'AITA for not wanting to go on a family vacation after my MIL wanted all the kids to wear the same thing?'
"AITA for not wanting to go on a family vacation after my MIL wanted all the kids to wear the same thing?"
Let me start by explaining: my husband Adam (35M) is not the biological father of my children Monika (9F) and Daniel (12M). My first husband, their biological father, Sebastian (40M), left us for another woman, after Monika was born. Adam's family gets together every year for a vacation.
My MIL, Donna (59F), is a photographer. Over the years, she's focused primarily on weddings, but this year she decided she wanted to do a private session for the whole family during the holidays. Nothing wrong with that, right?
But she bought clothes for all children. They're all the same. Girls have bright pink dresses, and they're expected to have braids and the same hair accessories or even handbags. Boys are expected to wear bright blue pants, white T-shirts, and blue jackets.
How long should they wear it? For a whole week, every day, because "the session is supposed to be spontaneous." and my MIL "doesn't want to limit herself to one day when there are so many attractions ahead of us."
What's the problem besides that? My daughter hates dresses, while my son tried his outfit and decided it was uncomfortable and that he didn't want to wear it for that long.
I tried talking to my MIL about it and even suggested that maybe my kids wouldn't be in the photos/would only be in some of them. She really didn't like that. Four conversations later, Donna decided that if my kids didn't show up in those outfits, they might as well not go on vacation.
Well, okay. I talked to my children again and we decided that we would spend our vacation somewhere else. Later, I spoke with my husband's sister, Sara (29). Initially, the topic was different, but at one point she asked about something vacation-related: if we'd go somewhere together once we were in Italy. I told her unfortunately no, we can't, because I wasn't going.
She was very surprised, but it wasn't a big deal at the time. The thing is, the next day, when I woke up, I had a ton of messages from some of Adam's family members and his mother. Mostly from his mother.
All the messages were angry, there were a lot of threats and guilty trap attempts. Adam has been on my side up until now and wanted to stay with me and the kids, but after all this he suddenly changed sides and now he's pissed at me.
He said I was an AH and that it was "unfair that I'm ruining a family event because my kids can't be uncomfortable for a while", and started complaining that other kids in the family somehow don't have a problem with it, etc., etc. We had a big fight about it and now he's staying at his parents' house.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Your MIL took family photo to a whole new level of controlling. Expecting kids to wear the same outfits all week just for random pics? That’s not fun, that’s exhausting. And your husband switching sides after pressure from his mom is super disappointing. You stood up for your kids' comfort and that matters. NTA at all.
NTA. Your mil sounds like a bully. She gave you a choice, wear the clothes or not go, you chose not to go. Your husband is obviously so accustomed to his mom's bs that he can't stand up to her. I'm guessing people don't usually say no to her?
Sorry - no professional photographer I know would make a shoot take a week…especially with kids. MIL is nuts to even try it…If she can’t get some good photos in a few hours, hate to break it to you - she ain’t that good…nobody, including your husband, is thinking about this with any amount of sanity.
CommercialHunter7158 (OP)
That doesn't surprise me at all. She's the type of person who one day buys a camera and becomes a photographer. She used to work at a library before.
NTA however your husband is a cowardly easily bullied one, his whole family are and your MIL a Legendary one. A photo shoot for a day, but sound of music vibes for a week. Nope. Alternatively go and something accidentally damages the clothing.
Let Adam wallow like a twat to his mum's house, I was originally going to say he wasn't the AH, but once I read the part "he's changed sides and all of a sudden he's pissed at me", that makes me think he became a huge mama's boy AH. NTA.
Staging outfits for a week is beyond staging photos for a mom's and there's nothing spontaneous about that. To do so unilaterally with consulting on style and practicality is unhinged. I would refuse to engage with the drama and be grateful the narcissism revealed itself before you were committed. Grey rock and change the subject with your husband.
"I'm sorry your mother has lost her faculties, it must be hard for you all. Have you seen the cricket score?"
"You can wear a pink dress for a week if you would like to my love. It's entirely up to you what you wear same as for the rest of the family. Have you seen my grey hoodie?"
"I will always prioritise my children's bodily autonomy over someone else's aesthetic whims, theres nothing to discuss about that. Daughter won a saxophone performance this mornkng so she is through to the final, isn't that amazing! We should do dinner at her favourite restaurant after the final concert on Friday, can you make it?"
Children aren't dolls for Adults to dress up. You tell Adam his Mother is ruining the family photo being being a huge pain in the ass and making demands she isn't entitled to make. Disrespectful and attempting emotional manipulation. I'd expect better from your Husband. NTA.