So like it says in the title, I have a daughter, "Leah," who is 5. She's strong and healthy, but slightly underweight for her height. She's been this way since she was a toddler. She seems to take after her dad, who is also very tall and thin.
Leah eats plenty of healthy food and gets lots of activity, and we see her pediatrician regularly. He has told us that her weight is not an issue as long as she continues to eat well.
The problem is my mother, who is convinced my daughter is going to become obese. While I serve healthy food most of the time, I do occasionally let my daughter have McDonald's for lunch or ice cream after dinner.
Every time I do this when my mother is around, she makes dire comments about how Leah is going to get fat. If Leah mentions she had a hot dog for dinner, my mom says something about the childhood obesity epidemic.
If she sees me giving Leah a cookie, she shakes her head and says something about how Leah seems to be "packing on the pounds." To her credit she never says these things in front of Leah, but around me She never stops.
The thing is, I am overweight and have been since I was a kid. Not obese, but definitely heavier than I should be. Although there are a lot of reasons for this and I know that the responsibility for my health is ultimately mine alone, I think my mother's unhealthy attitudes toward food have played a large part in my weight problems.
She would tell me I was disgusting and needed to lose weight, then turn around and give me a cupcake if I had a bad day at school. Food was the enemy, but also my main source of consolation. This led to me becoming an emotional eater, a problem I still struggle with today.
I have gone to therapy and made major changes in my lifestyle to become a good role model for my daughter, and I am losing my excess weight. I talk regularly with Leah about nutrition and exercise, but I refuse to place the same value judgments on food and weight that my mother did.
I have told my mother, repeatedly, that Leah is healthy and happy and is not in danger of becoming obese, and that I want her to stop making comments, but she can't seem to help herself.
I have warned her that if she starts making them in front of Leah that I will cut her off in a heartbeat, but Leah loves her grandma and I would hate to end their relationship over something that is really only bothering me.
Can anyone think of a way to get my mom to lay off?
kikiut writes:
Yep. Might be a good time for the "sneaky people" talk with her 5 year old. For those not familiar, it's basically the concept that replaced "don't talk to strangers"
that people who ask you to keep secrets from your parents, and who threaten consequences if you tell, (i.e. who are "sneaky") are not people you can trust and you should tell your parents about it.
It's a useful concept because kids are, sadly, more likely to be abducted or abused by someone they know than by a stranger (so "stranger danger" isn't really that useful).
It also has the side benefit for detecting parental undermining. My 3 year old told me the other day that he had to tell me about a "sneaky person" and I was really worried until he admitted very gravely that his granny told him not to tell me that she let him eat half a can of lemon pie filling for dinner last night. I'm baffled more than I'm mad, but I'm glad that he felt he could tell me.
Depending on the 5 year old's level of understanding, OP could also talk to her directly about the issue of her mother, specifically. Mention that granny has some weird ideas about food and bodies, and that she may try to talk to her about them in secret.
It's too bad that granny has these weird ideas, but it's still not good to keep secrets, so she should tell OP about it. This primes the pump for the daughter to tell OP once it starts (which, as others have pointed out, is all but inevitable) and OP can act accordingly.
arcae3 writes:
Well, as someone who grew up with a verbally abusive mother, I've found it's easier to stop it from happening to others than to you. Especially if it's someone like your mother, who by all accounts, you're supposed to trust and who is supposed to raise you right.
Leah and grandmother aren't as closely related as OP and grandmother, so she's able to see this happening with third-party objectivity and be a champion for her little girl to not let her go through the same thing.
But it gets harder when you're an adult and while you're no longer a helpless child, an adult is supposed to be able to shake things like this off... despite the fact that it digs into your psyche and adds up to everything else you were told when you were young.
But I don't think grandmother is passive-aggressively referring to OP here, I think grandmother just found a new punching bag that cannot as easily shut her and her lies down like an adult can, while the child can only listen and accept. Because she's supposed to trust and love grandmother, because why would mommy's mother say mean things?
It's a vicious cycle and I hope OP goes no or low contact with this woman. I can't stand to see another little girl grow up with issues about her body that someone else placed in her head.
venus6 writes:
Your mother is still making these comments to you because you are allowing it. Shut it down every single time. "This topic is not up for discussion. If you insist on bringing it up again, this conversation is over." Then mean it. Kick her out. Leave where you are. Hang up. Which ever applies at that time. This is what you have to do every time.
She has your ear so she won't stop until she is forced to stop. Tell her that bringing it up will end up losing time with her granddaughter and mean it. You say your daughter loves her but she will internalize these messages if she hears them, especially if they are from someone she loves and trusts so much.
Also no unsupervised time with grandma. I wouldn't trust what she said behind your back or her actions after this.
icerrows writes:
This hits home. I'm the only grandchild, and my grandparents have always been super critical of my weight and appearance. It wasn't to my face when I was little, but once I got older they criticized me directly instead of criticizing my mom.
They came to visit for my college graduation recently, and the first words they said to me were "oh, you got fat". I'm not fat, but the last time they saw me I was underweight because I'd just dropped 45 pounds due to stress and health problems. I hope you find a way to make her stop, for your daughter's sake.
ok, you've all convinced me that I need to put my foot down with my mom and tell her that her comments need to stop entirely or she won't see me and Leah anymore.
I'm supposed to see her tomorrow so I'll post an update after. Thanks Reddit -- I really needed to be smacked in the face with reality, and you did it in an admirably gentle way. :-) My mom constantly tells me my perfectly healthy daughter is going to become obese. I'm sick of hearing it, but don't know how to get her to stop.
PariahBear790: Maybe a trial run where your daughter does not see your mother for an extended period of time (2 weeks or something) in the mean time tell your mother how you feel and let that sink it for her. Right now it's concerned comments made to you. Eventually it will be private concerned conversations between Leah and her grandmother.
OOP:That is my main concern. I have told her point blank that if I ever hear her mentioning Leah's weight or eating habits to Leah, I will not hesitate to cut off contact. I will not have my daughter raised with the same eating issues I had. I do think she will respect this, because she loves Leah (only grandchild) and knows I am serious about this.
OOP when asked if there's any truth to the mother's comments: It's a fair question, but yes, I'm sure there isn't any truth to the comments. Leah's doctor was the one who characterized her as a little underweight.
At her last checkup she was in the 95th percentile for height but down around the 40th percentile for weight. If a kid with those stats is considered overweight, I'd hate to see a kid they considered to be at a healthy weight!
After reading all the comments I realized I needed to talk to my mom. So when she came over, before she had a chance to say anything about Leah's eating habits, I took her aside and said "enough. Leah is healthy and happy, and your weight comments are inappropriate.
They stress me out and they're bad for Leah. If you keep making them, we're just not going to see you anymore." She sputtered a bit, but ultimately agreed to my terms. I was hopeful that maybe she would actually stop making the comments so we could have a somewhat normal relationship and she could continue to see Leah. Hahaha.
I work a part-time schedule of two days per week and every other weekend. This was my working weekend, so my husband was home with Leah. When I got home after work on Sunday, I could tell something was up. Leah was already in bed, and my husband looked really tense. He's usually a pretty laid back guy, so this was weird.
When I asked what was up, he said we needed to talk about my mother. I had told him that I had spoken with her and that she had been warned not to make any more comments about Leah's weight.
Well, apparently she just couldn't do it, because she called him (knowing I was at work) that day and told him that I was blind to Leah's problem and that he needed to get involved because I had confided in her that Leah's pediatrician told me she was at serious risk of obesity and Type 2 diabetes and that we needed to change her diet so she would lose weight.
What?!? For the record, Leah's pediatrician has never said anything like that. In fact, as I mentioned in my last post, he has told me that she is underweight.
Fortunately, my husband a) attends all Leah's doctor appointments and b) has the sense to realize that a rail-thin child isn't edging toward obesity, so he knew it was bunk. He told my mom that she wasn't to call again until she heard from me.
Well, I was livid. It was like after years and years of weight-related crap from my mom something finally snapped. I called her and the minute she said "hello" I just lit into her.
I told her that based on her behavior she was either delusional or a manipulative sociopath, and that either way she wasn't allowed around me or my kid again. I told her she was not welcome to call, e-mail, come over or send cards. Basically, we were going to pretend like she didn't exist. I hung up before she had a chance to get a word in edgewise.
She called fifteen times that night. I finally blocked her number on my cell and my husband's (we don't have a landline so this means she can't call us at all). I had three emails in my inbox the next morning, which I deleted without reading before blocking her email address as well.
Finally, we had given her a key to our house for emergency purposes so first thing yesterday I had the locks changed then took Leah out for the day.
Lo and behold, when we came home my neighbor said that my mom (she recognizes her because she used to come over a lot) had been banging on the door for almost half an hour earlier that day before storming off in a huff. I can only imagine how angry she was when she realized her key didn't work anymore.
I feel better than I have in years, which makes me think I did the right thing. The only thing I'm still struggling with is how to break the news to Leah. She really does love grandma. My husband and I are going to sit down with her tonight, so I guess I have until then to figure out what to say.
agaryadsi: sure didn't take long for her to not only not make comments, but to escalate it to OP's husband with lies that are easily shot down. She must be really delusional, which will most likely mean she won't back down to the no contact easily.
OOP:This is what concerns me. If she has any grip on reality at all, she would realize that my husband wouldn't believe her lies. Either she's actually lost it or she's playing some kind of game by saying that to him.
HappyDuckPotato: I'm curious, what is her own relationship with food? Is she overweight?
OOP:She's not, but she definitely doesn't have a good relationship with food. She counts every calorie and tries a lot of fad diets to keep her weight down. Her attitude, which I think she got from her own mom, is almost like weight is a moral issue. Being overweight isn't just unhealthy, it means you're a bad person.