First-time pregnancies can be scary for new parents. When do you go to the doctor, what is okay to eat, and what music should you listen to? These are all questions new parents will ask themselves. Some people rely on their parents to be their guiding light through their first pregnancy.
We live in the US. I (F) have two kids, Kylie (f28) and Chris (m25), and both of them are married. My daughter has two kids (m5 and m2). I had helped her through both of her pregnancies, as that was something she wanted. I stayed at her and her husband's house for about a month for both pregnancies.
My son married a foreign girl Camila (f24); she's from Latin America. They announced a couple of months ago that they're expecting their first baby. Camila has no family here, so we're her only family in the country.
I told her to count on me for whatever she needed with the pregnancy since I knew that first pregnancies could be scary if you were alone. She thanked me and sometimes called me to know if something was expected, or she told me that she felt 'X' and asked if she should go to the doctor.
She's now close to 30 weeks now. We celebrated her baby shower last weekend with friends and family. The baby shower was held in my house; after everyone left my son, she and my daughter's family stayed to have dinner together.
I asked Camila if her mom would come to visit and help her through the delivery and postpartum weeks, to which she said she wasn't going to since her mom works. It's not something that people used to do in Uruguay (her native country) because couples tend to want some alone time after the baby's born there.
I told her that it sounded sad to be all alone. I told her that it is relatively common for grandmas to go and help around when a baby is born, that I did it for my daughter like my mom did for me, etc. I told her I could help her if she wanted and stay at her house for two weeks before the birth so she could rest.
She told me it's not necessary since my son will have paternity leave so that he can do all of that stuff. I can cook, do laundry, and clean, so she doesn't have to. And then I can stay over after the baby is here to continue helping with the house and the baby.
I told her there is some stuff that he will not be able to do either (like helping with postpartum) and that they're both first-time parents, so both have a lot to learn, and it's helpful to have someone who already did it around. My son agreed; he said that's true and that he won't be able to provide the same help and support that another mother can.
They left after dinner. My daughter stayed a bit over because she wanted to talk to me. She said I was overstepping because Camila was uncomfortable with me staying over, which would stress her. We continued talking more about that until she said it was ok for me to help.
She said I'm not respecting her wishes of having alone time after the birth like she's used to. She also said I pressured her into telling me what I wanted to hear. Is she right about all of this? I want to help them out.
The internet is clear.
YTA (You're the A**hole).
You: This is how we do it.
Her: This is how we do it.
You: Your way is sad and wrong. My way better.
Her: We will still do it our way.
You: Your way won't work. It won't, I say. My way is superior.
Son: Sure, Mom, your way has benefits.
You: See??? My way!! MY WAY!!!
Her: Fine. Sure.
Daughter: Voice of Reason. She is 100% right. Even if you wanted to help, you were rude, insulting, and badgering.
What is your son to do here? Turn you down? Turn down the help? Argue against the notion that you have a special experience. Try to LISTEN to your DIL moving forward.
YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA!!!!!!!!!! THE. MOTHER'S. BIRTHING. EXPERIENCE. IS. NOT. ABOUT. WHAT. YOU. WANT.
And it's not 'common' in the US to have somebody invade your home for a month post-partum. That is the stuff my NIGHTMARES were made of when I gave birth. I had to fight off my mother AND his from invading my birthing room and my house.
If your daughter had ENJOYED the experience of having you underfoot after she gave birth, she probably would have told her SIL, 'Yeah it can be helpful,'... but she was the one saying NO. Tells me you browbeat your daughter into making her birthing experiences about YOU and what you wanted.
Call your DIL and tell her you understand she would prefer her privacy, and you will be waiting for her to call and tell you when SHE is ready. Also, your son is a grown-a** man, and he CAN help his wife with whatever she needs, and she would probably be more COMFORTABLE with her husband helping her with certain things than her MIL.
Stop over-stepping and stay in your damn lane before your DIL is on here asking if she's TA for keeping her overbearing nightmare of a MIL away from herself and her kids.
You sound pushy AND vaguely xenophobic.
OP, don't describe someone as 'foreign' literally try anything else.