Mistress MOVES IN with affair partner's ex-wife and kids after messy divorce. AITA? MAJOR UPDATE.
When this woman is shocked at what her adulterous BF's ex wife and kids do after the divorce, she asks Reddit:
"I had an affair with a married man and met his wife and was really disturbed by the situation. AITA?"
I didn't know he was cheating; he told me he was in his late 30s, never married, and there were no pictures of his family on his social media so I trusted him.
I was 18; I know him being interested in someone so much younger should have been a red-flag, but I'd only recently got away from a pretty abusive home and having someone treat me like an adult made me feel special.
But then I got pregnant; we weren't planning on it, but I was happy; I feel so stupid now but I really thought we could build a life together.
He tried to pressure me into aborting, and when I said no (I've no judgement for anyone who would terminate in my situation, but I couldn't imagine doing it, and it's not an easy thing to get access to where I live) he just ghosted me entirely.
I ended up finding his real Facebook account; everything he told me except his first name was a lie. He's 45, and was married with two kids, the oldest being only three years younger than me.
I ended up messaging his wife (I'll call her "Mary" for this); she asked me a few questions, thanked me, and promised she didn't blame me, and I thought that was that. When my son was born, I gave him my last name and told the hospital staff I didn't know who the father was because I was embarrassed about what I'd done.
Six months later, Mary reached out to me. She told me the divorce was ongoing, she'd separated from her husband (he basically ditched their family entirely as soon as he was found out, which makes sense in hindsight), and wanted to know if I'd be okay meeting up to talk about things.
I agreed and TBH basically had a breakdown in Starbucks while talking to her; I'd dropped out of college, my applications for gov't assistance were taking too long, my own parents wanted nothing to do with me, and I was at risk of losing my apartment.
I felt like a failure and was considering giving my son up for adoption because I didn't think I'd be able to care for him. I still feel awful about her having to comfort me, but she did; she outright hugged me despite everything. And a week later, she reached out again saying she'd talked to her kids and that if I wanted, I could come and stay with their family.
I've been living with them for almost a year now; my room used to be Mary's husband's games room, apparently, but now it's me and my son's. It was very awkward at first, especially with the kids, but they never hated me for what I did and after some adjusting we've been getting on well.
We hang out sometimes at home and stuff, we've had a couple of sessions of all airing out our grievances about their dad, and they've both come to me for advice; the youngest invited me to her drama club's Christmas play and I don't think I've ever been so honoured.
They call my son their nephew, instead of their half-brother, which I guess makes us maybe sisters but I don't want to push that if they're not comfy so I'm not putting a label on it.
And Mary's just been an absolute angel. I've tried to get her to accept rent, more than once, but she insists that as long as I'm saving some money I don't owe her anything; she's helped with childcare, she buys food for us with everyone else, and she's promised that she'll fund a lawyer if I ever feel ready to go after her ex for child support.
She called me "my eldest" when talking to a friend recently and y'all I had to go and cry for a while. She really does treat me and my son like family and I think she's going to be his grandma. My son's going to grow up with the loving household I didn't have because this woman looked at me, the person her husband cheated with, and chose to open her heart.
I still don't really feel like I deserve it. I haven't told them that, because I don't want to be ungrateful for what this family's done for me, but I still struggle to imagine doing the same in her position.
I don't understand how she can look at me without feeling hurt about what happened, let alone basically call me her kid, but I don't want any of it to change. I don't know if there's a point at the end of all this, I just wanted to get it all out because it's coming up to the anniversary of me moving in and I've been having a lot of feelings. So if you did read all of this, thank you, genuinely.
Before we provide OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
jadegrapes writes:
Look at it this way, you were both swindled by the same scumbag. You have a lot in common.
And frankly, after a divorce... she probably needs a roomate to help with household logistics... but doesn't trust a new man yet.
You also can be a weapon to help hurt her ex by getting more child support. He's currently getting away with being a deadbeat. She can "use" you to stick it to him. (Even tho he OWES the child the money, not you).
She also probably does think of your baby as a rightful sibling to hers, and hopes they will have a lifelong supportive relationship to each other. More family is more strength. In short, it's not just about you as an individual.
baugastin7 writes:
"Mary" is one of the most graceful divorcee's I've ever heard about. Clearly someone who has a lot of empathy and knows where to correctly place her anger over the situation.
You were maniuplated and used by a manipulator and user. You were a kid tossed to the curb and abandoned while struggling and vulnerable. You are not some monster who tried to break up Mary's family.
Her husband showed his true colors immediately and it probably helps that OP was the one to tell her in the first place when they found out. This is the best possible outcome for a shitty situation that neither of you asked to be in.
I hope you both find peace and closure, and that you cherish the help that was extended to you in a time of need.
One day in the future you may be in a position to help someone else and remember the example Mary has set for you, your child, and her own children about how to be a good person in a messed up world.
silous8 writes:
i think mary is attempting to pay for the sins of the x, or she feels somewhat responsible for the x cheating, and messing up your life. shes got some guilt she is is also working through
she understands tat you didn't harm her family intentionally, that you are as much a victem as her.
you need to thank her in actions - not words - you need to go after child support. she should 'charge' you rent on paper - bump up your 'needs' ( not actually charge you rent, or does charge you and it somehow ends back in your hands ) .
you also need to pick up your life, get back on track; go back to school ( trade school or actual degree for job ) , and while on track mention you would not be able to be on track without her help.
I can not see any alterative motives for her to help you, shes just being a great person. Great people don't really need thank you as words - they want to see growth and movement.
rnn1020 writes:
Mary saw the truth: you were just a kid in an awful situation, caused by her ex-husband, who desperately needed help. And she stepped in. I applaud her (and her kids) for doing that and you too, for accepting. Because it couldn't have been easy for you.
Although at first glance you are on the receiving end of this deal, you too had to adjust and make yourself very vulnerable in this situation. I think you've done it for your child and that's so brave.
This is truly a story of kindness and it's things like this that still make me believe that most people are genuinely good at heart. PS I'm not crying, you're crying.
Later, OP provides this update about her ex-bf:
I have heard nothing from him; I assume he knows, but he hasn't tried to bother me about it.
Him and Mary talk exclusively through lawyers and he didn't want any visitation towards the kids (I don't know what the formal agreement is there, I've never asked, only listened to what the kids wanted to share with me; I don't feel it's my place to press there), so he hasn't been near the house while I've been living here.