Mom gives 'trashy' wedding dress to future daughter-in-law instead of stepdaughter. AITA? UPDATE

"AITA for giving my wedding dress to my future daughter-in-law instead of my stepdaughter?"

I 42F got married 24 years ago. I decided that if I had a daughter, I would pass the dress and accessories on to her. I chose a simple, elegant dress, rather than what was fashionable at the time, because I wanted something timeless that people could wear for generations to come.

I had my son “Mark” now 22M a year after, and his father passed away when he was young. I raised Mark as a single mom for several years. I decided that when Mark married, I would give my dress and accessories to his wife.

When I was 33, I met “Rob” now 52M. I fell in love with him and we quickly married. He became a great father figure for Mark, and I was so excited to have a stepdaughter, “Molly” now 24F.

My relationship with Molly had a rocky beginning. I’ve been patient and gentle with her. I’ve offered to take her shopping or get her nails done. I asked Rob about her favorite foods and made sure to cook those. She made it clear that she didn’t see me as her real mom.

Years passed, and I never changed the way I treated Molly. My door was always open for her, but she never changed the way she thought about me. She called me a trophy wife to my face. If I ever threw a charity event, she would remark “Wow, you’re so generous with dad’s money.” While she didn’t say anything explicitly, I could tell she looked down on me for not having a college degree.

A couple years ago, I made a final offering to Molly. I brought her into my closet and showed her the dress and accessories and told her I would love for her to wear them at her wedding. Some alterations would have to be done (I am 5’9 and a size 4, while Molly is 5’4 and a size 8), but we could make it work.

Molly scoffed and said I had archaic values and that the dress was trashy, and walked out. That really hurt because she knew what that dress meant to me and she didn’t care. After that, I stopped making as much of an effort to build a relationship with her.

Two months ago, Mark proposed to his college sweetheart “Lucy,” with whom I have a great relationship. When Lucy mentioned dress shopping, I showed her my dress. Lucy tried it on and it fit like a glove. She fell in love with it, and I told her the dress, shoes, and accessories were hers. She was so happy she literally cried.

However, a couple days ago, Molly reached out to me out of the blue to ask if the dress was still available. I told her I had given it to Lucy. She asked if I could get it back from Lucy, since I offered it to her first, and I told her 1) she said she didn’t want it, 2) it fits Lucy perfectly, and 3) Lucy is the only one getting married within the foreseeable future.

Now Molly is saying I’m favoring Lucy over her because she’s conforming to traditional standards of femininity (getting married and being thin). That’s absolute baloney, but it got me thinking that if the roles were reversed and Lucy was the one asking for the dress after initially turning it down, would I give it to her? Is Molly right that I’m favoring Lucy? AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

ohnosandpeople said:

NTA. Molly only wants it because Lucy has it. Lucy recognized how precious this dress was to you and treated it accordingly- Molly turned her nose up in an attempt to hurt you. Lucy accepting the dress sounds like a wonderful bonding moment for you both- cherish the memory and ease your mind, you've done nothing wrong.

Tangerine_Bouquet said:

NTA. Why did Molly even reach out to you about the dress, given that she's not getting married? What does she even want to do with something she considers "trashy?"

It's obvious that she only wanted to hurt you here because she knew you were giving it to someone else. It has no meaning to her other than as a way to hurt you. You've already given the dress away, so you're done here.

Chilling_Storm said:

You are favoring the one who you have a better relationship with, that's kinda how things work. Molly rejected your offer. It is your dress to do with what you want. Lucy was given the offer and accepted. Now if Lucy wants to let Molly use it in the future that can be addressed when/if Molly is getting married. NTA.

apieceofeight said:

NTA, Molly said she didn’t want it, and now you gave it to someone else. It’s theirs now, and after how mollys treated you, I don’t think she deserves it, even if it was still yours.

sickofdriving007 said:

NTA. Weird that Molly is even asking for it if she’s not engaged. She turned her nose up at it and it doesn’t sound like you made it a standing offer.

ChickenScratchCoffee said:

NTA. She’s being a brat. Too bad if she’s upset. She’s not entitled to your things when you’ve already offered and she said no.

Ok-Condition1144 said:

NTA as Molly had first refusal. Wouldn’t have offered it to her in the 1st place as she doesn’t accept you as a mother figure.

MerelyWhelmed1 said:

NTA. The dress was worn to your wedding to Mark's father. It makes more sense to give it to his wife-to-be, as it has more of a connection to their union.

UPDATE:

Wow, thank you for all of your kind words! I wanted to give an update to respond to general questions and comments. First, I want to say that the fact that most of the comments are “NTA” is very reassuring. It makes me feel better about my decision to not give my dress to Molly.

I saw some comments suggesting this, so I would like to let you know I already gave the dress to Lucy and it’s safe in her apartment now. Molly has already been bugging Lucy about the dress, but Lucy told me there’s “no way in heck” she’s giving it away.

Some of you have also been wondering about Mark and Rob’s responses. Mark is currently out of town on business and I have had no communication with him on this matter. I’m sure he’ll be supportive of Lucy though.

I did not bring this up to Rob, because while Molly and I have a difficult relationship, I don’t want to sow division between her and her father. However, Rob brought it up last night, saying Molly had contacted him on the matter.

Rob was like, “You aren’t going to give it to her, are you?” When I said no, he told me to promise him I would not give the dress to her. It was very comforting to know Rob is on my side.

Another thing I want to get clear, I do NOT expect Molly to conform to certain “standards.” When I referred to “traditional standards of femininity (getting married and being thin)," I was paraphrasing words that came out of her mouth.

I was raised in a traditional household, but I understand that a lot of women, especially young women, do not share my values. Frankly Lucy doesn’t either.

She has an engineering degree and openly talks about wanting to prioritize her career over starting a family, at least for the foreseeable future, and I couldn’t be happier for her.

I DO realize that I could have done a better job communicating to Molly that I don’t care what she does so long as she is a good person and she leaves the world better than she found it.

Lastly, because after reading the comments I fear I painted Molly in a bad light, I should say that Molly has had a rough life due to the divorce between Bob and her biological mother.

I have never met her mother, and I don’t want to go into gross detail on the internet about someone’s life other than my own, but I will say that her relationship with her mother is not great. I think Molly might be projecting aspects of that relationship onto me.

However, your comments have helped me realize she is in the wrong in this situation. I’ve also realized that it isn’t just on me to build a relationship with her–she has to work at it too, and so far she has not.

I’m never going to shut her out, but at this point if she wants to connect with me, SHE has to be the one making the effort. I really hope the best for her, but she sure as heck isn’t getting that dress.