'WIBTA if I send an email to the birthday girl’s mom explaining why my daughter left the party early?'
"WIBTA if I send an email to the birthday girl’s mom explaining why my daughter left the party early?"
My (43F) daughter Annie (9F) was invited to a party at a bowling alley to celebrate a classmate’s birthday. Only girls were invited to the party and about 21 girls were in attendance. We were about 5 minutes late to the party and arrived at the same time as another classmate (Betty).
Due to the long lines, it took Annie and Bella about 10 minutes to get their shoes and to walk over to the lanes. The hostess had reserved 3 lanes next to each other. As typical with bowling alleys, there was 2 curved benches for seating for 4 lanes.
When we arrived at the lanes, the other girls names were programmed into the two lanes and an adult male was programming his name in the 3rd lane. Annie went to the area and was directed to the third lane. I said hi to a few of the other parents and saw that Annie left the area.
I asked her where she was going and she said that she was told to go get a blue ball because it was lighter. I realized that the ball was 14 pounds so I told her I will go look for a lighter ball for her. When I came back with a ball, one of the parents asked if I was bowling and I said that I was just getting a lighter ball for Annie.
As I gave the ball to Annie, I heard the dad of one of the other girls say to Betty that her name is now on Lane 2 as the birthday girl’s mom, the hostess (Dana), came by. I asked Dana if Annie can also be added to Lane 1 or 2 and was told that Annie is in Lane 3.
I was surprised and walked over to Lane 3 to see that Annie was added to Lane 3 and the only player on Lane 3 was Annie playing with the adult male who we didn’t know with a bunch of other players named kid 1, kid 2 and kid 3.
I then saw Annie sitting by herself. I asked her if she wanted to go to the other bench to join her friends but she said she was on Lane 3 and was waiting her turned to bowl though the adult male was bowling for the other kids.
I let her be and went back to talk to some of the parents but 5 min later realized she was still sitting alone on the bench rather than joining her classmates on the other bench for Lane 1 and 2. I walked over and asked her again why she didn’t join the other classmates and she said that she felt left out.
So I asked her if she wanted to go. She said she did because she didn’t want to play with the adult male stranger. So Annie and I walked out. As we went out the door, her friends asked her why she was leaving and she said she didn’t want to bowl with the male stranger.
The other parents asked me why we were leaving and I said that Annie was playing on a separate lane by herself. A few parents offered to have them take turns in Lanes 1 and 2 but by that time Annie had walked out. I then took her out for ice cream. After we left, I realized I could have asked Dana to divide the girls evenly into 3 lanes, but by that we had already left.
I’m really upset how the hostess thought it was ok to isolate Annie and am glad I didn’t just drop her off and leave. WIBTA is if I sent the hostess an email explaining why we left early and how the setup was exclusionary, and that it was improper to have my daughter bowl with an adult male stranger instead of her classmates?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Trevena_Ice said:
NTA, but: You should have asked, why there is a stranger bowling on the reserved lines. And yes, you should have asked Dana to divide the girls to the three lines. But it doesn't help now to send an angry e-mail. It will only backfire. Dana had much to do with 21 kids there. Yes it was bad that Annie was put on the last line.
But I think no one was thinking that far. Children have the first come first served mentality and all wanted to be on the lines with the friends. And Dana had to do with all the other stuff - so I think she will be just angry at an E-Mail and it could backfire to Annie and her friendship to the classmate.
jsrsquared said:
I think YWBTA if you sent an email. I get that Annie was disappointed, and the hosts didn’t handle the situation as well as you would have liked, but what response do you expect?
I’m assuming the ominously titled adult male stranger was probably a member of the birthday girls family or something since they were using the reserved lane, and while it sucks that Annie was added to a lane with people she didn’t know, it’s understandable that Dana was not focused on prioritizing the happiness and comfort of someone else’s kid at her own kid’s party.
SouthernTrauma said:
YTA for not actually advocating for your daughter at the bowling alley. Instead, you just left with her. You taught her to just take whatever crap she's given and bail if she doesn't like it. You could've had that convo with the parent in charge and made sure ahe was included in the proper way.
600Fusionho said:
YTA. You were late and your daughter doesn't drive. So it falls squarely in your lap. You will never know what would have been had you been on time.
HappySummerBreeze said:
YWBTA to make this a big deal by sending an email. You were not TA for leaving though.
BogBabe said:
YTA for not speaking up and using your words at the time. Talk to the adult male stranger, for example: “are you part of the birthday girl’s birthday celebration? No? Then why are you bowling in this reserved lane?” Or, if yes: “who are these kids? Let’s introduce them to Anna, and let’s have them bowl for themselves so that you, the adult, aren’t the only one using this lane.”
Also talk to the host mom: “is that man in lane 3 part of the party?” “Can we swap the kids out periodically so that they all have a chance to bowl with the birthday girl?” And so forth. Advocate for your daughter in the moment, when something can be done about the situation, not later when you would mainly just be venting anger and it’s too late to change the outcome.
torgeaux42 said:
YWBTA because you didn't address this at the time. Asking your daughter to fix things by going back and forth wasn't ideal, but it was something. Talking to a parent to fix this on the spot is what you should have done.