MOH expects bride to understand she doesn't want to give a speech, 'I shake like a leaf.' AITA?
"AITA for expecting my friend (the bride) to be understanding of me not wanting to do a MOH speech?"
Some background: I have severe anxiety and have never been able to give speeches, presentations etc without struggling. No matter how much I practice and plan, I will immediately feel like I'm going to pass out once I start, I shake like a leaf, feel like I can't breath, become visibly red, and instantly space out.
One time during a previous job I had, I had to give an impromptu speech at an event I helped manage. I had a full blown panic attack and don't remember anything I even said, but do remember people asking me after "are you okay?"
So it must've been bad, and of course thats all the more embarrassing. I am explaining this so you can understand this has always been a problem for me, and no matter how many times I've done it, its been a mess.
Whats going on: One of my childhood best friends got married last year and I was her MOH, when it came to the whole speech thing, although she preferred I do it, she had a Matron of Honor as well, her cousin, who offered to do the speech in my place. I helped with everything else, even had my twin toddlers be the flower girls, and it all worked out great.
This upcoming summer, another childhood best friend is getting married and crowned me MOH, and I soon realized I would be in this position again very soon. Being at the wedding is one thing, but being the MOH, doing everything and a speech, having my 3 kids there probably fussy etc, is a lot for me mentally and emotionally.
She also wants my twins to be flower girls (they are 2), and my son (9) to be the ring bearer. All of this is a lot to handle, and my kids are shy! So when we went wedding shopping, the two of us went to lunch and despite me even being anxious to talk about it (I don't want to let her down), I explained how nervous I was for the wedding.
I told her I didn't know if my son would be up for the challenge since he's very shy and doesn't know anyone at the wedding; that I will try my best with the twins, but they are very unpredictable at this stage so we may want a plan B; and that I am terrified of a speech.
No matter what I said, she ultimately said "Oh stop, everything will be fine! You guys will do fine! I definitely want you all in the wedding and you to do a speech." I backed down and just tried to enjoy the rest of the day, after all it was her dress day.
I haven't brought it up since but every time I think about the wedding, I want to throw up. I know to some people this may seem selfish or irrational, but I cannot help it. I am currently working on a plan with my therapist to handle the day & speech, but I am dreading it every time it pops in my head.
I just wish she would understand, she thinks I am being dramatic, or selfish I guess since it's her special day. I know I am the MOH and I don't mind trying to do most of the things, even all the bachelorette stuff, but it just seems like a lot for me, especially with the speech.
Additionally, I know have this guilt that if I do it for this friend/bride, I should've done it for the other and worry about how she will feel.. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
twelvedayslate said:
If you know you cannot give a speech, you should decline being the MOH. At minimum, when asked, you should say, “I can’t give a speech — if you want to choose a new MOH, that’s totally fine, no hard feelings, but I cannot/will not give a speech.” YTA for that. It’s fine though to say no to your kids being involved in the wedding if you think they can’t handle it.
rlrlrlrlrlr said:
YTA. Yes, unfortunately, even though you're being "nice" you're not being nice. You're effectively allowing her to plan for something that isn't gonna happen.
PhDPlease13 said:
Soft YTA if your anxiety is that bad, then you should decline to be the MOH altogether, because if it interferes with your duties for the wedding, then that can definitely strain your friendship because the bride has expectations. Be polite, tell her you can’t do a speech and understand if she picks someone else. That way, you can still celebrate her big day without worry on your part.
CubanDave87 said:
YTA. Turn down the MOH role. Or how about this. If you’re too scared to do it in public, Wear the dress, make up the works and record yourself doing it in your house and then play it at the wedding. That would be a great compromise.
RegretPowerful3 said:
YTA. I’m probably going to be in the minority here, but hear me out. It’s great you are working with a therapist. Ask how you can help your children as well. Perhaps you can have practice sessions with your children going down the “aisle” in your home with stuffed toys as onlookers.
Ask if you can hold the two year olds’ hands as they’ll be the ones most likely to wander or be behind with your 9 year old so you’re behind the twins (which gives them confidence to go) and giving confidence to your other child.
Practice your speech to your children’s stuffed toys, then to your children and husband, then practice for Christmas. We all have to give a speech at some point in our lives, so practice. Your best friend will appreciate it.
Morngwilwileth said:
YTA. I get it. I really do. But you want to have peace with your mental health and please others at the same time. You can't have both all the time. Your friend told you she knows your issues and still wants you as MOH. This is nice.
On the other hand, you can't set your boundaries. If you can't, you should say so. No is a complete sentence. If you want to try, then try it. Find people who will be your support during the wedding, and accept that this whole ordeal will be stressful and will probably stray from your plan.
It is two different things: to have anxiety / be stressed and to be unable to make a choice yourself. You need to decide if you want to be MOH or not. And say it out right to your friend. Because right now you said yes to her, but do not want to do it.