"AITA for making my mom choose between her fiancé and unborn child and me?"

For context I (17F) and my mom (40F) have always been close. She has always been my role model, obviously I care deeply for her and don’t like seeing her get hurt. Her and my dad got a divorce 10 years ago and her fiancé, we’ll call him Ryan(42M), proposed to her a few months ago.

I STRONGLY dislike him. He is a narcissist who only cares about himself and getting a pump at the gym and having fun. I honestly have never met anyone more entitled.

He obviously was not disciplined as a child and has told more than one story about how as a kid and teen he would steal or do something that is morally wrong or even illegal and the cops would arrive at his house and his parents would lie to them to get him off the hook and he wouldn’t even get so much a a talking to afterwards. Anyways, Ryan is a peasant piece of sh!t and treats my mom horribly.

I am quite certain the only reason that he wants to marry my mom is so that she can take care of his son. He knows that I do not like him, neither do my siblings, no one likes him he’s a tool. I have seen both him and his son screaming IN MY MOMS FACE.

This was 2 weeks after she had undergone a major surgery and she was still in remission but had gone and made herself suffer because he wanted a fun weekend on the boat. God forbid he care about anyone’s comfort and wellbeing other than his own.

Anyways, i went to visit my dad for a few weeks and when i came back i went with my mom to run a few errands and at the pharmacy she suddenly turned to me and told me “Don’t freak out, okay?” And then she got a pregnancy test. It is safe to say i freaked out. Internally, obviously, i’m an oldest child—a seasoned pro, if you will. Even the thought of forever being tied to him forever is nightmarish.

I told my mom then and there that if she is pregnant and chooses to have it then she can consider it a replacement of me because i will no longer be in her life. I planned on doing that if she started to plan the wedding with Ryan (I’m still hoping she will see sense on her own, or at least recognise that he is emotionally unstable and abusive towards her).

I told her she would have to make a choice; the baby and her fiancé or me. She was speechless. It was the first time i have ever seen her like that. Then she told me that she could understand my hatred for Ryan but not my hatred for a child that hasn’t even been born yet and how she was disappointed in me that i would give her such an ultimatum.

Later on she told Ryan about it and now he hates me more than before too (thats fine buddy, the feelings mutual) but with all of the remarks that they have made around the house i’m considering not even giving them a choice and leaving on my own. I really dont think i am the asshole but if you disagree please explain why cuz no matter how i look at it i dont see a problem in my action.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Oldgal_misspt said:

Your mom said she can understand why you said that about Ryan. She literally admitted she understands why you think he is enough of a reason to leave her life, but then SHE TOLD HIM WHAT YOU SAID ANYWAY. Your mom is not smart, your mom is not prioritizing the safety of herself or her children, and you need to get out of that home. NTA

clearheaded01 said:

NTA. You need to look after yourself - and staying to watch your mom suffer abuse from Ryan is going to hurt so leaving seems right. Be aware, that now your mom is tied to him forever unless she has a miscarriage or an abortion, so.. you mom is lost for you if you maintain this.

"Then she told me that she could understand my hatred for Ryan." And yes she still chose to get pregnant with him?? What did she expect you would say/do??

And SnooWords4839 said:

NTA - Pack your things and call dad.

UPDATE:

I spoke to my mom again. She is NOT pregnant and she said that she didnt want to have a child with him.

To clarify a few things: Ryan is awful. I don’t hate him for going to gym, i hate him because he doesn’t care about anyone but himself and expects the whole world to bow down to him. Him and my mom had a year where they had broken up. In that year he slept around including with some of my mom friends (not anymore). I think he has stopped now, but he was like that before they broke up as well.

Also, i don’t hate him for going to gym, i hate him for caring more about his physique than anything else (his child included) and i hate him for being erratic and temperamental because of steroids and his ‘roid rage. I should not have to deal with that, neither hound my mom. He constantly belittles my mom and complains about everything. Anything my mom does is wrong.

He also expects her to stay at home and take care of his son while he does whatever it is he does but refuses to support her financially. I’m not trying to make this a money problem I’m just laying out the facts, if you want a stay at home wife and mother then you need to support her.

He also doesn’t let her meet her friends who she has know FAR longer than she has known him and he doesn’t let her dress like she wants. He has also told her that she doesn’t deserve to take a break or go on a weekend away because she hasn’t been a mother for months since she moved in with him...

First of all—hi, i exist, she has been taking care of me, second of all she has been doing all of your sons stuff with him; school runs, therapies, play dates, baking for school fundraisers, taking him to birthday parties, bringing our snakes to show his class for show and tell, etc. and for what?

For both him and his son to treat her like a servent and expect this from her? Also, she now has to work as well because he wont pay for her? I’m not losing it right? That’s wrong, right?

Also, anything i do is wrong. He is constantly looking out for when i do one thing wrong and then he tell my mom about it and it ends in a 2 hour long lecture because I didn’t rinse a plate right. And his son hates my brother and vice versa so my brother is also constantly getting in trouble and SCREAMED AT by him for the smallest things, like having boundaries.

That does not fly with me. You cannot treat my siblings like that they are the reason i live and i can’t understand how he thinks thats fine? So what if my brother doesn’t want to share a toy, every other toy he has shared with your son has been broken beyond repair and your son never gets scolded.

And my sister? She is the sweetest, kindest human being to ever grace this earth and he’s horrible to her too. She beat him in go karting by 2 full seconds and he still wont race against her and has been gaslighting her saying no it was 0.2 seconds and making up excuses or whatever. My sister was so proud of that. She’s got terrible self esteem and he just keeps attacking her like that.

I overreacted when i gave my mom an ultimatum because i was scared. She found out that she was mostly infertile a few months ago and that if she did conceive a child, they recommended she abort it because it would likely be a case of the babies life or hers. I obviously don’t want to lose her.

Also in the months before she found that out her and Ryan had been discussing children and she would always say she didn’t want because she already had 3 beautiful children and she has been a mom since she was 23, she didnt have her 20s like other people did, she doesn’t want to add another 18 years till when the last one is out of the house.

She wants to live her life and do things she wants and not center her whole world around us, and i get it, and i want that for her too, but she can’t do that if she is dead. If it really goes downhill i will go live with my dad and my siblings (14F and 9M). They chose to live with my dad because they do not want to be around Ryan.

I know I was wrong to give the ultimatum but I was scared sh!tless. My mom is so painfully selfless i was worried she would sacrifice herself for Ryan and her to have a child. She has since taken tests and they all came back negative (thank God) but i think i have given her a lot to think about.

I really truly hope that she will make the right decision because especially now that there is no baby tying them together she is mostly free to do what she really wants.. Also, my dad is an amazing father, just not a great husband. I’m not blinded by love, when my parents first got divorced i hated him and blamed him but i have grown up a bit and i see that he has only ever done his best for my siblings and I.