Mom claims to be victim of parental alienation; 'My ex is poisoning our sons against me.' 12 SEPARATE UPDATES suggest 'OP is alienating HERSELF.' AITA?
When this mom is convinced that she is the victim of parental alienation and posts 12 separate updates (about different scenarios) to prove it, she asks Reddit:
OP's 1st post:
"I told my kids' stepmom to back off. AITA?"
(as updates continue, readers start to question if OP is the root of the problem. You be the judge.)
So apparently my kids told their stepmom my son’s bearded dragon was looking sick, or malnourished or something inaccurate, and their stepmom who has her own bearded dragon (that they just got so not like she id an expert)...
asked them a bunch of questions about our set up and started sending them over with little cans of bugs and an expensive UVB light for “the proper lighting” whatever the f that means.
I’m first and foremost a little peeved at my teen who is the one who told his stepmom that “i let the lizard just live in his own poop” and was asking why her bearded dragon doesn’t smell but ours does.
He also is the one who told her our bearded dragon looks sick and I guess my younger chimed in. My younger also told me his brother told his stepmom he wasn’t getting attached to it because it might die early like the last bearded dragon we had. Like wtf??
The lizard is about 6 months old now and a little small, but I feed it daily some crickets and pellets and clean the poop every couple days.
I do take care of it and it’s really not this woman’s place to be telling the kids things like “oh they should be fed 2-3x a day as babies and need to eat a lot of bugs” and implying that I am doing something awful like starving this animal.
So when my younger son came at me again with “something stepmom told him” I told him to tell her I know how to take care of lizards and I’ve had bearded dragons way longer than she has, and to stop using my kids as messengers.
Apparently he went and told his stepmom that and now my ex is texting me that I’m an asshole, she was “only trying to help the kids and their animal” and “its not like you’d ever listen to us about anything so she was trying to teach the kids how to take care of it”.
I think at bare minimum it should have been their dad teaching them, not some lady who isn’t their parent. AITA?
OP's 2nd post:
"AITA for not allowing my ex to get their kids their passports?"
My ex and I are split up. Our older son lives with him and younger with me. We are both not high income but he somehow landed a wife who makes 4x our income and they often go out of the country on nice vacations which I guess he has been sharing with the kids.
The kids want their passports now thanks to his brainwashing. I initially said yes because him and my son caught me off guard and started asking me if it was okay one day.
Then I had time to think about it and realized how bad things are in the world right now and I don’t feel like it’s worth the risk and danger having the kids so far away from me and out of the country with their dad and stepmom.
They also need my consent per our custody agreement to go out of the country anyway, and at this point I’d never say yes.
So today when my ex asked me if X date was okay for the passport appointment I asked where he is even going to be taking the kids, to which he told me “he didn’t know yet, they just want to get the ball rolling because it takes 3 months just to get the passport and they haven’t planned anything specific yet” which I find sketchy.
So I told him and the kids no, that he needs my consent to take them anywhere because of how bad the world is right now and I’d never agree so passports are pointless.
My younger son got upset and my ex got angry also and kept repeating “are you just never going to allow them to go anywhere then?” I never said that, just not right now.
So my ex is texting me now saying I’m an asshole and I’m “robbing my kids of experiences” except I never have gone out of the country and don’t have a passport and I am fine, so I don’t really buy it.
Like does a 7 year old and a 14 year old really need to experience japan or england or whatever, they can go when they are 18 and probably appreciate it more then.
Other than some initial disappointment my kids haven’t even mentioned it to me again so I have a feeling they don’t really care and it’s more their dad influencing them. So AITA?
OP's 3rd post:
"AITA for not helping my ex pay for our older son?"
We have two kids, that both used to live with me. one lives with my ex now (high school) and the younger (2nd grade) with me. They are supposed to both see the other parent EOWE and we split 50/50 summers.
However because my older started playing football I gave up a lot of my time over the summer because his practice is an hour away so i just told him to stay with his dad.
With regards to child support, I filed when I had both kids but for whatever reason the amount came out to 0 in court, and with the custody change turned out I had to pay him ?? but the courts were kind enough to keep it at 0 since I was the one who filed.
So since then, we have each just been paying for the child who lives with us. Also when I had both children I never asked their father to chip in for anything.
He did buy clothes and supplies for both boys and paid for the extracurriculars and our older son’s expensive contact lenses (his vision is so bad the contact lenses have to be custom made) but i never hounded him for it.
Unfortunately my ex does not feel the same now that he has custody. He keeps texting me (seems to be out of spite because he knows I reduced my hours to part time to take care of my boyfriend and I’s baby and no longer make what i used to) saying “the child support order that I filed for states medical costs must be shared 50/50”
so now he wants me to pay half of the contact lenses (200 dollars a year) and also half for his braces which I did agree to pay (100/month).
I told him no to the contact lenses because our son can just wear glasses, which are totally covered by the insurance but my ex says our teen does not want to wear glasses because he plays football.
My ex is also constantly hounding me to contribute to things like football costs for uniforms (he wanted 50 bucks), extracurricular costs, pe clothes, school items, etc because he claims our older son is “more expensive than the younger”,
that he still buys our younger son clothes because “i just give him hand me downs” and he has both boys more than 50% on average because I gave up time with our older son.
He told me I am essentially abandoning our older son just because he no longer lives with me (not true, i did buy him a 60 dollar backpack for school and a nice belt).
When i told him I couldn’t afford it because I work part time now he told me “go back to working full time” and that having another child doesn’t mean I can just stop paying for my current kids. I do pay for my kids, i pay for food and clothes for my younger.
I find it extremely hurtful what my ex is saying. He even threw in that their stepmom is supporting him more than me. I spend time with my son when I do see him, and I am basically paying for my younger son entirely. AITA?
OP's 4th post:
"AITA for not letting my son go to homecoming on my weekend?"
My son is a freshman and his dad is telling me he wants to go to homecoming but it is 6-10 pm on my saturday (I get him fri night to sunday night). I only see him 4 days a month right now and he only sees his brother on the weekends because my ex took my older son away from me to go live with him when he wasn’t doing good in school with me…
So I told his dad no and said it isn’t fair to me or his brother to allow him to go and I can’t drive him there because it’s an hour each way so would be 4 hours of driving for me.
His dad said he would give up the monday but I’d still only get him from sunday morning to monday evening which is less than my usual time. Well my son is throwing a fit now and his dad is telling me I don’t put my kids first, but it’s literally just a dance?
I barely see my son and I already up a lot of time for his football practice. AITA?
OP's 5th post:
"AITA for not letting my son go to homecoming over grades?"
My son lives with his dad and is a freshman in high school. His dad asked if our son could go to homecoming as it is on my weekend. I initially said no because I live an hour away and only see him 4 days a month, but his dad offered to switch weekends so i was considering letting him go.
However, i checked his grades and saw that he has a D in one of his classes. I emailed the teacher and she said he has been on his phone in class and unfocused and not doing assignments complete.
I texted my ex who told me he has been working with the teacher, counselor and assistant principal and our son for the last 3 weeks but the teacher has been relatively non responsive, gives students 0s if they don’t follow all instructions to a T, and takes forever to update grades after the students fix the problems.
He told me he already turned our sons phone off during school hours as punishment and the D is due to one 200 point assignment where our son received a 0 for not taking notes correctly in class and he is working with the teacher to help him redo it and turn it in the right way and the teacher allegedly said he could do this.
He also claims he has been in contact with all his other teachers and he is not acting up in their classes and this instance was specifically when there was a sub in class. Needless to say I have difficulty believing my ex as I am sure he does not want to admit our son is not doing as great as he thought he would be in his care.
My ex also is attributing our son’s academic issues on being new to high school and the school district and is blaming me for “not having any oversight and enabling him” the last 4 years and him switching schools a few times and that “his last school district was not good and he never learned any good study habits”.
Which is ridiculous because I tried very hard to get my son back on track when he was with me until my ex got the judge to move him to his district. Also his dad is enabling him now by trying to get me to let him go to homecoming when he is almost failing a class??
I texted my ex and my son and said absolutely not, no homecoming dance due to the D and his bad behavjor in class, that I will not reward bad behavior and bad grades. I also explained to my son that homecoming is for juniors and seniors anyway and he will have the next 3 years to attend.
My son is furious with me, and I feel bad but at the same time my work friends are telling me I am doing the right thing by disciplining him when his dad will not. AITA?
OP's 6th post:
"My ex came to my car and argued with me, should I bring up for trial?"
My ex is very high conflict. When I was not allowing my son to go to homecoming on my weekend, (I eventually did) my son was arguing with me and his dad who was dropping off my younger son, started backing him up and also arguing and yelling at me in front of the kids.
I do not feel safe anymore and he traumatized my younger son. We have trial coming up. He is trying to get my younger son also (he has custody of the older). Will it be effective to bring this up that he emotionally scares my younger son and me?
He also did this a couple years ago so this is the second time and he argues with me all the time on talkingparents. AITA?
OP's 7th post:
"AITA for refusing to compromise on custody schedule?"
Edit: MY SON IS A FRESHMAN. So he does not play for varsity he just likes to go to the games as a social event or to volunteer.
So I am in conflict with my son mostly (15) but also my ex. Part of the reason I am so inflexible now is because my ex just takes advantage and always pushes to take time away from me when I already only see my son 4 days a month. It doesn’t seem fair that I am the only one having to move things around.
His younger brother lives with me and goes to his dad every other weekend. This was done so the boys could see each other on weekends so it is also not fair to him.
I no longer allow my son to stay for varsity games on Fridays (my pick up time is 730 pm, but if he stays for games I usually have to pick him up at around 930 or forfeit the night). I tried this once and it was very hard on my boyfriend and baby.
He also asked me this week if I could drop off his cousin and brother earlier for my ex’s weekend at 6 pm (his cousin was spending the wknd with him for his birthday) because it’s his birthday and he wanted his cousin and brother to go with him to the varsity game.
During school dances I find myself having to give up time also. Switching weekends doesn’t work because I work every other Sunday and I set it up that way so I can spend max time on my weekends with my older son and my boyfriend cannot watch the kids when I work on the weekends.
I should add that I also had to forfeit a lot of time during summer that we split 50/50 for his football practice that was 4 days a week because it is like an hour drive to take him to practice.
My son told me the other day that I am mean and I suck and I never give him a real reason why I can’t be flexible on the schedule “i just say no”.
However this is my time with him and it doesn’t seem fair to have to give up hours or drive to get him late just so he can hang out at games or dances. There are plenty of games and dances he can go to on the 80% of days he is with his dad.
OP's 8th post:
"Will me being inflexible help me in my trial? AITA?"
My ex and son (15) always asks to switch weekends or do drop off early and I used to accommodate but ever since he is taking me to trial I just have been sticking exactly to the court order.
I also only see my older son 4 days a month and have structured my work schedule around that (I work part time, every other sunday) so when I switch weekends I basically lose a day because of work.
My ex is complaining because he says he does drop offs at different times when I ask, and when I had primary he said he often switched weekends, or gave up his monday holidays.
He says my older son is getting frustrated because I am “difficult” and “always say no” to him. I’ve just repeatedly told him on talking parents that I don’t want to switch because Of my work schedule and because we need to follow the court order and to stop harassing me. For example:
my son wanted me to drop off his cousin and brother (who lives with me primarily) an hour early so they could go to the varsity football game for his birthday. I told him no we have a court ordered time for drop off.
my son wanted to go to a varsity game to volunteer on my weekend and asked if I could get him a few hours late. I said no.
my ex wanted to switch weekends so my son could go to his team trip to a college game and I said no, but I did give up friday night to saturday so he could go.
my ex wanted to switch wknds so my son could go to a school dance. I said no initially but ended up just giving up my Saturday again and let him go.
my ex wanted to switch weekends for thanksgiving because the way it worked out this year was he gets them fri-sun, then i get them sun-wed, he gets wed-fri, i get fri-sun.
He wanted to switch to cut down on the kids travel time allegedly so that we only have to do pick up drop off three times instead of five times but that’s really only two hours saved which isn’t that big of a difference. I think he has something planned that weekend and can’t watch the kids.
my ex is also mad at me for refusing any out of country travel for the kids even though it is his fault for showing them photos of their global trips in the first place.
So yeah now my ex is saying I am high conflict and controlling and more so ever since the trial was put on calendar and not putting the kids first. Is he going to get anywhere with this in trial?
OP's 9th post:
"AITA for buying my boyfriend a more expensive gift than my son?"
So my son is 15 and I only see him every other weekend and 50-50 summers. This isn’t because I’m a bad mom or whatever people tend to think it’s because the judge is split up him and his younger brother because my older son wanted to go live with his dad. So we each see one kid every other weekend so that the brothers can spend the weekend together.
That being said, my older son’s birthday fell on his dad’s weekend this year and his stepmom and his dad went all out and took him on a staycation to celebrate. I am unfortunately not as well off as them. I did give him a card and $40 cash which he said thank you and seemed fine with us.
While he was gone, it was my boyfriend’s birthday. He has been so supportive through all the custody battles and me struggling financially, and basically lets us live with him in his house rent free and helps me take my younger son to school and take care of our baby.
He is a great stepdad. I wanted to do something nice for him so I bought him the PS five bundle since he has been using an old PS4 for a while, we got a cake and did a mini celebration with my younger son and baby and him while my older son was at his dads.
Well, I guess my younger son told my older about it and my older son is now furious with me. He is starting to say again that I don’t care about him and I only care about my new family. However, he was the one who chose to tell the judge he wanted to go live with his dad.
It’s basically his dad‘s fault that I barely see him now. I do still love him and care for him but he had already celebrated his birthday at his dads house.
He told me that he thought I would at least get him a cake and he thought the cake was for him when I took him to the store to buy the cake for my boyfriend, and that it was messed up to do that for my boyfriends and just give him $40.
I guess I don’t really agree because my boyfriend is an adult and so obviously his gifts will be more expensive than a 15-year-old. AITA?
OP's 10th post:
"Losing son and don't know what to do? AITA?"
How do you show courts about alienation? Every time my 15 year old ends up living with his dad and we have court coming up this happens.
The first was when he was 12 - i made the mistake of letting him and his brother stay with his dad during covid (no order at the time). At that point he was still my baby and would fight with his dad often. He was still angry with his dad about the separation.
But all of a sudden after living there, he became angry with me often, not wanting to stay with me as much, getting mad at me if I did not let him go to his dads. I tried forcing the old schedule back and only letting the kids see their dad EOWE to reduce the alienation but then my ex filed for custody and got 55/45 until covid ended.
Fortunately once covid ended the mediator realized my ex was influencing our son by telling him the schools were better where he lived so I got my sons back but was still about 60/40 joint custody.
Then my ex filed again last year and somehow got my son to tell the judge that he wanted to live with his dad. Fortunately they ended up only sending my older son to live there and let me keep my younger son. Unfortunately that meant we both had custody of the other child reduced to EOWE so the boys could see each other on weekends.
For about 6-7 months my son was okay - then when he started high school and my ex pushed for a custody trial to try and get my younger son, everything deteriorated.
We constantly fight over things like me not letting him go to school dances, or not allowing him to change the schedule to stay at his dads more (since I barely see him…).
He tells me I don’t care about him, tells his dad (who encourages him) that he hates my boyfriend and I only care about him and our new baby. That I only care about his brother and not him.
My ex sent him to stay with me on his wknd this week because he went out of town and not even a day into it he got into a fight with my boyfriend for yelling at him when he was fighting with his brother.
Told his dad l let my bf “get in his face” that he hates it here and wants to leave. He told me the same thing when we moved in with my boyfriend last year - “I hate it here and I am going to tell the judge I want to live with my dad” which his dad jumped on.
This is alienation right? How do I deal with my son and how do I show the courts this so I don’t also lose my younger son? He used to be such a mama’s boy :(
OP's 11th post:
"AITA for blaming my older son for his brother's behavior at school?"
For the record my older son lives with his dad and frequently cusses and is crude. My younger son is in 2nd grade and lives with me. They used to both live with me up until a year or so ago and now see each other only on weekends and breaks.
My younger son did not have any issues at school outside a mishap 4-5 months ago where his teacher got mad at him and reached out to me when his classmates beat up a 1st grader and my son just watched and did not go and an adult.
However after spending all christmas break with his brother (1.5 weeks at his dads and then 1.5 weeks with me) he suddenly gets sent to the principal’s office because during independent work time he asked his partner to “smell his (privates)” (unsure if he said balls or butt) and lifted his leg up for him to do so.
His teacher said my son told her he was “just messing around”. When I spoke to my son and demanded to know where he learned that from he refused to tell Me from who and kept saying “from his own head”. I am positive this came from his brother and my son was just trying to not get him in trouble.
I told both my older son and ex this and now both are furious with me. My ex claims I am only trying to pin this on his household because we have a custody trial coming up, and the teacher told him during conferences that my younger son was already talking out of turn and touching people in class...
that he could have gotten it from friends or anywhere and that he has heard our older son cuss but never anything about privates. He also rudely told me to stop blaming everyone else and just parent our child.
My older son is angry with me because he claims he doesn’t say things like that (but he lies frequently and I have heard him be crude) and feels like it’s unfair to pin the behavior on him. He asked me if his brother started fighting in school or vaping if I’d blame him too.
AITA? I did tell my younger son not to do it again and put him in the corner for his behavior?
OP's 12th post:
"AITA for being an allegedly "deadbeat" parent to my older son?"
Some background - my ex had been fighting for custody since 2020 and is still going. He finally managed to get my older son living with him and because the courts kept my younger son with me we now only see the other child every other weekend so the boys can spend weekends together.
I filed for child support but because we make around the same, it was set at 0 with us splitting medical costs and him covering insurance.
So before when both kids lived with me primarily I paid for everything for them - medical, extracurriculars, etc. my ex paid my rent and phone bill and paid for stuff for the kids separate from me. He however decided he didn’t owe any support anymore when the custody became 50/50 even though its his job as a father to support his family.
Now that my older son is with him he constantly hounds me for money that I can’t afford because I work part time now and have a baby with my new partner to take care of.
I also pay for my younger son (clothes, food, haircuts, school supplies, doctors visits) and never ask him for anything for him.
He feels that because he still pays on his own decision for clothing and shoes for my younger son that I am a “deadbeat” for not providing for my older son (I do still pay for half my older son’s braces which is like 100/month and for birthday/xmas gifts and got him a backpack for school).
Some things my ex keeps asking for: half of my son’s contact lens fees, half of copays for medical procedures, money for his extracurriculars which are OPTIONAL and cost way too much, half of school field trip fees.
I keep telling him I don’t have the money and now he is heavily implying I don’t care about my older son and that my older son is way more expensive than my younger son so me not contributing to his expenses is basically “deadbeat” status.
The most hurtful thing he has said is that my kids stepmom provides more for my older son than I do because I won’t “step up” which is terrible and unfair because she makes way more money as it is. So am I wrong for refusing?
Finally, let's take a look at some of the responses to OP's posts:
kikiv writes:
Geez! This woman refuses to bend at all! Older kid is in high school so of course he wants to stay close to his friends. This isn’t parental alienation. This is a mother who is putting her bitterness towards her ex ahead of what her kids want. The older one hates her because he knows she’s bitter and spiteful. It also seems like dad is more relaxed and flexible.
Seeing how mad she got over the kids bonding with their stepmom over their lizard was so petty and immature! Lady needs to back off because if not those kids will cut her off at 18.
maricontrary writes:
Of all the things I could bash her for, the contacts and passports piss me off the most. Before lasik, my vision was shit, and I needed the extra pricey "for astigmatism" contacts. About $800/ year, AFTER my discount. If she can get away with paying $200, she needs to STFU and be grateful.
She should be happy her kids have the opportunity to travel and see cool places. If he wanted to bring them to the heart of cartel territory, or an imminent war zone, I could understand where she was coming from. But England? Japan??? One of the lowest crime rate countries in the world?
I can't wrap my brain around people like her. She just wants to punish her kids for the fact that her ex had the sense to get out, and managed to upgrade his situation.
grabbmuffin writes:
This brings back memories of my own parents divorce. I couldn't get into extracurriculars because it would interfere with Dad's weekend. Mom signed me up for a summer art class thing and all my dad did was complain about how much farther he had to drive to pick me up every other week from the classes.
I even had to push my stuff ahead and leave early on the presentation day because it cut into his time. He always said "he moved farther away to get away from my mom" but after that I felt he moved farther away to get away from me too.
It was difficult having friends because I wanted to go out and do things like any other kid on the weekend but knew it would upset my dad if I wasn't there. Also when he got his current girlfriend/wife now every time we fought or I said 2 words to her I would get screamed at for upsetting her.
Never once questioned if she was over reacting or it was her fault. Mom was the opposite who broke up with a guy when I mentioned he did something that made me a little uncomfortable.
That's just the stuff when I was a kid. He tried pulling the same shit with my son when he was 2 and going through a "everyone scares me" phase and it just so happened that him being "scared" upset house precious gf. He doesn't get to babysit anymore. He made his choices and I gave up on him ever changing.
I wonder if he wonders why I am never around and only ever show up on holidays? If he will ever realize it's his own fault? But I'm more betting on him being like OOP here and thinking it's all the other parent's fault.
mykona57 writes:
That’s the same kid she doesn’t want to get a passport, go to homecoming, BTW everyone goes to homecoming it’s Prom that’s for juniors and seniors. This person is delusional. It’s alienation alright, she has alienated her older son in favor of her new family. Her ex should ask the court for full custody.
Every time the older son needs her permission for anything she says no. It doesn’t matter what it is. If she’s never done it, like traveling, then the kids can’t either.
She doesn’t want the boy to go to homecoming on her weekend, well he’s on the football team so he’s already at the game what kind of logic is it that he can’t go because it’s her weekend? Does he miss the game too?
How much you want to bet she needs him those weekends so she and BF can have alone time or date night without any of the kids?
She looks up his grades to tell him he can’t go to the dance, obviously his grades aren’t so bad if he’s still on the football team. You have to have at least a C average or you can’t play. OOP looks for all kinds of reasons to say no. It’s like she’s jealous of her son getting more.
The part where she says she paid for everything for her kids when the6 were with her, but further into the quicksand she says the ex would pay her rent and phone. This is why she didn’t get Child support not for any other reason.
When the oldest went to live with the ex he stopped paying for rent and her phone. At this point the6 should be paying equal amounts of child support. If they both core the child that lives it with them on their insurance plan then everything else should be 50/50. If one parent carries both kids then the her pays more for the child not living with them.
I felt for OOP when she said she gave her kid $40 and a card since she was working part time. Then turns around and says her baby daddy had a birthday close to the son’s and he got the PS5 bundle. I would be pissed too.
That cost OOP at least $500. You know BD couldn’t possibly play on the old PS4 had to have the newest model. OOP has regarded her oldest as second fiddle and when he wants to do something that needs her permission she finds som flimsy excuse to say no.
Ex needs to go to court, get full custody, get his kid a passport and go on a nice international vacation, and make visitation contingent on the kids academic/athletic schedule.
He has football camp, no visit, visit to a college with the team, no visit, has to study, no visit. She will also not have to pay for anything in regard to this child and may have to find insurance for the youngest. Mind you visitation for the youngest goes on like normal. OOP made this mess but the ex ca fix it for his son.
lorshad writes:
I understand she's jealous that her ex can pay for more than she can but she could have "made it up" in love an attention. Drive those 4 hours to go see his game! Get the kid a thoughtful gift you put time and effort into instead of cash. She will never win the financial numbers game. She should have tried attention and flexibility instead of drawing lines in the sand.
My grandmother once told my mom not to take kids out of the country, because "they won't have anything left to do when they are older!?!"
Yes, they were poor when my mom was growing up. Mom married a poor but determined man who made a comfortable life. Why do people not want their kids to have a better life when opportunities come? It's AH attitude to tell your kid that you never got to do why should they.
I may gripe that the older generation doesn't understand the current job market or real estate, but my parents gave me every opportunity and experience they could. I started life much better off because of it. (I still hated piano lessons, Mom. Thanks for making me try it and for letting me quit)