Mom questions her parenting after husband says; 'You're coddling our 3 yo son, he's going to be spoiled.' UPDATED 11X

When this mom questions her own parenting after being criticized by her husband, she asks the internet:

"Am I a bad mom?"

So last night I put my 3 year old down for bed and then got into bed myself, my husband wanted to stay up a little longer and play video games. At about 10:30 I got woken up by small tugs on my blanket. My son was having nightmares. I picked him up and laid him down next to me, he cuddled up to me and went to sleep.

My husband finally came to bed around 11 and was mad to find our son in our bed. He woke me up and told me I needed to put him back in his bed because I'm spoiling him by giving him so much attention.

My son only sleeps with me like 1 or 2 times a month but totally would more if his dad allowed it. My husband told me to stop coddling our son because he "isn't a baby anymore" I still feel like he's my baby and I need to protect him.

He gets scared at night and just wants his mama. My husband also gets mad and says I need to "stop giving him so much affection so he'll pay attention to his dad more". Am I doing something wrong? I don't feel like I am, I just want the best for my baby.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top responses:

feagty writes:

You are doing great. You did exactly what you are supposed to do. The whole "you're spoiling him by loving him too much" is the most toxic bs ever.

You are SUPPOSED to help your son when he is scared. If you don't do it, who the hell will? No one... and then he's left scared! Night after night after night of being scared without being comforted... that's how you end up with problems.

We MUST end these toxic "old-school" mentalities about loving and caring for our children. Your husband is 100% wrong. No wonder the world is so screwed up.

So many people were not properly loved and taken care of when they were children, so they grew up to become cold, bitter, emotionally detached, cruel, heartless people who inflict even more pain on other people.

You're SUPPOSED to care for your child. You're SUPPOSED to comfort him. You're SUPPOSED to help him when he needs help.

That's how you form a close bond with your child. That's how your child learns to trust you and learns that he can come to you when he needs help. These days it's nightmares. When he's in his teens, it might be something WAY more serious.

You need to have a strong, loving bond with your kids, where they know they can be vulnerable and honest with you. I did NOT have that with my parents.

So when I had problems, I kept them all to myself, because I didn't trust my parents, and felt like they didn't have my back. So I got deeper and deeper into trouble, because I had no one to turn to. I'm lucky to be alive. Seriously.

So I do NOT want that for my child. When he needs comforting, I comfort him. When he's having big feelings, I'm there for him, loving him through it. I want him to know that there is nothing on this earth I wouldn't do for him, nothing on this earth I wouldn't help him with, nothing I would judge him for, nothing he can't ask me for.

I would go to the ends of the earth for him, and I want him to always know that. So whether it's a bad dream, or something way, way worse, he can always trust me. I will ALWAYS be there for him with a hug and a kind word and a plan to help.

OP, your husband needs therapy. He wasn't loved and comforted by his parents, so he can't allow it for yours. That's HIS problem, and he needs to work through it. You need to convince him that HE has a problem, and that that problem can be helped with therapy.

He needs to know that he can heal, and he can have a closer, healthier, happier relationship with his own son too.

agaywr writes:

You’re a wonderful mom. You’re doing everything exactly right. That’s kind of shitty that your husband woke you up to say that. I am sorry.

My husband is also very strict when it comes to our 2 year old and his sleep schedule. Our toddler was so excited one night bc grandma came … grandma took him out of his crib when he started to cry at night … my husband got mad but more so bc he is sleep trained and that took a lot of effort and time, he doesn’t want our toddler to regress.

If I had it my way I would def be cuddling with our toddler more — when he grows out of his crib and into a toddler bed I am going to get a bed big enough to lay next to him at night and read together in bed, or possibly console him but have him fall asleep in his own bed again.

I have friends who have a futon they bring out and sleep on the floor next to their childrens cribs just to help them feel secure. Then when the child sleeps they make their way back to their adult bed.

Could be an option for you if your husband is adamant about not having your son sleep with you… through if his reason is to toughen up that is male toxicity and I’d have him watch Justin baldonis “not man enough” Ted talk ;)

And now, OP's first update:

"Thank you. I'm just trying to do the best I can for my little boy. I am almost entirely sure that he is autistic, because I have autism and he seems to have similar symptoms. I could be wrong. But if I'm right, I imagine it already makes big emotions even harder for him to deal with."

Someone asks if she's discussed her son's potential neurodivergence with her husband:

"I have, we are going to talk about it with our pediatrician next time we see her! My husband is still very stubborn though. After reading through these comments I have decided to push for couples counseling as well as just independent therapy with my husband."

More about husband and son's relationship: "My son has always been more attached to me. His first words were Mama. When he cries he always wants me. His dad just says "you're alright, get over it.""

"I know why he wants me more, but my husband has lead me to believe that his attachment to me, isn't good." More about her relationship with husband:

I fully realize how much of a jerk my husband has become since we had our son. I'm just trying to raise our little boy better than we were raised. He is still caught up on some bs from his youth. When I met him he was sweet and caring. But since we had our baby he lost all his charm."

Update 2:

So after reading all your replies and suggestions. I pushed for counseling with my husband, he refused. He said he survived his childhood and a little rough parenting will do our son some good. I told him our son is 3 and doesn't need to suppress his feelings.

We dropped it there. Yesterday he pushed me over the edge. My son was playing with some wooden blocks in the living room. At one point he got a bit to excited and threw one. It hit his dad.

His dad started screaming and ran over to my son and slapped him across the face. I started yelling at my husband and told him he would never hit my son again. He told me he deserved it. I packed a bag and my son and I are currently staying at my parent's house. I'm filing for a divorce. My son will not be beat by his own father.

3 year old is oblivious to the whole situation, he's very happy to spend a couple days with grandpa and grandma. He is especially excited he gets to sleep in the "big bed" with mom.

But I can't help feeling like I'm wrong for this, will this affect him mentally growing up? Am I being selfish by trying to take his father away? I love my son but I don't want him to grow up getting hit anytime he messes up.

Update 3:

"After sitting, and thinking, for hours on end. I've come to the conclusions that I should've done this a long time ago. I want what's best for my son. I'm sorry you didn't have a dad growing up. But I'd rather be a single mom, than be married to an abusive piece of work.

My child just turned 3, 2 months ago, he definitely doesn't have an opinion. He doesn't understand the situation. Also, I already provide for my family. Getting rid of my husband would give me MORE money month to month.

My husband works in fast food, no education. I am a school teacher and I work at a small business most evenings. My son comes with me to work most days. My husband lives in MY house. I pay all MY bills, I buy all food, I spend plenty of time with my son. I will always defend my son.

I will never let a man who can barely take care of himself tell me how to raise my son. My BABY will not be beat because his dad is butthurt over his own childhood. I'm sorry you don't understand the severity of the situation. Maybe one day you will."

"I'm not entirely sure if dad wants to stay in the picture. He said if I divorced him then I would be on my own and that he want nothing to do with my "spoiled brat" of a son."

Update 4:

"My husband showed up at my parents house and my dad made him leave. He keeps messaging me, I'm screenshoting everything he says. My mom and dad are helping me get through this. My husband keeps threatening me and I'm documenting all of it.

My son is still oblivious and only wants to go home cause he misses our cats. Since we've been staying with my parents, I've noticed slight changes in my son's attitude and behavior. He seems happier. He doesn't seem as scared to play rough with toys or be a little loud.

He also stopped asking if he could get in the bed with me and instead just climbs in and snuggles into me. I'm over joyed to see my son so happy and toddler like. Seeing how quickly he brightened up after not being around his dad for 4 days makes me wonder what his dad was doing when he had time alone with our son.

I'm very thankful for all the help and support and will keep you all updated as time progresses."

Update 5:

So, a lot has happened. So yesterday at about 5 or 6pm my husband decided he wanted his WIFE back, not his son, just his wife. So he showed up at my parents house and started beating on the door.

We told him to leave, he didn't, eventually he started fighting my dad saying he "just wants his wife back". Eventually the police were called and my dad pressed charges against him for assault.

But other than that, my little boy has started doing this absolutely adorable thing when we are going to sleep. When he snuggles up to me at night, he gives me a small kiss on my nose and tells me "I'm the best mama" and that he "loves me more than Mr. Kitty (his stuffed kitty that he carries everywhere)"

It makes me so happy to see him smile and he giggles so much about everything. He's so cute. I love my son so much.

Update 6:

I would really like to change the title of these post but I feel like it would be confusing.

Anyway, I have been talking to a lawyer for the past week and we are working on the divorce proceedings as well as custody and possible restraining orders. I am also trying to take my house back before my soon to be ex-husband does something to it.

For those concerned, we have picked up the cats and all four of them are comfy in my parents house.

For those who want an update on my son, he's doing great. His grandma got him some little dinosaur toys yesterday and he has played with them until he physically couldn't anymore. He's also started trying to feed me stuff. Also if I tell him he's my handsome boy, he tells me I'm his pretty momma. I love my son.

I'm glad things are going well. Any future updates will be about my son until all court proceedings are finished. Thank you reddit for all your help.

Update 7:

Alright, so over the past week I have been talking with a lawyer and compiling evidence. My soon to be ex-husband has still been trying to get me back. At one point he even "agreed to get therapy" I know he won't. And besides, you lose a lot of love and respect for someone after you see them slap your son and punch your dad.

But anyway other than legal stuff here is an update on my son. On Thursday last week we went to the doctor and my son does seem to be okay physically.

They did find a couple small bruises on his arms and legs but they said it's probably from him running around and falling and toddler stuff. On the other hand, his doctor does believe he has autism. So in a few weeks he will be getting evaluated.

My son is very noticeably happy. He loves all the attention he gets from his meemaw and pop pop. He has also commandeered a blanket he found in their house and has decided that it will be his forever.

He has also started this habit of snuggling as close to me as physically possible in bed. I don't know if that's okay but I'm going to assume it's fine.

He hasn't asked about his dad. He is perfectly content with life. He's happy I'm happy, everything is right in the world so far. Hope it stays that way.

Update 8:

Well, I have officially begun the divorcing process. I asked my son if he misses his dad, he said no. That answer solidified this decision for me.

My parents and lawyer are both encouraging me to file for full custody of my son. I will be doing this as well as filing for a restraining order since he has not only hit my son, but also my father.

My son has been nothing but happy recently. He's been eating good, sleeping good, and playing how toddlers do. Seeing him so happy gives me the motivation I need to keep pushing through this hardship.

Since all of this started I haven't been eating or sleeping good and it amazes me how much children pay attention to that. My son will try to feed me and lay down with me for a nap. He's such a sweet and loving boy and I know he will grow up to be a sweet and loving adult especially with his father out of the picture.

I cannot fathom how grateful I am for all the love and emotional support I have had over these past weeks from all of you other parents. Thank you so much. I will update more in the future.

Update 9:

Well it's officially been at least a month since I left my husband. Court proceedings are going well. My husband has decided to fight for custody of our son as I suspected he would. But other than that, it's going well.

My son is still happy, he is sick right now. The day after Halloween he got pretty sick. His doctor said it's just the Flu. He's vaccinated so he should be fine.

Even though he got sick he had a very nice Halloween. He wanted to be a kangaroo. So I dressed him up as a joey and I was a big kangaroo. He loved it.

He doesn't care much for chocolate, so my mom bought a bunch of ring pops. So he still gets the sugar high that comes with Halloween.

Anyway. Will update more in the future. I do enjoy writing about my son a lot more than his sad excuse for a father. Thank you guys.

Update 10:

My ex and I are officially divorced. He is tearing me down every chance he gets. I'm working myself to death while fighting him. I'm losing motivation. I just want the best for my son. I want him to have what his dad didn't.

His family is berating me for calling him abusive. They called me a bad mother and sent me death threats. I am a bad mom. I jumped the gun knowing I've never done this alone.

My son barely gets to play with me cause I'm so exhausted constantly. I try so hard to do anything and everything I can with him. He sleeps with me every night. He snuggles up so close to me.

And every night I look at him and cry because I don't know what I'm doing. I can't handle this. I don't know what to do. My parents are so much help, but they can't make up for when I'm not there. My son is going to grow up thinking "where's my momma" she's at work trying to keep food on the table cause she left your dad instead of working things out.

Update 11:

After a bumpy road, a few breakdowns, and many bad memories. My son and I have finally moved back into our home. My parents blessed us with an early Christmas present, a security system!! Now we can't have any creepy ex husbands lurking around our house.

My son is happy, and after re-reading my previous posts I've realized I am too. Everything is going right in my son's world and that's all that matters.

My parents have also gifted my son with a German shepherd puppy since he has to leave his best friend Shelby (my parent's chocolate Labrador) behind. He has named her Calypso after the teacher dog in bluey and they are best friends.

My son is happy and I couldn't ask for anything more. Thank you all for the love and support. It has been much appreciated.