'AITA for refusing to give my mom wedding photos because she photoshopped us?'
"AITA for refusing to give my mom wedding photos because she photoshopped us?"
I (29F) got married two months ago. It was a small outdoor wedding that I coordinated myself. My mom (58F) has always been very image conscious. Growing up she made comments like “if you just lost 10 pounds you’d be perfect” or “don’t wear horizontal stripes, you’ll regret it.”
I have worked through a lot of that in therapy and honestly thought I had moved past it. We got the wedding photos back last week and they were beautiful. My husband and I cried looking through them. I shared the online album with my immediate family. Two days later, my cousin sent me a screenshot from Facebook.
It was one of my portraits with my mom, except she had clearly photoshopped herself and me. She took about 20 pounds off herself, smoothed her wrinkles, and she slimmed my arms, lightened my skin, and even changed the shape of my nose.
I was furious. Not just because she altered me without asking, but because people were commenting “wow you look amazing” and she was replying “thank you, it was such a magical day.” It felt like she had turned my wedding into her vanity project.
I called her and told her it was inappropriate and hurtful. She brushed it off saying everyone does little edits and that it was not a big deal, and that I was being too sensitive.
I told her I was not sending her the rest of the photos if she could not respect them as they are. She blew up. Now my dad, aunt, and grandma are telling me I am gatekeeping memories and that my mom was just trying to look her best.
Now I am second guessing myself. It feels crazy that I have to explain why I do not want my own face altered, but my family thinks I am punishing my mom. My husband is completely on my side, but I am the only daughter and my family closes ranks fast.
AITA for refusing to give my mom the rest of the wedding photos because she photoshopped herself and me before posting them?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA - They are your photos to do what you want with them and she doesn't have a right to edit your appearance without your consent.
Circe_Fairy_Blair (OP)
like way to mess with my self esteem lol. I thought my glam was good!
I'd make copies and photoshop mom out and send her those. But I'm a petty witch like that. You are NTA.
I would have put the originals with the copies with a caption like "mom's Photoshop skills" and asking people what they think. Also, post embarrassing pictures of her like when she's sitting on the couch in her PJs, stuffing her face full of spaghetti etc.
NTA. Post the original picture, as a reply to her edited one, with the caption 'This is the original photo (that I love), before my shallow, self-obsessed, mother edited it.
Even on the happiest day of my life, where I felt more beautiful than I ever have before, she still had to make me feel like I wasn't pretty enough. She will not be posting any more of the pictures, due to her saying that she just altered them to 'make me look good.' or words to that effect.
BS. If she was only trying to look HER best, why did she photoshop YOU? Besides it was not about looking her best its about editing photo's to look like something she isn't. NTA.
You're not gatekeeping memories. She's making them up. She might as well have AI create her fantasy! NTA.
NTA. What your Mom did was cruel. If she wants to photoshop herself, that’s one thing. But to do that to you? On such a wonderful day she alters your face and body? It gives me pause imagining how long she spent doing this and what was going through her mind.
On one hand, once you post a picture, you cannot control what people do with it. But you can reasonably expect your own mother not to try to erase your body and your face.
It must be disheartening to have people you love criticizing you. And I can see some people just running away from taking a stand because it’s such a painful issue. I can also see others just not “getting it.” Again, you can’t control how people react to this. But you can refuse to give her any more pictures.
I think you should give some thought into spending less time with your Mother. And never give her access to another picture again. That means either blocking her on social media, or only sharing photos with people who want give them to her.
Make no mistake, I support you in your reaction. I worry that somethings not right mentally with your Mom. Her behavior points to someone who doesn’t like her appearance. She needs help.
But also, you might benefit from getting counseling to help you deal with this as well as past behaviors she did that threatened your self-image. Again, I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I take comfort that your husband understands and supports you.
Circe_Fairy_Blair (OP)
he has been the literal best. he gets it, hes seen her in action for years.
A few years back a friend's MIL (and this was the MIL from hell lol) wore a white gown with a little train to the wedding after sending the bride a pic of the dusty rose dress she claimed to have purchased for the wedding.
Friend was LIVID and the photog who was also a college friend used photoshop to turn the dress a sort of mustard yellow, skillfully added about 20 pounds and sallowed up MILs skin in most of the photos and edited her out of the others.
It was MILs turn to be livid. Friend explained that SO MANY people were gossiping about and trash taking MIL being low class for wearing white to her son's wedding it was just too painful a reminder to see her in the photos wearing the white dress.
She SWORE the photog didn't make any other changes tee hee. MIL demanded the photog reprint the pics but DIL said, oh the photog accidentally damaged the original data cards so this was all there was.
Your mom's compulsion to change YOU in the pictures is very disturbing and makes me question her mental health in general. You are NOT gatekeeping memories you are trying to keep your mom from squatting down and taking a dump on your memories. I'd be tempted to post the ORIGINALS in response to the edited pics your mom posted.
Circe_Fairy_Blair (OP)
oh her in white would have been icing on the betrayal cake! I think I would have lost it. good for your friends photog!!!!
NTA. Memories are things that actually happened. Perhaps they mean you’re gate keeping your mom’s fantasies? Her daydreams? Her undiagnosed and untreated mental illness?
I’d probably post a public social media album with all the original photos (that you are comfortable sharing) and let mom know she’s welcome to download whichever ones she wants from there. Tag her and your dad in all the originals if you’re feeling petty.