When this mom is fed up with a woman in her community, she asks the internet:
For context, my (23F) daughter (<1) was born with a limb difference where one of her arms ends below her elbow. My pregnancy and birth was very traumatic and we were not sure if she would survive.
She is doing very well now, thankfully. I have been on and off attending the same church ever since I was a child. Recently, an autistic woman (21+) has started attending as well. We have a very welcoming community and the fact she is autistic does not bother me at all.
However, she has on several occasions touched and rubbed my daughter’s nub without asking permission or addressing anyone at all. She will do this for several minutes in silence almost as if we can’t see her doing it.
She makes comments about my daughter growing up to have a miserable life having just one arm and will say how sorry she feels for her and me as her mother.
I try to redirect her and say that my daughter will live a wonderful life and she will be no different than her or I and she will be able to do anything she wants, but this girl says that I am wrong and she will not and just repeats how miserable her life is going to be and how sorry she feels for us. Now I know, I know, she can’t help the things she says or does to an extent.
But these interactions are devastating to me as a mother as I know my daughter is different and will have difficulties. I just don’t want this thrown in my face every Sunday.
I have even stopped attending services because of this and it’s effecting me because church is a big part of my life since having these huge life changing events. WIBTA if I ask her to please stay away from us if she cannot stop saying these negative things and touching my daughter.
Edit: I appreciate everyone advice and I will be more direct with her in the future by specifically stating how I feel and that I do not like when she says/does (x).
I would like to make clear that I do move my baby when she touches her but she will come around to the other side and if I walk away, she will follow.
I tried to address this situation with kindness in the best way I knew how at the time. It’s even more difficult when an entire room of people is staring you down and watching the interactions happen and praising you after the fact for being “understanding”. AITA?
iwish writes:
NTA. In fact you need to increase your "rudeness", because what's happening here is an adult is touching your daughter and insulting her, and you need to protect her.
Genuinely, you are doing this person on the spectrum a favor if you STOP relying on nuance, and expected social cues, and politely explaining something that anyone who understands subtlety to mean "drop it". It's harder for this woman to understand when you aren't being direct.
Instead be blunt. Tell her that what she's doing is hurting you, you are banning her from touching your daughter, and you don't want to hear her talk about your daughter again. You don't care what she thinks about your daughter's life, she's being hurtful to you and violating your boundaries and needs to stop.
Autism manifests regularly with fixation on what's 'right and fair' internally while having difficulty picking up on social cues or another person's emotions. You're taking the wrong approach.
And if you try the right approach and it still doesn't work, the response needs to be to loudly tell her to stay away and stop talking to you and touching your daughter, the same way you will unfortunately need to do for other adults in other settings, at some point or another.
kateria writes:
nta im on the spectrum and cause my mum refused to accept that i was autistic growing up, saying things that would be normally explained away by autism and i "cant help what i say/do" was punished. So i have learnt not to just say everything that jumps into my head.
Saying that kind of thing about a baby is not ok and my mum also punished me for asking to hold babies and pet animals so i typically dont touch a pet or a child unless they are related to me. I feel like too many parents of autistic children just let them run wild and use the excuse of "oh they are just autistic".
Fun fact: When i was younger i was the nanny of a 3-5 yr old autistic child. When i started his parents just let him do whatever he wanted.
He would run around screaming, he would bite his 7 yr old brother randomly or hit him/me. I started making a schedule for him and he started changing into a wonderful little boy that would listen and interact with care and thought.
Before i moved onto another family he was talking some words but was using the sign language i taught him to get across what he wanted and needed.
Flash forward 25 years and i was out to eat with friends when a tall really cute blonde guy threw himself at me and drew me really close into a hug. i was like o.O but his father and brother walked up behind me and i recognised them.
It was my beautiful 5 yr old i hadnt seen for so long but he remembered me and was so excited to see me. He asked if i would join them for food and they even bought my food for me.
His father explained that his son had a job and even a girlfriend. They kept his schedule i set up and he still had a modified version as an adult he was so excited to tell me everything that had happened since i saw him last. It was so great to see them.
Now onto a friend that acted like everyone else, if she had a differing opinion she would keep it to herself or ask if she could tell me how she felt about x.
She got told by a therapist that they thought she was on the spectrum and after that she would say really rude things and do stupid crap and would be like -shrugs- "sorry im autistic" this needs to stop.
So many of us just want to be treated like "normal" people but those on the spectrum that act like this make it really hard for the rest of us
puzzled7 writes:
NTA. When my first child was born, the amount of people who tried to touch her was insane. We were constantly having to tell people, “Please don’t touch the baby!” Some people of course would appear to get offended, but I really didn’t care, especially since almost nobody even asked permission!
And the cashiers were the most annoying because, duh! They’re working with the public every day ( My career also involved dealing with the public every day as well, so it was not personal), and it didn’t occur to them that sharing those germs could be dangerous?
Also, while my daughter had no obvious health issues, just assuming that it’s ok to expose her to a germ overload that could be deadly if she had other medical issues. My sister was our live in nanny so at least when she had my daughter out in public I knew no one would touch her either.
Anyway long story just to say it’s absolutely not rude to tell anyone not to touch your baby. Don’t let the fact the this young woman is Autistic, cause you to feel like you’re in the wrong. Autistic adults understand right and wrong.
Also I don’t think she intentionally wants to be rude, but the inappropriate comments with regard to the baby’s partially developed arm, would are upsetting and you shouldn’t have to redirect the woman every time you’re in church.