Mom kicks pregnant daughter out of house, 'she wants to be a SAHM forever.' AITA?
"AITA for kicking out my pregnant daughter to live with her boyfriend since she decided that she wants to keep the baby but not be a mom?"
I'm 35 and the mother to a 19 year old girl. We live in a state where terminating pregnancy is legal. I had my daughter very young and I don't regret it, but I would never encourage it due to how hard it was. I had little to no support and I would never wish the pain I went through on anyone.
My daughter's father passed when I was pregnant and she has no step father. It has always just been the two of us. I was kicked out of my home the second my family found out that I was pregnant, no questions asked, and we haven't been in contact since then. I've since moved halfway across the country, and I will not ever be reconciling.
My daughter has been dating her boyfriend for roughly 4 years now. Her boyfriend is the same age as her and not a bad kid, but he is still a child in my eyes. They both are. Her boyfriend still lives with his parents and refuses to go to college.
My daughter wanted to be a nurse but is now deciding that she won't pursue a career because she wants to be a SAHM forever. She would've been going to school this fall, but decided to unenroll before it began.
When my daughter came to me two weeks ago telling me that she's 2 months pregnant I sat her down. I did not want her to go through the same things I went through. I asked her how this happened and she said that it was planned.
She and her boyfriend mutually decided that they wanted to be parents and this horrified me because she knows all about the struggle we went through together and that I went through alone. I regretfully called her stupid and was upset, but told her that we can work through this together.
Since she decided that she was keeping this baby, I gave her stricter rules, told her how it works, told her what's going to change, and that she will be getting an education under my roof. These terms are nonnegotiable.
My daughter did not like these terms. She fully expected me to allow her boyfriend to move in (who is unemployed, by the way), give her her college fund as money to spend on the baby, the two of them as a couple, and whatever else she wants, not pursue an education, and still go out whenever she wanted.
I told her that I will watch her baby when she's at school and for a few hours a day when she does homework. I also said that I will watch her baby on Saturdays and Saturdays alone so that she can still have fun and be somewhat of a teenager.
I wish that I was given one day out of the week to recharge, take a break from being a mom, and enjoy my childhood. I know that this is very lenient, but I love my daughter.
We ended up arguing almost every day since and my daughter's demands have gotten out of hand. She claims that they're very unfair and I told her to look up what teen pregnancy is like and what motherhood is all about because the conditions and rules that I gave her are very, very lax.
I told her that if she will not abide by these rules, then she'll have to live with her boyfriend's family. She cried and yelled at me, but I put my foot down. She ended up moving out three days ago. We've never had a fight like this. We've argued about petty things such as sleepovers and parties, but it was always resolved within a few hours and was never serious like this.
I've texted her multiple times that if she changes her mind on the pregnancy or the rules then she's more than welcome back home and that I will always love her no matter what she chooses. I also told her that she'll always be my baby girl and that I didn't want her to go, but we have no space for a full family and being a mother means that your entire life will change.
My heart aches. I love my daughter and feel like I failed her as a mother despite being so involved. She knows all about safe intimacy, was never bullied, we were basically best friends (though I am still her mother and she has always known that. It isn't just fun. I do discipline her when I have to and we get along amazingly), and we do everything together. I never thought this would happen.
She had no better reason to get pregnant than "I wanted to be a mom and I'm ready" but she isn't thinking about what a mother actually does. I know I made single motherhood look "easy" but it never was.
I worked two-three jobs for the majority of my life and didn't eat some days so that my daughter never went hungry and always had nice clothes. I only finally got a "real" job as a nurse 2 years ago after being in and out of school for over a decade.
AITA for kicking her out? I thought that this was the best thing to do to teach her that things will be changing. I want her to come home, I really do, but if she won't accept these new rules and understand that motherhood is not easy, I can't just let her back in willingly. I feel like such an ahole.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
BlueGreen_1956 said:
NTA. They planned this baby; they get to have the responsibility that comes along with it.
MrPKitty said:
NTA. They want to live an unrealistic dream in which other people do things for them and they do nothing in return. They wanted to be parents, and figuring shit out is part of that.
mysteriousrev said:
NTA. She demonstrated that she doesn’t have the maturity needed to be a parent. For example, she assumed she would have her college money to blow away, but had clearly given no thought to what will happen once the money runs out.
It’s unrealistic to expect you to support her and her unemployed boyfriend indefinitely. And what about paying for her baby’s future education? It’s hard to get a well paying job with only a high school education. Your rules are very generous and much more supportive than many others I’ve seen on.
Somewhat_Sanguine said:
NTA you didn’t really kick her out, she made her own choice. You were extremely lenient in your rules. If the boyfriend got a job, would you allow him to live there if he paid rent or something? So that way both parents would be in the same home?
It’s pretty much impossible to be a stay at home mom or dad nowadays unless one partner is making really good money. She realizes that right? You’re offering her a place for her and the baby to stay, money to attend school, free day care…
Most single moms would jump at the chance for that arrangement. I’d give her time because she’s very young and she’s probably not thinking through everything. Right now her thought process is probably “boyfriend + baby + stay at home all day = happy fun times with roses and gummy bears." We both know that’s not the reality.
_A-Q said:
NTA Call me cynical but I’m willing to bet the bf put this whole thing in her head to stop her from going to college and leaving him behind. Don't you ever allow this boy to move into your home.
He has her completely wrapped around his little finger and you not playing along and allowing him to live with you like the free meal ticket he thinks this is is putting a damper on their whole plan. His family ain’t gonna support them long. Keep the door open for your daughter. But I repeat, DO NOT LET HER BF MOVE INTO YOUR HOME.
CarpeCyprinidae said:
NTA, this was good parenting and a sensible reaction to a shameless attempt to make you do everything for her.