Pregnant woman called 'idiot' by family for avoiding secondhand smoke. AITA? + UPDATE
"Missed FMIL mother's day dinner; I made her cry."
I'm pregnant, currently in my 2nd trimester, FTM, high risk pregnancy. Me (39F) and my partner (37m) aren't married yet, been together for almost 2 years. There was a last minute plan to have dinner at his grandparents house.
His grandparent's are smokers. They smoke in the bathroom and also outside in the patio. Not anywhere else in the house but the third hand smoke is still so evident in the livingroom where we mostly are when we're hanging out there.
I chose to not go. We talked about it. He did mention that his mom and grandma would be sad that I won't be there, but he was understanding of my decision. And we were fine when he left.
When he came home, he looked unhappy. He was being quiet. He didn't look like he was in a good mood. We got into a conversation. He said I hurt his mom and grandma's feelings. I said I was sorry and that I didn't mean to make them feel that way, I was just prioritizing my health and my babies (twins).
Still, he went on about my not being there shows that I didn't want to be a part of the family. He went about how his family has only shown love and care to me. (Not understanding of my decision to not come is not very loving IMO). And every time I reminded him about my reasoning for not coming, he got even more upset and angry at me.
I feel so invalidated. I have apologized for hurting their feelings, it wasn't my intention. But he still keeps bringing up how I am to blame for all this mess. He's called me an idiot. Thrown a pillow at me during the argument. He's yelling at me. He was just so angry that I hurt his family's feelings.
He said I made his mom cry. I honestly do feel bad. But I also feel like my feelings were not validated by them, at all. They are just focusing on their own hurt, forgetting the fact that I am pregnant and only stayed home because I didn't want to expose myself or the babies with third hand smoke.
I tried my best throughout all his yelling at me, to stay calm and not stress myself and babies. It's so hard. I slept on the couch on mother's day. I've already apologized to him and to them (through text). I recognize that my action to not go (a boundary-based decision to protect my and babies health) hurt them a lot.
I don't know what else to do at this point. Gosh I feel like an actual idiot typing all these bec I do know that I wasn't wrong for my decision to not go. And yet I feel like I did mess up. Did he get in my head, is this manipulation? I do recognize his verbal and emotional abuse. And I know I don't deserve this, and it sucks that this is my first experience of pregnancy.
EDIT: I'm so overwhelmed by the support from all the comments. I truly am blinded by love and my hopes and dreams for a safe and loving partnership in building a family. Thank you for all your eye opening comments and advice which I'm really putting to heart.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Sounds like emotional manipulation. Your health and babies' well-being are priority. His anger and blame-shifting aren't acceptable. Reevaluate the relationship; you deserve better.
Ask him why his families emotional state is more important than the health of two innocent babies, and why when he felt frustrated he chose violence instead of adult conversation. I’m honestly quite worried for you and those babies.
I just want to let you know if you have any family in other states this may be your last chance to escape before custody battles occur in your current state (if you are in the US). It's not too late for a fresh start for your family, cause your partner has shown his hand.... and its horrible.
Run babes, don't give it multiple chances, if he wanted to chance his family's treatment of you, he could have, instead he doubled down that you should have exposed yourself to smoke to keep the peace.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
Grateful for all the wonderful advice from this community on my last post. I chose to do couples therapy for us because I'm still hopeful. During therapy, he shared his side, and I shared my side. I told the therapist about his yelling, calling me idiot, and throwing things at me.
When he tries to keep going back to how I made his mom feel and how that made him feel, it made me feel like I'm to blame for how he's treating me. But also to blame for his mom crying. So basically I'm to blame for everything. I had the natural urge to explain myself and try to make myself feel heard in that I felt invalidated to begin with. I just want to be heard for once.
But after all that, our therapist said that I was being defensive. I thought by going to therapy, we would both be heard, but instead, I felt ganged up on once again. I guess this is more of a rant and an update on my last post, but if anyone has advice, it's welcome. Thank you!
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
He threw stuff at you, and the therapist said you are defensive? You kind of have to be at that point, right? Both your therapist and your husband are out of line here. I am so sorry.
I think when someone is attacking you you have the right to defend yourself. Also, the bait and switch is very unfair. If we agree to something and YOU regret it. That's something you deal with internally IMO. You can always bring it back up later but bump this turd.
He yelled, belittled you, and called you an idiot! You are pregnant and he is throwing things at you? You are NOT overreacting, you are underreacting! Yelling isn’t great but the other two bits are abuse! Do NOT be hopeful for this relationship and please, please find another therapist! That one should have their license revoked!!!