I (25F) have been close friends with Jane (25F) since elementary school, and our bond is like that of sisters. Jane is getting married in 2024. Myself and another friend, Emily, were both given the honor of being Jane’s Co-Maids of Honor.
We all hail from the south, where wedding culture is a BIG deal. I’ve never subscribed to the larger-than-life southern wedding culture, but I eagerly embraced the role of co-MOA for Jane. I was thrilled to support her and do whatever was necessary to make her dream come to life!
Jane and Emily’s friendship has had its ups and downs. Jane would say that if she met Emily today they probably would not be close friends. Emily and myself were asked to be Jane’s co-MOAs 2 years ago (Jane wanted a long engagement to wedding plan) and friendship dynamics have changed since then.
Anyways, Emily recently got engaged and it has brought Emily and Jane closer with wedding-talk. This made me happy as it felt like finally not all of Jane and my conversations had to revolve around wedding-jabber. I was wrong. Emily’s engagement has magically made all of the co-MOA duties fall to me since she is so busy planning her wedding too apparently.
Earlier this week Jane said she had to cut down her guest list because of venue restrictions. She was actually happy to cut out all of those great aunts, cousins of cousins, and other family members that grandma insisted on being there IYKYK. I told Jane I would help with cutting down her guest list, and would help with any seating arrangements.
However, when I saw the list of potential guest to cut I saw my partner's name. I didn’t think much of it, of course my bf of 5 years would be attending with me, right? I have been Jane’s go-to with all things wedding planning. I’ve planned all her engagement parties, wedding showers, and her bachelorette weekend.
I’ve exhausted hours over the last 2 years to commit to helping her plan her perfect day. I have taken days off work, and spent thousands of dollars on wedding festivities for her.
Nonetheless, it was true. Jane told me that she was not allowing anyone in her wedding party to have a plus-one except those who are in “serious committed relationships.” When asked for further clarification on this, Jane stated that it was for “engaged couples only.”
Now, this made me upset. I have been with my partner for 5 years, we live together, and Jane has known him since we were kids. Emily is recently engaged (less than a year of dating), and was told it was okay for her to bring her fiancé because it met Jane’s criteria. Emily’s fiancé is a real a-hole. He’s an a-hole who always ruins whatever he attends by getting obnoxiously drunk.
I told Jane that this decision upset me and it didn’t seem fair. We had a fight over all this nonsense and now we are not speaking. I’ve felt awful about it all, of course I want to be there for her on her special day, but it does not seem fair to me to get to watch everyone else enjoying their evening together and me there all alone.
I also must note that other bridesmaids were shocked with this, and no one in the wedding party was effected but me (most bridesmaids date groomsmen, so they are already going to have their partner there, or they were engaged and labeled “serious enough to be in attendance”). Emily has put zero effort into being her co-MOA, and it feels like I’m being singled out for some reason.
Jane’s family is like my family, and will ask why my partner is not with me. I guess I’ll have to respond that it’s because “we aren’t serious enough.” I informed Jane that I didn’t feel comfortable attending if I didn’t get to bring my partner, and she accused me of being an entitled brat and emphasized that this wedding was not about me. I get that, and now I do feel that way now…am I the ahole?
NTA. You aren’t a friend any more. You are a wedding planner expected to pay for wedding crap. She is using you. Drop out. FYI Emily is going to get all the credit for everything you have done even if you stay in the wedding.
NTA. You and your partner go do something fun when the wedding is taking place and post pictures on social media. Bonus if you're wearing your MOH dress (I saw a similar post where the former bridesmaid did that).
Honestly, this friendship is over. Accept that. This isn't about your boyfriend. Jane is telling you exactly what she thinks of you. Believe. her. Take appropriate actions. You can simply call it quits and move on with your life.
You can go scorched earth and cancel everything for her wedding that you have access to. I'd go the latter route, as IATA and not afraid to be called one, but that's up to you. Don't pretend that this isn't personal, as it specifically is personal against you.
NTA it’s just straight up disrespectful from her to exclude your partner considering all the effort you’ve put into her wedding that isn’t about you as she’s said. I’d stand my ground, as you’ve said, friend dynamics change over time and you may be getting a preview that you’ve outgrown this one.
NTA stand your ground on this one. You’ve been with your partner for 5 years! How is that not serious?
NTA Fellow Southerner here. Her suddenly springing “no ring, no bring” on you is hogwash. While you may not be engaged, you and your bf of 5 years are certainly committed. He’s not some random guy you just started dating for heaven’s sake!
How long in this multi-year planning process has she known of the venue’s guest number restriction? Irregardless, as co-maid of honor for all the help and support you’ve given plus your many years of friendship with her, IMO your bf should have made the cut or the engaged co-MoH’s (Emily) fiancé should also have been cut to be fair.
I’m sorry Emily and Jane blinded by engagement blinders have let so much fall on your shoulders for the planning. Good news is you can stop going out of your way to do so much or anything. Whether or not she agrees to let your bf attend the wedding you should put your foot down on not being the workhorse behind the planning tasks.
Personally I’d drop out and let Jane and Emily go do everything from now on. Wedding’s in 2024 they can figure it out the rest themselves. And if you have paid any deposits (of your own money) for showers or bach parties, etc. that haven’t yet taken place… cancel with the vendors or air bnbs and direct them to Emily and Jane to see if they want to take over payment. Block the “ladies” numbers and any of their flying monkeys that might try and berate you, too.