Mom makes controversial co-parenting move when ex and stepmom call her daughter's clothing 'inappropriate.' AITA?

When this woman makes a questionable coparenting move, she asks the internet:

"AITA for sending my (35F) daughter (7F) to her father's (36M) for the week with an empty suitcase because they always complain about her clothing being inappropriate?"

AITA for sending my (35F) daughter (7F) to her father's (36M) for the week with an empty suitcase because they always complain about her clothing being inappropriate?

My ex husband and I divorced 6 years ago. 4 years ago, he married his now wife, who has a son the same age as my daughter. My daughter and I live in a different state than my ex, so when she visits, she has to fly unaccompanied, and therefore only sees him a couple of times a year.

My ex and his wife are wealthy. They belong to the country club, his hobby is racing cars, and they both drive luxury vehicles (Porsche and BMW). I, on the other hand, am a single mom in marketing.

I make ok money, but it's still a struggle to make it to the end of the month and cover all of the bills. But, I must say, we have joy. My daughter is happy. She has friends. She may not be the most stylish, but I cover everything for her before I even consider buying anything for myself. She's clean. She's presentable.

For the last couple of years, every time my daughter visits, my ex will call me to tell me her clothing is inappropriate for their lives and that I need to go get her new clothing before she visits.

I'll be honest, I just kind of brushed it off the first few times because I didn't want to rock the boat. But then something just kind of snapped and last December, I told him that if he thought her clothing was so inappropriate, he was welcome to buy her a new wardrobe, as her clothes work for our life. He didn't really like that answer and told me so.

Before she left to visit for a couple of weeks last month, he called me to remind me she needed more appropriate clothing for their life. I was, admittedly, pissed. So I grabbed her usual suitcase, put in the things she absolutely needed like her blanket and teddy bears, but left out all clothing.

He was pissed, to put it lightly. He called me screaming that I was being immature and ridiculous. I told him that if her clothing is inappropriate, he should go make sure she has the right, appropriate things to wear. Clearly my judgement is flawed and they would have a much idea of what she should wear.

He's now threatening to take me back to court, which I can't afford, but his new wife's family are all lawyers, so they would have no problem affording. I think he's just bluffing, but I also think if I apologize, they'd let it go. I just... I'm having a hard time coming up with an apology that feels real, as I can't tell if I am in the wrong here.

So reddit... AITA for sending my daughter to her dad's house without clothing after he's said, for years, that all of her clothing is inappropriate for their house, and telling him to go buy her new clothes himself? Should I apologize for ruining their first day by making them go shopping?

Let's see what readers thought:

peachyhann writes:

NTA. Your ex's constant criticism of your daughter's clothing is not only unfair but also dismissive of your financial situation and the fact that you're providing for her needs. It's not like you're sending her in rags; she's clean, presentable, and happy.

The issue seems more about fitting into their affluent lifestyle than actual concern for appropriateness. By sending her with an empty suitcase, you called out their unnecessary complaints and essentially put the responsibility back on them if they want her to wear something different.

It sounds like your ex and his wife have the means to provide the "appropriate" clothing they deem necessary, so it's not like your daughter will be left wanting. Your decision wasn't immature; it was a response to their persistent and unreasonable demands. If they're truly concerned about appearances, they can easily afford to buy her a few outfits.

Apologizing might smooth things over temporarily, but it won't solve the underlying issue of them not respecting your circumstances and the way you provide for your daughter. Stand your ground, and hopefully, they will realize that cooperation and understanding are more beneficial than criticism and control.

dankymcjnagle writes:

ESH. Your ex and his wife for the obvious reasons, but you for reacting so poorly and not just ignoring it. By your own admission, your petty "stand" could risk your having primary custody of your child.

Why risk things with people who can easily take you to the cleaners? Is it fair? No. But its ultimately your choice to let shit get to you. Quit the bullshit. And just keep being a good parent.

Also, don't communicate with your ex outside of email/text/court. If you ever end up in a custody battle, it's better to have documentation vs he said she said

gerture8 writes:

ESH. He's being a petulant ass about the whole situation. He's for sure an A H.

You're also being petty and using your daughter as a pawn to play stupid games. To send her without any clothes to change into? What were you thinking? You can send her very plain or tacky clothes if you want to make a point.

Maybe her shirt can read "My daddy smells funny". or 'My other t-shirt is a Gucchi". However, she needs to have her basic needs met. When she gets to the house and spills juice down the front of her dress, what does she change into?

edit: And now I'm feeling bad for suggesting your daughter wear t-shirts badmouthing her dad. She shouldn't be weaponized like that, but I can't help but feel that there is a germ of a good idea in there.

Make it so that she is clothed, but in a way that's perfectly reasonable and completely inappropriate at the same time. Malicious compliance. Maybe buy plain white t-shirts and decorate them with her like an art project. Completely appropriate for a child, you make a fun memory and your ex will hate it.

edit2: No, this is terrible advice. Forget being petty and just send your daughter enough clothes for a week and tell the ex to piss off.

winecheezplz writes:

My ex always complained about my son’s clothes. (He also once decided my sons clothes smelled “new” and got mad at me for not cleaning them before sending him in them even though I would never send new clothes to his house lol)

My son’s dad also lives out of state. He is responsible for clothing our son at his house. He got mad I never sent jeans or button ups or polos because he needed church clothes but we don’t go to church in my house so we don’t have church clothes.

I told him he can supply his own clothes and that was that. I stopped sending winter clothes (he’ll wear a hoodie) but he would forget to send stuff back and refused to mail it so I was stuck buying my son two pairs of snow boots. Winter gloves, etc. and I was over it.

I do, however, make sure to send him in tennis shoes because his dad won’t buy those for him no matter what. At 7 the clothes should last at least a full year if not two as she gets older. and he can clearly afford it (target shirts are $5) He either GRACIOUSLY accepts what you send or he spends the money for what he wants.

I don’t think the courts will take custody from you because of this assuming you can show the texts that show his distaste for her style when you do send clothes and him saying it’s not good enough.

indidv writes:

ESH- You are a moron, too. My ex used to do something similar. If I sent my daughter to her house in my clothes, we'll it meant I stole clothes my ex bought. But if I sent my daughter back in the clothes she came in, then I neglected her and didn't change her clothes even though they were clean. You know what I didn't do? Use my daughter to get petty revenge on my ex.

That isn't what you did. You showed you daughter you'd rather be petty to her father than send her with clothes. Maybe she would like some of her stuff from home regardless of what new wife says. But you didn't care.

Also now your ex can tell a court you care more about petty revenge than the welfare of your daughter. Worse, yet he can show that to your daughter, that mommy doesn't care enough to even pack clothes.

You screwed up big and need to stop caring what they say. It is and should be about your kid, period. My ex is terrible and made horrible claims about me. Well, in the end, my adult daughter has a relationship with me and not so much with her.