days after the baby being born with everyone meeting her but me, was my birthday. I called her around 8 that morning to see what was really going on but she didn't answer.

A while later my son called me and wished me a happy birthday and asked why I had called Bea. I admit I snapped at him and said SHE should be returning my call, because I called HER. I hung up on him and maybe 5 minutes later she called me.

I told her she should have called me and that I wanted to hear her voice and hear from her what was going on since my son gets confused. I then asked her if this was a mental or physical issue, and she went silent before saying physical.

I asked of she was sure, and she got kind of snippy and said they had padding on her bed because she was a seizure risk and she couldn't be alone with her newborn, so she was pretty sure. I didn't comment on her tone because I was sure she was stressed.

She was released her the next day, and they came and visited me while I was at my daughters watching her two kids on their way home so I could see the baby.

I offered her some pillows to sit on (my son said she "basically gave birth both ways", even though I knew this wasn't true I wondered if she had some soreness that made him think this), and she refused my hospitality saying she was fine and felt pretty good.

Two weeks later my son picked me up and brought me to their home to visit. I stayed for a few hours, and she didn't really make any effort to talk to me. She was just quiet and sat on the couch. When my son took me home I asked why she was so unhospitable, and he said I had been rude while she was in the hospital.

That she shouldn't have had to call me, and that I shouldn't have asked if it was a mental or physical problem because he had already told me it was physical.

He also said I shouldn't have posted anything on Facebook before her about the baby being born, and that I was rude when he called to make me take it down. She doesn't post on social media very often so I didn't think it would be a big deal.

He hasn't picked me up to see the baby because he says he needs to be there to help with the baby, and they won't bring the baby to me because he says the baby isn't allowed in my house.

I told my son I'm planning to quit my job to babysit for them, but I haven't even gotten her return to work date and she hasn't once thanked me for doing it. Overall I feel like she's holding onto some very petty things and is using them to keep me from my son and granddaughters.

I want a relationship with her, but I am missing some critical bonding time with the baby and I am going to struggle to forgive her for it. Especially over petty nonsense she won't even bring up to talk to me.

I'm really wanting to send a text and lay all my feelings out for her and just hash it out, but I understand there are probably cultural differences at play with all of this too, so I could use some advice on what to say.

Before we give you OP's update, let's see what readers had to say:

foatiq writes:

Lady, if you don't get it together, you're not going to be part of their lives at all. You're not owed nearly any of what you seem to think you are. When it comes to their baby, they don't owe you crap.

Your son had two priorities when his wife was in labor. His wife and their baby. Not you. He didn't have time to come pick you up or talk to you on the phone. Have you ever heard of a taxi cab?

She shouldn't have to take a pain pill just so they can stop by and see you on their way home. How incredibly selfish of you. They did the right thing and went straight home.

Are you seriously questioning a doctor's diagnosis? Do you really think it's appropriate to ask her if it's physical or mental? Are you mental?

You're lucky anyone called you back at all. They are tired and are learning how to care for their newborn and that is after your DIL had a complicated labor and delivery and complications after birth. No one has the emotional bandwidth to deal with your entitlement.

You inconvenienced your son and had him pick you up and drive you home. Again, taxi, Uber, Lyft were better options. Then you're complaining his wife, who is exhausted and still healing was inhospitable. I'm guessing she was saying plenty to you in her head but was to polite to actually verbalize it.

Do they even want you babysitting their baby? Did they actually ask this of you or did you just decree that this is what is happening?

You do not post baby news on Facebook without the parents permission. You were rude and overstepping.

If you want to send them a text, send them a sincere apology for being a pushy, entitled, pain in the ass and promise you'll behave better in the future.

vasefth writes:

Do you want a relationship with them? If so, wait until they ask for your help. If you don't, keep demanding that the brand-new parents give you what you are owed.

Relationships are a two-way street. Sometimes one car gets to go, and one car has to sit at a red light and wait its turn. Sometimes cars drive fast, sometimes they drive really slow.

One car may be speeding down the highway on their way to an emergency, and so your car yields to them, or even pulls over and idles for a minute. Sometimes one car has a flat tire, and the other car pulls over to help, even though they've got ice cream in the trunk.

"Two way street" doesn't mean "we always drive side-by-side, at the exact same speed, and to the exact same places." That's actually a one-way street.

Also, if relationships are a two-way street, are you saying your son and his family are being selfish by not giving you your due during their emergency c-section and rush back to the hospital?

That this is somehow an example of them always taking from the MIL and never giving to the MIL? They've failed to consider the MIL as they try to keep the baby and wife alive?

If what you want is a relationship, you've been given great advice in this thread. If what you want is to be the star of the show no matter what, and to be included in all things, I would advise you to get a puppy.

greath writes:

I want to avoid you and I've never met you. You expected them to visit immediately post partum, harassed your son during her difficult labor and took offense when her needs came first.

The kicker was you suggested that her need to return to the hospital was a mental issue AND CALLED HER SPECIFICALLY TO SUGGEST IT, when nowhere in your post do you mention giving a crap about her feelings at any other point.

Then you suggest you're going to become unemployed, and likely their responsibility, to be in their space what sounds like full time to "help", without any indication you even asked to see if they wanted or needed that. What the actual f, no wonder they don't want to visit or speak to you.

They are on the verge of no contract I am almost certain, and you're earning it. What a bunch of self centered, condescending, clingy minimization. Somehow, you've managed to make this birth all about you.

OP responds with an update:

I find these comments very hurtful. I'm a grandparent and do deserve to be in my grandchildrens life. I also deserve not to have my eldest granddaughter turned against me. Saying they owe me nothing is incorrect, and courts would agree with that. I love them both so I don't want it to come to that, but I am OWED that.

If he would have came the first night before she was in real labor he wouldn't have needed to talk to me. We don't have taxi cabs, and the uber would have been well put of my budget.

She refused to take any of the painkillers once discharged, period. That was selfish of her. And I had food for them too, so my son wouldn't have had to cook. It wasn't just for me to see the baby.

No, I was question if my son had the right information. He's relayed wrong things before.

I understand that from her perspective after reading some of the comments. However in my family it's just common to call back regardless especially after having a baby. I see it's a cultural difference.

I can't uber to where they live otherwise I would be there every day! If that was an option I woukd have definitely jumped on it instead of having him pick me up, but uber isn't I their tiny town.

I told my son after I heard Bea telling my daughter about her struggle to find reputable daycare without a year long wait and how she was scared for the safety of her baby. They won't have to worry if I watch her!

My son just said not to post pictures. I didn't realize announcing I was a grandma again woukd be a big deal. I deleted it.

I told my son I was sorry for hurting her feelings when he told me. I've always apologized to him when he's told me I've done something wrong in her eyes, whether I think it was wrong or not.

I don't want to hurt her feelings ever. I want her to know she doesn't have to run to my son though, she can come to me. And I want a chance to explain myself to her.

Update 2:

Well, I apologized to my daughter in law for all the things my son listed. Since I had received feedback about it being my son's job to "handle" his family I told him my apologies to pass along, and then I waited. However, I got no response from Bea. No thank you, no trying to bury the hatchet, nothing.

So, last Friday I made an appointment with an attorney to discuss grandparents rights and had that appointment on Tuesday. The lawyer told me I had a good chance with my older granddaughter, but would likely get no where with the baby.

I filled out some paperwork to get the process started, but Tuesday night I was questioning if I was doing the right thing. I called one of my friends to discuss, and was seriously considering not moving forward with it after talking to her.

Then yesterday I received this message from Bea: "[Me] this is [Bea] I just wanted to let you know that [friend] told us you're intending to go for grandparent rights, and also shared everything you've had to say about me.

Let me first say that I have not once kept the either of the girls from you, and I certainly have not kept [son] from you. He is a grown man, and if he wanted to talk to you he was free to. You have not asked to come over and visit since [son] picked you up - you cannot expect us to 1- read your mind or 2 - drop everything and come pick you up.

We have a new baby, and we have our own lives. I also have not said a word to you about what happened during delivery/postpartum, because I have no energy to argue with you. [Son] said you apologized, and I told him I appreciated it (even though it was NOT a real apology.

You apologize for what you did to hurt my feelings, not that my feelings were hurt). I don't have time for your drama. For the record, though, what you said was absolutely disgusting.

I almost died - it had nothing to do with my mental health. Since you have decided to go for grandparents rights, we will have no direct contact with you. All contact will need to go through our lawyer. You have been removed from my Facebook.

You are not permitted to post any pictures you have been sent of my child on social media, and [older granddaughters mom] feels the same way regarding [older granddaughter].

We intend to have something written up and sent to you by the end of the week regarding this, and ceasing contact with us. I assume we will be servered with your visitation paperwork this week as well. You will get no pictures or phone calls going forward. In fact, you will be blocked.

I also hope you realize you will absolutely lose this case. Your house is not suitable to live in, and you would have to be able to pass a drug test. When you lose, we will not resume contact with you. You lost your chance at being apart of our kids lives by deciding to go to the most nuclear option instead of just communicating with us."

I tried to respond to her and tell her that I didn't want to go through with it anymore and I reacted pit of anger, but she wouldn't answer texts or calls - so I assume I really am blocked. I called my son to tell him about the text she sent, and he said he knew about it and it was a lot nicer then what he wanted to send me.

So, that's where I'm at at this point. I'm going to show my lawyer the text so that it can show how unwilling to forgive and to work with me she is, and hopefully it will resolve quickly so I can at least get visitation rights with my oldest granddaughter.

Readers continued to weigh in on this update:

ramghut writes:

Having read through all your posts the number one thing that comes to mind is this. You really don't get what you have done that has put you in this position, and I sincerely doubt you ever will.

Instead of going the route of actually being truly remorseful for your horrible actions, you are still making this all about you and not them, even to the extent of wasting lots of everyones time and money by pursuing this frivolous "grandparents rights" crap. Your lawyers must be laughing all the way to the bank.

What is going to happen now though is that your son and DiL are now going to have to spend completely unnecessary funds fighting this frivolity which in turn is just going to completely harden them to you for all eternity.

There is saying that goes along the lines of "when you find yourself in a hole of your own making, it's a good idea to stop digging any further." OP, you have not so much not heeded this but rather have gone out and hired a backhoe to help you dig an even bigger and deeper hole. Enjoy your loneliness. You deserve it.

Edit to add: I dont appreciate the nasty messages I have received or the barrage of nasty comments. I admit I made a mistake, but now this is my only option. It's clear that most of the responses from reddit are from those of young people not from my generation, as I have gotten different responses in other online support groups from people my own age who are also grandparents, many from my own culture.

falpot writes:

You won't get visitation. You seem mentally unwell and unfit to care for a child. The lawyer you hired is just getting quick, easy money from you knowing your case will fail.

You can't expect your son or DIL to forgive you when you don't feel any remorse for what you've done. To feel remorse, you need to understand what you did that was bad, why it was bad, and why it might hurt other people.

But you seem to be incapable of feeling empathy and only see the world through a lens of how it directly affects you and not how you affect others around you.

Sucks to be you. It sounds like you're doing a good job of alienating your friends and family. I'd recommend seeing a psychiatrist to see if you might not need therapy or medication.

I don't mean that in a bad way because I've done both and having my mental illnesses treated really helped me see things more clearly. You need some sort of come to Jesus moment before you end up all alone.