Mom refuses to 'chauffeur' teenagers to their dad's house, 'it's his responsibility.' AITA?

"AITA for refusing to taxi my children to see their Dad?"

My children are teenagers. Their Dad doesn’t drive, he has no license. Today is his day to have them, and he expects them dropped off at his house (a 20 minute drive away, around 8 miles).

He owes child maintenance money which he is withholding. Is messaging me constant abuse calling me a “money grabbing B", and other vile words, even though it’s not me who has asked him for more money, it was determined by The Child Maintenance Service.

He says that by me not chauffeuring them around, I’m stopping him seeing them. I’ve said he is welcome to come and pick them up, his new partner has a car.

I’d never refuse him access, but I will no longer drive them to him, surely it’s his responsibility to come and get them? So, AITA, because he makes me feel like one. Thanks.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

ElizaPickle said:

NTA for not taking on 100% of the transport responsibility, presumably he is managing to get around elsewhere without a car or your help so there is no reason he cannot work out picking up his kids.

Having said this, if your sole reason for not driving them is because he is being a nasty bastard and doesn’t deserve your help and not because it is an inconvenience/added expense for you then please also consider your kids before making this stance.

How will they feel if they don’t get to go? Is there any way you could speak to him and the kids about the fact that you need to scale back and eventually stop taking on the transport responsibilities for both parents, thus giving him (and showing the kids that you are giving him) ample time to come up with alternative arrangements?

_throwaway_wifey_ said:

I have six children with my ex-husband, and in the decade we’ve been apart, I have not one day, not one time, transported them to him for his visitation time.

No court has ordered it, no court has encouraged it, and in fact, he was court ordered to buy a vehicle big enough to manage transportation all by his grown up self.

The responsibility for his visitation has been laid solely on him, and he has waived it PLENTY of times by not showing up. The eventual distance he created by his absence is his fault, not mine.

Additionally, we are court-ordered to communicate solely through a co-parenting app called “Our Family Wizard” to prevent similar vitriol coming from him to me. Something similar might be helpful for you. Hang in there. NTA.

warclonex said:

NTA. Responsibility is 50/50 and access is not the same as transportation. For example...I have "access" to a 24/7 gym, but its my responsibility to get off my lazy a%s over there...

The father has access to his kids on the given days...OP is not locking them up and denying him that...he just has to put in the effort to get off his lazy a#s to get them.

Scottish_squirrel said:

NTA. Your kids are teenagers. Your ex is an adult. This is a good time for them all to learn some independence. You're not an unpaid taxi for anyone, kids included. He steps up. Pays his share and makes the effort to see his kids. If not, I'd be pursuing whoever deals with this and notifying them of everything.

aItereg0 said:

NTA. He's a lazy ass and resorts to abuse when you dont cater to him. No surprise at all that he's an ex. I bet this attitude extended to plenty of other things while you were together. Your kids are probably better off not spending too much time with him anyway.

Jainuinelydone said:

NTA, not even a little bit. HOWEVER, you are being an AH to yourself by allowing this waste of a human being to belittle you this way. Switch to a court mediated app for communication, ask for mediation if necessary, and try and see if pro bono lawyers are willing to draft a notice for the pending child support payment. He cannot treat you this way.