Mom concerned when she lets her daughter make major SHAVING decision; other parents warn; 'You will REGRET THIS.' AITA? UPDATED

When this woman is worried that she made a bad parenting decision, she asks the internet:

"AITA for allowing my 8 year old daughter to make a shaving decision?"

So this past week my 8 year old daughter has been begging me to shave her head. This just started after her 17 year old cousin did it. I've always considered myself a supportive mom and let my kids do whatever they want (within reason of course)

She had extremely long, blonde, gorgeous hair just like I do. She was fully aware that I was going to support her decision, school was cancelled for the rest of the year and she won't go back to school until August (possibly September) so her hair will have time to grow out.

So last night, I got out my husband's clippers and shaved her head for her. She smiled the whole time and loved the end result.

The next day, I took a photo to send to my mom and only my mom. My mom decided to forward it to a bunch of other family members, who got back to me. 90% of them agree that I'm the asshole for not saying no to her and setting limits for her, and also told me that I'm setting her up for bullying.

Here's the thing - it's literally her hair will grow back. She knows. I asked her if she regretted it and she is extremely happy that she did it. As for bullying, she knows how to stand up for herself and that hair doesn't define her beauty. I personally don't think I'm TA but I want to know everyone else's views on this.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top responses:

agawhrw writes:

NTA. Good on you for not treating little girls’ hair like it’s holy and untouchable, and a sacred resource that’s not renewable. I think that whole line of thought is pretty creepy tbh. Your daughter isn’t a china doll.

We’re social distancing right now, so there’s time for it to grow out and I’ve seen plenty of cute kids with close-cropped hair.

There’s not just one way to be attractive, and your daughter is harmlessly experimenting with her appearance in ways that are totally temporary if she doesn’t like them, and it’s a great message to send her about self-confidence and positivity and autonomy; she’s learning that the only person whose opinion of her appearance is important is her own. Lucky, lucky daughter!

cretin6 writes:

YTA.You can't expect a 8 year old to know whats what. You know what's what. You know this was a dumb idea. And now you're asking Reddit for advise.

If you have to ask any Social Media for a response to your personal actions, odds are not in your favor despite the people who tout 'stunning and brave' as a thing. 99% of them don't have kids and are probably only 5 years older than your daughter. But you do you.

weepadumde writes:

I love this!!! It’s so important that parents establish that kids are their own person too at such a young age. You’re letting her decide her own individuality.

All the other relatives are upset because they’re the type of people who probably believe in deciding what the child wears, how they do their hair, and all that kind of stuff which isn’t necessarily wrong, but your daughter will definitely grow up to remember that you gave her that kind of freedom. Whether she regrets shaving it or not.

When I was young my mom permed my hair which got rid of all my natural curls, turning my hair straight. Getting curls back requires chopping your hair down to the root and letting it grow, I wish she had waited until I was older and I could make the decision for myself whether I wanted to get rid of my curls or not.

I would’ve liked to experience growing my natural hair. So it makes me really happy that you’re giving her that space to decide. Props to you, you’re not the asshole and sound like a great mom.

nekhood writes:

I had a similar situation when my daughter was about 8 or 9, actually. She wanted to get her hair cut very short; her dad was adamantly opposed. I took kiddo to get her hair cut anyway, and of course, her dad was mad. My take on it is this:

Kids need to learn how to make decisions. You start with small stuff that's inconsequential. Blue shirt or red shirt? Then you help them move on to bigger decisions that don't have long-term consequences, but do have (or may have) short-term consequences.

Oftentimes, this step involves clothing and hair choices, because it's also around the time that they want to start expressing independence...but they're still fairly impulsive, so you need to talk them through the whole thing.

"It will grow back, but other kids might tease you. If that happens, how would that make you feel, and how will you handle it?" and "What happens if you decide you don't like it? It's going to take a little while for it to grow back enough so you can do something different.

Are you willing to accept that, without complaining or getting upset, if you decide you don't like having short hair?"

Of course, sometimes it turns out that they realize they've made a poor decision, even though you talked them through it. But that's part of the learning process. They have to go through it, because these skills do not magically appear on the morning of their 18th birthday. They need years of continual practice before they hit adulthood!

Then there's the additional element of bodily autonomy. Just like with general decision-making, kids need to learn this incrementally throughout childhood in order to have healthy boundaries and decision-making skills regarding their own body.

While it's important for all kids, I personally feel that it's especially important for girls to learn about bodily autonomy.

This is why I have given my kids a lot of freedom to make their own choices when it comes to their hair. I don't have to wear it, care for it, or deal with potential consequences every day; they do...so why would I make that decision? Shouldn't they be the ones to decide if they have to deal with it every day? NTA.

mschuster writes:

NAH. You obviously not 'cause a haircut in itself is harmless and the expressed wish of your daughter.

But also, your family is not an AH 'cause they got a point with the bullying - especially the older ones will have witnessed or suffered themselves from bullying in their own school time with the added issue that back 20 years or more ago bullying wasn't even seen as a real problem that required attention. So from their point, they are trying to save your daughter from what was "normal" back in their youth.

gaga0 writes:

NAH. You obviously not 'cause a haircut in itself is harmless and the expressed wish of your daughter.

But also, your family is not an AH 'cause they got a point with the bullying - especially the older ones will have witnessed or suffered themselves from bullying in their own school time with the added issue that back 20 years or more ago bullying wasn't even seen as a real problem that required attention.

So from their point, they are trying to save your daughter from what was "normal" back in their youth.

cteima writes:

NTA. When I was little I had hair almost down to the small of my back. I was also in competitive cheer, and I started noticing that while I had to wake up at 4am to do my hair for competition, the girls with shoulder length hair or shorter got to wear headbands and go.

I asked my mom if I could cut my hair short, and she did the same thing you did. She made sure that I knew it would grow back but it would take time, and we cut it.

My dads family freaked out and would say "your hair was so beautiful" and other passive aggressive comments as if my value as a 6 year old was tied only to conventional beauty.

It hurt hearing this from family, but I quickly learned with my moms help that others opinions didn't matter as long as I was happy. You gave your daughter a hair cut and a lesson in constructing her own identity.

facelss writes:

NTA!! You seem to be raising a free thinker and I'm all for parents that respects their kids sense of individuality and their wishes of what to do with their own appearence.

I think this only reinforces to her that she doesn't need to conform to beauty standarts to be/feel beautiful and that she shouldn't be afraid to try things outside the norm if she wants to.

Just be sure to not let your family or others drag her down, even if she can stand up for herself she's still growing up and building her personality, harsh comments can affect her even if she doesn't show it.

And now, OP's update:

So many of you guys said that I am NTA. The people who told me I was TA said that because she would regret that decision.

We shaved her head almost a month ago. Just a few nights ago she asked me to shave it again for her since she really liked it. I was more than happy to do it.

I do plan on buying her a wig or two off of Amazon before she goes back to school in case she regrets it and wants to wear it to school but take it off at home.

I just want to make it clear - my husband's side of the family (her dad) was fully supportive (after all, her cousin inspired her to do it) I'm also spending less on shampoo and conditioner (she had super long hair).

As for my side of the family who was upset about it - some of them had a change of heart after she talked to them herself and told them that she was really happy with her decision. The other few think that she was forced to say she was happy, but I don't care.

My mom, who was the one who forwarded the picture to my family, apologized. She told me she did it because she thought she looked adorable but should have asked me first. But she was supportive of us.

My daughter wants me to let everyone know that if you really want to shave your head, just do it. According to her, she loves the way it feels on her pillows (she has silk pillowcases) and she liked feeling the shower and rain on her head.