Mom of 3 teens tells 'gentle parenting' husband, 'I don't want anything to do with your children.' AITA?

"AITA for telling my husband I don’t want anything to do with his children?"

I’m a 40 y/o f married to a 45 y/o m. We will call him Jason. Jason has 2 kids. We’ll call them Jack (7) and Jill (6), I have 3 grown kids ages 19, 17 and 15. At the beginning of our relationship Jason asked me if I would help him with his children to which I agreed.

Now Jason on the other hand from my perspective doesn’t know what parenting means. I’m very involved with my kids. I’ve made sure they grew up to respect others and I’ve also taught them that if they want something it is earned not just handed to them. Jason’s kids however are handed everything.

They want something his mother will buy it. Anything he buys his kids I.e. school clothes his mother reimburses him for it. Well when I moved in I set rule, boundaries and everyone has chores. Well these chores only apply to his kids when he deems necessary. It is ok for his children to skip chores but not ok for mine who work and go to school.

He is constantly on video games and ignoring everyone in the house. I’ve become the wicked step mom because in the only one disciplining. His BM is worthless and has taught the kids it is ok to disrespect me. His kids can speak to me however they want and even cuss me at times with no punishment.

He does the “gentle parenting “ thing. His kids have explosive outbursts, throwing things, cussing us out, braking things, and evens threatening to un alive themselves (learned from their mother). So finally after months of him basically trying to compare my grown kids to his toddlers, I finally told him I want nothing more to do with his children.

I don’t want any part in raising them I want nothing to do with them, and I’ve told him because of his lack of disciplinary actions I’ve grown to resent his children and now him as well. I’ve done my best to raise my children, and not to brag but I have very well mannered mature teens/adults.

Most of which was done on my own. I’m just tired of being treated like crap in my own home and nothing being done. I’m limited to the amount of discipline I can use as they are not my children. I’m also growing to hate my husband and that’s the last thing I want. So AITA for wanting nothing to do with my stepchildren?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

One_Yak8698 said:

NTA - you need to break up. This is the beginning of what you can expect. Your husband sees you as a maid, nanny, babysitter, and doll to satisfy his physical needs. His idea of parenting is everything that has happened and will continue. He doesn’t respect you, he doesnt need to change because this is only affecting you and your feelings.

He’s telling himself he’s putting his kids first and since they are being taken of with less than minimal effort by himself he’s in the right and you’re just the adult who should suck it up. Leave, get your stuff together and move on. You deserve better and trust me, you will do better.

As the children get older things with escalate and you will take more and more abuse from the kids. Therapy will not fix this, your husband is screaming at you to tell you who he is. You need to believe him. If your husband had any integrity or interest in things working, he would have made that very clear.

I think you already know this isn’t going to improve or change. Good luck, I hope your next partner treats you as an equal with love and respect.

poweller65 said:

YTA why the f did you marry a man who passed along his parenting duties to you at the beginning of the relationship? You chose this useless “father." You can’t just “have nothing to do with” his kids while married to him. Either divorce him or learn the consequences of your decisions.

Worth-Season3645 said:

ESH….So you have been with these kids since they have been 2 and 3? You have had a hand in their upbringing just as much as their parents. You knew from day one how they were being raised, yet married this guy. Why?!

GoreGoddezz said:

NTA. As you said, these are not your kids, so you can only do so much. I think its time to take a hard look at your life. Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life?

archetyping101 said:

ESH. It's obvious that you two married too quickly. If you were around him and his kids long enough, you would have been well aware of this dynamic before agreeing to marriage.

You absolutely can be a sh$% stepmom to adult kids of your spouse. But 6 and 7 year olds? Absolutely not. You signed up to be in a family and if you don't want to be, then get a divorce.

Also, it absolutely sucks that he allows his kids to treat you that way. I understand you're frustrated and you have every right to be. You either divorce or you work with him to correct this situation.

mamaleo29 said:

YTA for staying in a marriage where you obviously can’t stand your stepchildren. I’m not saying you’re wrong to not want anything to do with them, just that these are still young children and don’t need a stepmother who compares her grown children to her husband’s much younger children. You don’t want to raise them and you shouldn’t have to, so do them all a favor and leave the marriage.