Mom names 4 kids after grandparents but refuses to name 5th after stepmother. AITA? 'All other parents were honored.'

"AITA for naming four of my kids names inspired by all four grandparents but not naming my fifth child for my stepmother?"

My husband and I have five children together. Our last baby was born 5 weeks ago. We chose to give our first four kids names inspired by their grandparents, our parents. Their names are not directly the same name as our parents but inspired by the person.

Summer for our oldest, for my mom, whose name meant summer and was a summer baby, which our daughter is also Robin for our second, for my FIL, it's a play on his name AND Robin's are his favorite birds.

Luca for our third, for my MIL who always loved that name but felt it was similar to hers and didn't want to do that and she loves the name for a girl. Phoenix for our fourth child, for my dad and has a nickname in common with my dad's name and my dad always found Phoenix's cool lol.

For our youngest we ended up with a name inspired by my grandma and my husband's grandma. They had the same first name, sort of (both used the same name but one had a longer more formal name while the other had it as their given name) which made it easier.

My grandma was the woman I saw in a motherly capacity after my mom died while I was young so honoring her was special to me. But we wanted to give our kids their own names hence the way we chose to honor.

The choice for our youngest child's name was controversial with my stepmother. She and my dad met when I was 8, married when I was 12 and my mom died when I was 6 for context.

She saw me as her daughter for a long time but stopped seeing me that way mostly, when she realized I didn't return her affection in that way, because while I like her enough, I don't regard her as my mother figure and never ever considered calling her mom.

I never considered honoring her with one of my kids' names. But this has upset her given our youngests name. Also the fact she has two kids with my father but both are disabled and won't be having their own children so she doesn't get to experience it like my dad did.

She told me all of this and she expressed that she feels like I was disrespectful to her and her efforts to be a mother to me, efforts I always rejected but she feels I should have shown love and appreciation for in the naming of my children when all other parents were honored. AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Inevitable-Chest-143 said:

Nta for not naming your kid after her. But you should reconsider how much effort you put into the relationship (and try to put in more). She clearly cares about you a lot. And you even remark how you don't put as much in.

She's not your mom, she'll never be your mom, but she has been in your life for 20 years and for major life moments. How do your other kids refer to her?

wxst3d said:

Nta- it’s your baby. Why is she getting upset about what you named your child? It’s not really her place. She’s weird for that…

Stealy302 said:

NTA, personally I think if even as a child you didn’t have a motherly connection to her it was for a reason. Also besides that, people need to get over what other people name their kids. It is no one’s business but the parents of that child. Also I really really really dislike the fact she is bringing up your disabled siblings as like a guilt trip…

I raised my nephew from the age of 4-13, during middle school his mom (my sister) entered back into his life and he pushed us away because we were more strict. He actually doesn’t live with her and lives with our mom (it’s a long complicated story) He choice to call me mom and my husband dad - now he calls us by our first name but our youngest who is disabled is still brother.

Anyway my point is I don’t care what he calls me, in my eyes he is my son and I just want him to be happy - did it hurt , heck yes but I got therapy!! We are the adults. It makes me sick she is using the other siblings as a weird excuse to be “honored.” Really gross.

ScaredCat276 said:

NTA but I actually feel some sympathy for your stepmother. I don’t think she should have talked to you about the naming of your child—totally inappropriate—but really she was expressing her pain. OP, I hope that now as an adult and a parent you can see how hard a position she was in as a step parent.

No reason for you to have called her mom or feel that level of attachment but she sounds like she was not a bad step parent and tried hard to be a good one (maybe tried a little too hard). I get the sense she felt her efforts were not appreciated at the time (and that’s on your dad not on you as a child).

You are definitely NTA for not naming your child after her but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t show some sympathy to what might be her real issue of her feeling like she was never accepted no matter how hard she tried.

Cultural_Card_2603 said:

NTA. You are not obligated to placate her feelings with something as personal as your child’s name. If she didn’t warrant that consideration based on your relationship with her, then there is nothing more to be said.

Physical_Cause_6073 said:

NTA. It’s unfortunate but life isn’t fair. You aren’t obligated to name a kid for her and I think it’s rude for her to expect it.