Mom is accused of being a 'bad feminist' for 'forcing an abortion' on teen daughter. AITA? UPDATED.
"AITA for being a 'bad feminist' and 'forcing an abortion' when I told my (45F) daughter (18F) that I would NOT be providing free childcare or enough money to maintain a household?"
My daughter is a freshman at college, and she fell pregnant. She called me last night, over the moon, and said that she was so excited, she couldn't wait to move back home and "play mom" (her words).
She talked about what the baby would need that I should buy, that I can watch the baby in the evenings after I work so she can still go to college and "have a life" and how happy she is to finally be an adult.
I was shocked, because I have always told her how important it is to finish college before kids and I pay her birth control monthly to exactly prevent this scenario, but I didn't say that, I tried to be nice and supportive but still firm.
I told her congratulations, and I love and support her but I would not be able to provide substantial childcare or financial support because I am a widow with 2 children still in school and we're barely surviving as it is, and I have had to take out loans just to afford her college, which I now have to pay back.
I definitely can't afford to maintain an adult and a baby on top of that. I work full time at a very intense job, sometimes 50-60 hours a week if I can because we need that money.
I already struggle to find enough time with my school aged children, I honestly don't have much time even for myself, the last time I left the house for something for ME and not the family was before their dad died 8 years ago. I haven't been to so much as a movie or coffeeshop since I became a single mom because there's just never money.
I said she was welcome to stay at home but all routine babycare will be on her and the dad, and on them alone, as would all expenses related to the baby. I would help in emergencies but the only regular, repeatable contribution I can offer is housing and food and utilities.
She got very upset and said the dad had ghosted her and without my support and money, she couldn't afford it and would be too exhausted for college or anything else.
I said that is true, because it is. She then said "so I should get an abortion?!" And I said the choice is hers, but she needed to keep what it will cost her time and money wise in mind when making that choice.
She disconnected without a word, and this morning I got a long, angry text saying I was a terrible mother and a bad feminist because I was forcing her to have an abortion, which I don't think is true at all.
I haven't responded yet because I don't want to hurt her and I know she's scared, but I also still feel strongly that simply can not be raising another child in the little bit of off time I get, and I can't even come close to affording things like diapers and formula regularly.
She has been texting my mom (who also still works full time) and brother, saying that I'm forcing her to abort a child she wants, and they've been blowing up my phone but I just don't have the energy to deal with them, and I don't think I'm wrong so I don't even know what to say to them I've always tried my best to be a good mom, and I've never denied her love or support but I feel like she's asking too much by asking me to devote a significant amount of time and money, which I don't have, into raising this baby.
So, Reddit, AITAH and a bad feminist for "forcing an abortion" when I am "supposed to be pro choice?" She is threatening to cut all contact, and of course I don't want that at all but I simply cannot afford another baby right now, time wise OR money wise, I'm already drowning.
Here's what top commenters had to say:
Optimal-Hamster5518 said:
Tell her that feminism is not unloading responsibility, HER responsibility, on to someone else with no discussion or planning. Not expecting someone to get things for HER baby. She needs to start being a realistic adult and really think this through to see if she truly wants to be a mom.
Give her examples from your life, you have no free time. The kids always comes first. Getting fresh air is nice for parents but not a requirement. Once that baby is here, that IS her life not going out and getting the “college experience”. She will be lucky to pass her classes with such a distraction.
And if your mother and brother thinks it’s so doable tell them to lasso up some money because you already have mouths to feed. Your job as a mother isn’t done yet and you can’t take food out your minors mouth for your grown child who should know better.
Away-Leadership-417 said:
“Play mom” is the worst thing I’ve ever heard. “Since you’re an adult now you have adult responsibilities and decisions to make. Adults don’t rely on their parents to make things happen for them.
Adults definitely don’t rely on their parents to be a parent to their child. You have some very very hard decisions to make. And this will br one of the hardest things you will ever learn: actions have consequences.” NTA.
moominsmama said:
NTA. Also, your daughter doesn't seem to understand the meaning of the word "adult." Send a text to your Mom and your brother: "My dear family, I will absolutely support any decision my daughter makes, she's welcome to move in and stay here rent-free.
Please decide between the two of you who is going to be providing the childcare and who's going to provide financial support, and let her know, she'll be thrilled, I am sure."
Then respond to any insults with the words "Yes, I am obviously a horrible person, she's so lucky she has you to take care of everything!" Chances are, though, that your daughter presented a very different story to them and your family will change their minds once they get the full picture.
SnooWords4839 said:
NTA - Your mom and brother can take her and her baby in, if they want. Give yourself grace and you do not need to even provide a home for her. She is 19, and it's her life and choice. Also, no more student loans for her. She can take them out for herself.
Spare-heir said:
NTA. You are not forcing her to have an abortion. You’re just telling her what reality is. It’s a harsh lesson, but it’s one she has to learn if she’s going to have this kid.
azsue123 said:
NTA. I'm feminist and pro choice myself. Pro-choice means you are responsible for the effects of your decision not *I'm gonna let others take responsibility for what I decide."
You told her, very generously I believe, what you are capable of helping with if she chooses to keep the baby. Your offer of housing is incredibly generous and loving.
She can also choose to abort or give the baby up for adoption. I am sorry you are becoming the fall guy here, you are not the bad guy. You are human and have limited resources.
HotCompetition999 said:
NTA. If your daughter is such a feminist she should be an independent woman, get a job, and raise her child. You refusing to foot the bill for bad decisions she made, as a legal adult, has nothing to do with feminism. She chose the abortion. Not you.
Vaping_Viking said:
NTA. In what world is it being a bad feminist to not put yourself into financial ruin to support a woman who has made their own life choices? Feminism is about giving women more agency and equal rights to men. She has agency and has made several very big life choices. In my opinion, they are stupid choices, but that's neither here nor there.
Being a feminist is not being able to make your own choices and then have someone swoop in to protect you from the consequences of those choices. Your daughter is now facing the reality of her decisions, and she's upset that you aren't bailing her out. Abortion is an option, but there are others.
Adoption, dropping out of school and finding a job, putting the father on child support, etc. Assuming that your mommy is just going to pick up after you for your entire life is the exact opposite of feminism.
If her grandmother and brother are upset with the situation she's in, they're more than welcome to help her out. They're not allowed to sign you up for an extra two mouths to feed, while sitting on their butts judging from afar. Very much not the ahole. Your daughter needs a serious reality check.
jjj68548 said:
NTA. Text them all back and say you are NOT forcing her to get an abortion. You will not be providing childcare or finances towards the baby. You will only provide a home food and utilities but that is it (as you wrote above). Tell them if they’d like to babysit and provide financially then you’re sure your daughter would take them up on that. She’s an adult and needs to figure out how to be a parent.
Everyone was already team mom here. Then, she provided an UPDATE:
Thank you so much for your comments, I'm reading through them but they're coming so fast I can't keep up. To address a few things:
a.) I don't think she meant "play mom" the way many of you perceive it or I may have made it sound. I'm sure she thinks that if I just support her, she would be able to be a good mom and have this baby she wants
I think in her mind, she is fully planning on being a good mom, but I also think she has next to no idea what that means in a practical day to day reality this costs a fortune kind of way, and I'm not sure how to explain it to her without being accused of undue "pressure" one way or the other.
b.) The accusation does hurt, because the truth is I would much prefer she had an abortion, but I'm trying really hard not to influence her one way or the other so I'm not sure where the boundaries are between "sharing your experience" and "convince them to abort"...at least in her mind.
c.) I don't think she's a brat, I think she's just very, very naive and being a bit selfish and thoughtless at the moment. Again, I'm not sure how to tell her this gently - like the loan thing is really messing me up because I've paid for the semester so if she drops out now, that money is gone, but I again don't want to use finances to pressure her or hold finances over her head or something like that.
d.) No risk of my mom taking the baby or the daughter, lol, my grandparents practically raised us, my mom was a teen mom from a long line of teen moms, I was so proud of myself for breaking the generational curse.
My mom never had to "step up" the way her mom had to (and she had to work full time in any case and wouldn't have been able to even if it were needed), and honestly without our gran I don't think we'd have survived because while my mom is great, she's useless with babies XD. I think they're just concerned because it's very unlike us to have such a huge fight, my kids and I almost never fight.
Thanks again for your comments, I'll use many of them to formulate a response to my daughter to helpfully make her think, I may just link the thread if she stays obstinate, though some of you are really too harsh towards her so i hope it won't come to that. Thanks again.