Mom forces SO to stay up all night with baby, plans a schedule for him the next day. AITA?
"AITA for forcing my husband to stay up all night with the baby and then making a bunch of plans the next day (when he was running on no sleep)?"
I will cut right to the chase. We had a baby 4 months ago. I get collectively 3-4 hours of sleep a night, if I'm lucky. He's never up at night with the baby because I breastfeed. I'm okay with this. However, he doesn't understand why I'm so tired and he will plan sh$t the next day and expect me to be my best self.
Like inviting his family over, for instance, despite me being exhausted and not wanting to entertain. He doesn't see the issue. I'm tired of communicating the issue, as I've done so multiple times and it goes no where.
So, the night before last I had gotten no sleep. The baby was up until 4am and then I was woken up at 8am to the doorbell. He invited over his mother and niece. They didn't leave until well after 3pm. I was pissed, exhausted, etc. Last night I decided I was going to show him how it feels vs tell him to see if he got the hint. I did not tell him my plans. I kept him awake all night with the baby.
All night. I intentionally kept passing her off to him every single time she got "busy" (she loves moving around). She fell asleep around 3am. I invited my mother and siblings over. They arrive at 10am.
They did not leave until 10pm (so 2.5 hrs ago). My husband was drained, all day. Completely exhausted, irritated, etc. Kept asking me when my family was leaving so he could relax/sleep. I didn't make them leave however because he never makes his family leave.
Once they did leave he said "that was so annoying. I'm literally exhausted." So I said "now you know how it feels. Maybe next time you'll listen to me." Now he's pissed because I devised this plan against him and he feels played. Says that I could have done anything else and that this was ignorant and petty because he's "had a migraine all day" and "needed to sleep but was expected to entertain" and "my family isn't as loud as yours is." AITA?
EDIT:
ETA: to clear up confusion, MIL does not come over to see the baby or to help me in any way. She has held the baby maybe 4 times (one of your "you're gonna spoil her if you hold her too much. Stick her in her crib and let her cry it out" types of person). She walks through the door and starts immediately following my husband around and telling him how great he's doing.
All day. My daughter hardly knows this woman (due to lack of interaction even when she's here) so my daughter screams when she's remotely close to her. So, needless to say it's of no help and it's definitely irritating. It just makes my day worse.
I do NOT trust to just hand my baby over to my MIL or my husband when she is here because of her opinions on parenting (crying it out is not okay with me and she has tried pushing that on us several times). I own my own company, for all the people pulling the "but do you work" BS.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Maya2661 said:
NTA. Those who dont hear must feel. Let him sleep a night and ask him again. If he doesn't acknowledge his stupid behavior again you have a big problem.
StoreyTimePerson said:
NTA. I’m a shift worker and occasionally I’ll only get to sleep 4 hours (which is really 3) before I have to get up and go do something important. It is SO exhausting, I feel almost drunk. It is the height of rudeness and inconsideration to do this to your own partner. Another way you could handle this is by passing the child off to him during his little home visits and going to sleep. Seriously.
MidnightTL said:
NTA. You told him, multiple times, how this made you feel and he wouldn’t listen. So what did he expect you to do to get him to understand that words that have already come out of your mouth.
Also, holy hell, what is wrong with his family that they’d even go over to someone’s house, invite or not, at 8am knowing they have an infant. They should have taught him the lesson you ended up having to teach him and also stayed their asses at home. If they weren’t there specifically to help with the baby they had no reason to be there at all.
mtngrl60 said:
NTA. Stand your ground on this one. He’s pissed off not only because he’s tired and has a migraine… And you have me laughing my ass off with that…He’s also pissed off because he knows downside he was wrong. And he’s too prideful to admit it. Do not back down. If he starts complaining again, just keep repeating…
Now you know how I feel. And you don’t get to be all pissy with me because I have used my voice to tell you this. I have tried to communicate this with you. And you just kept ignoring it.
You ignored it when… (at this point, you start rattling off all the time he’s done this to you, and if you have to write a list out, so you remember them all, do so). And every single time I tried to tell you how tired I was. How exhausted I was because I was up all night with the baby.
And how you kept doing this without even asking me. You kept ignoring me. So yes, I absolutely did have to literally due to you the same shit you keep doing to me, so maybe, just maybe, you would finally understand what I have been trying to tell you.
I’m hoping that now you are listening with your special ears since you now know how it feels. From here on, until our baby is on a sleeping schedule, and we are both getting rest, nobody gets to make plans for the other without asking. Fair enough?
And if one of us does so, then the other one gets to either leave, or just go shut the door to the bedroom and sleep, while the person who set something up without talking to the other one gets to take care of the baby and entertain. How’s that sound?
Selmarris said:
NTA. Your husband needs to be doing a fair share of the night parenting anyway, you are NOT A SAFE CAREGIVER if you’re so sleep deprived you can’t function. Working a job outside the home does not mean he’s entitled to 8 hours unbroken sleep a night and you get 1-2 maybe 2 hour segments per 24 hours.
Pump a bottle, skip a feed, assign him a shift and sleep at least 4 consecutive hours every night. You will feel 100000% better and be a safer, better parent.
craftcrazyzebra said:
NTA you’ve explained this to him numerous times but he’s continued to do it. Yet he spits out his dummy because you did it once. Let him sulk and when he’s had a good night’s sleep he might be easier to talk to. Also, 8am is ridiculous for visitors to arrive WITHOUT the hosts having a baby!
MrsC%ntface said:
Definitely NTA. Your husband sounds pretty pathetic, tbh. 1 night of not much sleep is basically nothing with a baby. If he's going to invite people over, then he needs to be ok w you napping while they're there. And really, people coming over just to socialize when you have a new baby is rude of them, ime visitors typically bring food or help with household tasks to give the parents a break.