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MOH asks bride to give each bridesmaid the total expected costs, 'she said it's normal to pay a lot.' AITA?

MOH asks bride to give each bridesmaid the total expected costs, 'she said it's normal to pay a lot.' AITA?

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"AITA for asking the bride to give total cost expected from each bridesmaid?"

I am the MOH for a friend getting married - she is pretty young (24) and so are the bridesmaids. Most of us are in the broke post-grad mindset except for one of the bridesmaids who is about ten years older and another who is still a student.

When asking us to be in the wedding party, the bride made it clear she expected bridesmaids to pay for our dresses, alterations, and to be present for the rehearsal and wedding. She offered to either pay for makeup OR hair for me (MOH) but said the bridesmaids can pay extra to have those done the day of the event.

For the bachelorette, she was clear about what she wanted, which was a beach house in RI. We are splitting the costs for the rental ($300 each) and I made a budget of ~$200- $250 for groceries split among 5 for the two days. This does not include going out to a bar or dinner during that trip, which I estimate would be an additional $50-$75 per person.

While expensive, I really do want this weekend to be lots of fun and think that we can keep it on the cheaper side if we’re smart about groceries etc. There was no budget going in so I have been figuring out how to do a more cost efficient but fun event. The costs are definitely adding up.

However, with the bridal shower, there is again, no budget. I am hosting and the bride sent over a list of ~30 people who will be attending. I have no idea what the budget is for this event and am having difficulty laying out the run of events + food + decorations + party gifts (is this a thing for bridal shower) for everyone.

The other bridesmaids have expressed concern about surmounting costs and I do agree, things are adding up from the initial expectations of paying for the dress and alterations.

I spoke with the bride about this and she said that she thought we would just come up with the most cost effective way to manage these events. I countered and said it would be easiest for the bridesmaids to understand the total costs they’re expected to incur for the wedding, including dress, alterations, bridal shower, bachelorette, and any incidentals.

I argued (politely) that we need to have an idea of what’s expected of us, and it’s not on us to create/manage the budget for her wedding. We’re happy to contribute and all want this to be fun and successful. She has said that it’s normal for bridesmaids to pay a lot for weddings, but I reminded her that we’re all on the younger side and that’s something to be mindful of.

I have been trying to mitigate any tension between the bridesmaids + the bride to keep the stress off of her, and handle the conversations with the bridesmaids. I asked for a clear spreadsheet of our expected expenses so I can speak with the bridesmaids and make a plan. The wedding is 5 months away.

AITA for arguing with the bride about this? Is it normal for bridesmaids to not know what’s expected of them? I don’t know much about weddings or being MOH and want her to have an amazing wedding without breaking the bank for the other ladies.

EDIT:

I spoke with the bride and she gave me a cost estimate for each bridesmaid - it’s $1,000 each. This is much higher than the initial $100 on a dress + alterations. I asked about us stepping back from the bridal shower and she admitted her mother (which is a whole other issue) said because she’s paying for the wedding ($25-30k) itself, that the bridesmaids have to do the bridal shower.

So there seems to be a lot of complications here. I (kind of stupidly) offered to host the bridal shower because of the number of people who the bride wants to attend and my home has the capacity - but it’s mainly women invited by the mother and mother in law. Damn. I didn’t realize this would loop me in financially.

I am meeting with the bridesmaids next week to determine THEIR comfort level with the budget. I am going to bring some suggestions based on what they’ve paid so fair and bring that back to the bride. I think the bridesmaids can help at the bridal shower, but we are keeping it as simple as possible.

I won’t expect anything of the bridesmaids beyond what they’ve agreed with the bachelorette. Thank you all for the advice on this. I’m never saying yes to MOH again.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Ok-Knowledge9154 said:

NTA. Bridesmaid should not be covering any costs associated with the bridal shower period. The Bride and her family should be covering these costs and the grooms family should be covering all rehearsal dinner expenses except for the clothes on your back.

There are no gift bags for guests. Bridal showers used to be hosted at someone's house, family would contribute food and the decorations were bought at Dollerama! Bridesmaids would organize games and activities. People need to stop expecting their friends to fund their unnecessary parties.

Worth-Season3645 said:

NTA…I think all of the bridesmaids should sit down together and discuss what you all can and want to do as a group. Discuss wedding day events, hair and make up. Maybe you can all find someone cheaper than who the bride is using.

Bridal shower….Balloons are an easy and cheap decoration. Maybe disposable table cloths, plates and napkins. But those decorations are almost never used again. Do not blow a lot of money on those.

Food, does not need to be fancy or top notch. You can have sub sandwiches, chili, salad and cornbread, BBQ, fruit and vegetable trays, cupcakes for dessert. If bride wants top notch catering, she can pay for it. Bachelorette…Again, do what you can and can afford. If the bride wants more, she can pay for it.

Then you all take it to the bride and say, this is what we can and are willing to do and provide for. If there is more you want, that will have to come from you. If bride does not understand or balks, then suggest it might be best if you step down as a bridesmaid, the rest can decide what they want to do or decide together as a group. No one should go broke for someone else’s wedding.

Any_Dragonfruit4130 said:

NTA. Tell her the budget or the highway. Stand up to her. I don’t care she is the bride. She is rude and entitled if she can’t give it to you. Some people have a thing called a budget.

JustALizzyLife said:

NTA. Bridal parties are getting out of hand and it's pure ego and greed. "Traditionally" bridesmaids pay for their dresses and shoes. "Traditionally" a bachlorette party was a night at a bar and/or maybe a strip club where usually you'd cover the bride's drinks.

These days it seems like bridesmaids are expected to pay for not only their dress and shoes, but specific jewelry, hair, professional make up artists and bachlorettes are now week long destination trips with personal, professional chefs, spas, clubbing, specific outfits for every single event, plus all of the bride's costs.

Then they're now also expected to throw and pay for a bridal shower too? (Traditionally hosted by a family member. ) It's ridiculous. No one should ever go into debt for someone else's big day. It's a wedding, they are a very common, usual thing.

Yes, it's a "big day" for the bride and groom, and as a friend, it's reasonable to want them to have a great time and make lasting memories. It's not reasonable to expect other people to foot the bill.

Thecatisright said:

NTA. Is it NOT normal to pay a lot for someone else's wedding. It's your wedding, your bill. People have been brainwashed by the wedding industry. As in life, get.the things you can afford, not the things you want. True friends will celebrate with you and make it a memorable bachelorette party in a park with drinks and snacks from the local supermarket.

SweettSofia said:

NTA. You’re just trying to get a clear picture of the costs so everyone can plan accordingly. It’s not unreasonable to want a budget, especially with so many expenses involved. You’re being considerate of everyone’s financial situations, and it’s helpful to have transparency to avoid surprises. It’s the bride’s responsibility to communicate what she expects so the bridesmaids aren’t caught off guard.

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