Mom REFUSES to change daughter's clothes at friend's birthday party; 'I don't care that her mom was HUMILIATED.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this mom is upset at her daughter's friend's birthday party, she asks the internet:

"AITA for refusing to change my daughter's clothes at a birthday party?"

I (34F) have two kids (8M & 4F). My daughter's name is Aurora. My husband (36M) and I chose that name because it was slightly similar to my late FIL's, and worked well with our last names.

It had nothing to do with the princess from Sleeping Beauty. In spite of that, we've had fun with that movie in the past, and ever since my daughter realized that she shared names with a Disney character, Princess Aurora has been her favorite.

Our family went to Disney World in July, and while there, we bought my daughter a Princess Aurora costume. She adores it, and wears it whenever she has the chance.

Two weeks ago, one of Aurora's friends from school threw a princess-themed birthday party. She encouraged her friends to wear costumes. My daughter wanted to go as her favorite character, which didn't surprise me at all.

When we got to the party, the birthday girl came to greet my daughter, and she was also dressed as Princess Aurora. I didn't know what her costume was going to be prior to the party.

I got worried for a second, but the birthday girl was actually really excited. She said that they looked like twins. It was adorable. They ran off to play and I forgot about the costumes for a while.

About 30 minutes into the party, I was at a table with some of the other moms when the birthday girl's mother came up to me. She asked if I had brought any spare clothes for Aurora. I said yes (I always bring an extra shirt and shorts for her). She then asked me to change my daughter into the spare clothes and out of her costume.

The mother explained that she'd hired a photographer to walk around taking pictures of the kids, and was also planning on getting a group photo near the end of the party.

She didn't want anyone wearing the same costume as her daughter in these pictures. She also thought her daughter might get jealous, since my kid gets to share her name with their favorite princess.

Now, if the birthday girl was the one who had a problem, I might've considered changing Aurora into her spare clothes. But no, she was genuinely excited they were dressed the same. It also didn't feel fair to force my daughter to be the only one without a costume in a party full of children in princess dresses.

I said no and explained my reasoning to the girl's mom. She insisted for a few minutes, but I held my ground. Some of the other moms started to back me up, and she eventually got up and left.

When I went to pick up my kids earlier this week, I ran into her friend's mom. She accused me of ruining her daughter's party by allowing Aurora to wear the same costume as her. She told me she doesn't think she'll ever be able to look at the pictures without being disgusted by my behavior.

I thought she was exaggerating, but I'm starting to doubt myself. Our conflict has found its way to the mom group chat we're both in, and opinions over there are divided. Some think having two girls wear the same costume is no big deal, others think I should have changed my daughter's clothes.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top responses:

approgrti writes:

This is a toughie. I'm gonna say ESH. The birthday mom is an entitled weirdo obsessed with appearance and self-promotion. She is delusional to think people should change their outfits.

However, you were a guest at this monster's house and she asked you to do something. You could have checked sincerely if the costume was really affecting her that much and, if it was, and if changing your daughter was no big deal, you could have done it.

Perhaps she didn't make clear what a big deal it was, but now that you know, you could say something like, "I had no idea you would feel so strongly about this, I'm sorry you feel so upset." It's not about whether two matching costumes are good or bad. You can have opposite and totally valid opinions on this (my own opinion matches yours - who cares what costumes they wear?).

This is about whether to give in to some idiotic requests for the sake of an easy life. We can all choose to stick to our guns when faced with someone else's bullshit, but we might make life harder by doing so.

agaop writes:

NTA at all. What would she have done if multiple kids came dressed the same as her daughter? Everyone would change? I think the pictures would be worse if everyone was dressed up and your little girl was in her regular clothes.

The birthday girl was happy, it was the mom who had an issue. That's on HER. I'm sorry that she continues to make this a big deal and the mom group is divided.

If it were me, in the group chat I would just say "I'm sorry if my not changing my daughter's clothes upset you but her friend was very happy to have her in thr same dress and my little one was happy and having fun.

I didn't think it would be fair to have my daughter the only one of her friends to not be in costume. It seemed as though all the kids had a great time and the birthday party was a lot of fun.

I really hope we can move past this and not let it affect the kids friendships. In the future, if something like this arises (costumes etc.) let's all communicate if there's a specific costume someone would like to avoid so we don't have multiples"

anaonygbru writes:

NTA - if this was such a big deal, they should have stated that in the birthday invitation and not after the guests had arrived all dressed up. It is extremely inconsoderate and outragous expecting to make a 4 yo accomodate a grown womans feelings

and you did good standing your ground. I'm sure accomadating this womans request would have been devastating for your girl. Don't really get how there are moms in your group siding with this insensitive request.

polagytu writes:

NTA. Odds are there would be duplication among the costumes especially if the girls were sticking with Disney princesses. If the mother brought her daughter an Aurora costume with the idea that her daughter would be the only Sleeping Beauty...

that could have been expressed on the invite, as in "I hope your princess can join my Aurora for her costume birthday party." And then the invite can show various princesses other than Aurora on it. That would at least be a hint that the parent will look at other costumes. Even then, there could be some girls who want to be Aurora.

It sounds like the birthday girl didn't mind her "twin," so the mother should have just accepted it. I also think if the actual Aurora had changed to shorts, the birthday girl would have been wondering why and maybe even get mad at her mother if she finds out that her mother forced the changed. (wouldn't that ruin the photo if all but one girl is dressed up?)

sweetsmi writes:

NTA I mean there are only so many Disney princesses around and Sleeping Beauty is a pretty popular one costume wise. If this mom had not wanted others dressed like her daughter she should have either said that on the invite or picked a non Disney princess costume for her own kid.

Did she not see Halloween where at least half the girls your kids ages were dressed as a Disney Princess? Plus the birthday girl loved that her friend was dressed like her.

I’m not sure what mom was thinking inviting a little girl named Aurora then getting mad when said girl dresses like Aurora from Sleeping Beauty.

Her poor planning is not your fault. If she had a spare Elsa costume or something your kid could wear for the photos then that would be different but having a kid not in costume while everyone else was in costume would look worse in photos in my opinion.

feba writes:

My 4 y/o daughter and her best friend both audibled into the same Halloween costume this year after 2 months of saying they would be going as something else. They had the most fun trick-or-treating as twins and were talking about it all night.

If the birthday girl is happy, that should be all that matters to the mom. I can kind of ALMOST understand being a little unhappy particularly if your daughter's costume is 'better' and being worried that the b-day girl will be unhappy in short order, but that's like stretching it.

NTA, doesn't seem like you handled it in an AH way - but I can also kind of understand some lingering emotions from the other mom if she was ganged up on at the party by all the other parents depending on how it went down. She's kind of a loon, for sure, but there are behaviors that while I don't agree with I can understand where they are coming from (mostly insecurity.)

Update 1:

"If the birthday girl was upset, I would have changed my daughter. I might have even driven home, changed her into her Merida dress (her second favorite) and then back to the party. But that's not what happened, and both were really excited."

The other princesses/were there duplicates:

"There were only two Auroras (my daughter and the birthday girl). Besides them, there were (I think) three Elsas, three Ariels, two Jasmines and two Belles. There were also some princesses that only "appeared" once.

EDIT: I checked the group photo (BG's mom sent it to the group chat). There were 20 girls:

• 3 Elsas (one was from the second movie), Ariels (two were live-action Ariels) and Belles (hadn't seen one of them at the party);

• 2 Auroras (my daughter and BG), Jasmines and Cinderellas;

• 1 Snow White, Tiana, Moana and Anna (the latter being the toddler sister of one of the Elsas).

Of these 20 girls, I only knew 12 (the ones who go to school with my daughter and the toddler). I'm assuming the other 8 were friends from out of school or related to the birthday girl.

I also forgot to point out that the party wasn't held at the birthday girl's house. It was one of those kids party venues."

FIL's name: "I thought someone was going to ask that.

Our family is Brazilian. In some regions of Brazil, the names given to people born before the 50s are... not exactly common anymore."

Update 2:

Hey everyone! Thank you for assuring me that I did the right thing. This might get a little long.

Since my post on Thursday (two days after the mom group started debating), three things happened:

1- On Friday, my husband went to pick up the kids. The parents of one of my son's friends (who have a younger son in my daughter's class) asked if he knew about the costume fiasco (or as my friends are calling it, "AuroraGate").

I had told him everything. He said the birthday girl's mother was being ridiculous, as I had no idea what her daughter's costume would be. The mom he was talking to asked, "Wait, she didn't know?"

She called me, and I told her my side. Turns out BG's mom told people that I had been informed about the costume (and to avoid dressing Aurora the same) weeks prior to the party. The story was warped before it even got to the group chat.

My side of the story made it to the group chat. After some pressure, BG's mom eventually confessed she'd lied about me. Most of the other moms had apologized to me by Sunday.

2- Also apologizing to us on Sunday were BG's father and maternal grandmother (she's visiting them for a few weeks).

Apparently, BG's mom had been complaining about the party almost daily.

Since they got the photos back, BG's mom has been insisting that "there isn't a single good picture of her daughter without another girl wearing the same costume" (Aurora and BG were playing together most of the party).

She was especially upset about the group photo, which shows BG in the center and my daughter to her right. There are two girls between them, but she still thinks they're too close to each other.

BG's dad had been listening to these complaints since the party. He told us that unless his daughter was in the room, he couldn't look at the pictures without his wife making a comment about me, my daughter or how we "ruined BG's birthday."

It came to a head on Saturday. While talking with the grandmother after BG went to bed, the mother said she no longer wanted to make a photo album of the party. They'd gotten a photographer for both album and social media purposes.

Both BG's dad and her grandmother wanted the album. The three had a fight that lasted about 15 minutes before the grandmother told BG's mom to "stop obsessing over her daughter's friend". She said all that matters is that BG had fun, and all of the photos reflect that.

They told us all that when they called to apologize. They wanted BG's mom to apologize too. She hasn't.

3- Aurora came home from school yesterday wearing a headband with her name and a rose embroidered on it. BG had her grandmother make it for her.

Me and my husband are still in contact with the birthday girl's father, and we're trying to set up a playdate for the girls next week.

Also, there are some things I want to clarify about my previous post:

• My daughter and the birthday girl aren't physically similar. Aurora has wavy brown hair, BG has straight blonde hair. We're all caucasian, but my daughter is more tan.

• Their dresses weren't the exact same. I posted the links to my daughter's costume and one that's similar to the birthday girl's dress in a comment on my last post.

• The party was held at a kids party venue, not the birthday girl's place.

• There were 19 girls and a toddler at the party. All were in costume.

• There were a few boys, but they were older (I'm guessing they were related to the birthday girl).

• I was never friends with the birthday girl's mom. Her request at the party was probably the third time we ever talked, and the first that wasn't about the weather.

• The birthday girl's mother didn't want me to change my daughter's clothes just for the group photo at the end, she wanted me to change her 30 minutes into the party for ALL the pictures.

• I mentioned in a comment that if the birthday girl had a problem with my daughter's costume, I might be willing to drive home, change Aurora into her Merida dress (her second favorite) and then return to the party.

• But I want to stress I'd only do that if the birthday girl was upset when we got to the party, not if her mother was annoyed half an hour later. By then, my daughter was already playing with BG and her friends.

• To those who said I could change Aurora at the party and/or use this as a teaching moment, I'm going to assume you've never met a 4yo.

• My daughter is kind-hearted and would definitely do it to make her friend happy, but she'd still view this as punishment. It's also cruel to take a child away from a party and tell them they can no longer play princess with their friends. I refuse to alienate or upset my daughter when she's done nothing wrong. I absolutely don't regret my decision.

FYI It's not completely uncommon at my kids' school for moms to hire photographers (though most do it for photo albums). I never did so for any of my children's parties, though. We made scrapbooks for some of their birthdays with pictures taken by those who attended (and us, of course)."

She was wearing a tiara, actually. It fell off during the party, but she put it back on for the group photo.