Mom refuses to punish daughters for inviting grandparents to picnic, 'my siblings are doubling down.' AITA?
"AITA for not punishing my daughters for inviting their grandparents to a family picnic against others' wishes?"
I (34f) have four older siblings: M(41f), L(39m), K(37f), and D(36m). About a year and a half ago, M, L, and D went pretty much no contact with our parents and K went low contact over our parents favoring my daughters out of all the grandchildren and according to them, favoring me as well when we were growing up.
I knew my parents would give my kids lots of extras and offer me help with gifts when we didn't need it without doing the same for the others and at the time I had the view that what they did with their money or paid attention to wasn't any of my business. I couldn't help if they favored me growing up or my children now.
My mother went from calling me to just talk or hang out to needing me or my husband to run errands for them constantly. Go over to their house to help them, take our father to his medical appointments, asked my husband to do maintenance around their house and yard.
Things M and L primarily did for them. I understood how it would make them upset to do all of that for them just for our parents to give my daughters extra money, skip other events for my daughters' activities, help me with gifts when we make more than any of my siblings...I got it. That was pretty wrong of our parents so I apologized to my siblings.
My daughters (15 and 13) know that their grandparents are having some issues with their aunts and uncles but they don't know the exact reason why. I thought it would be harmful to them to tell. They're the only ones that visit their grandparents and they know their grandparents don't show up to functions at the others' houses.
Over the weekend M hosted a picnic. It was at a public park you can rent pavilions. To make a long story short, our parents showed up. M asked what they were doing there and they said my daughters invited them. I asked my girls about it and they said since it was at a park it should be fine.
No one made a scene but afterwards M and L asked me what I planned to do about it since my daughters broke everyone else’s boundaries. I said I wasn’t going to do anything because I do think the girls have a point- it was at a public park and I won’t punish them for wanting to see their grandparents. My siblings are pretty much doubling down that they shouldn’t have been invited and they’re aren’t talking to me as much since I’m not addressing it. AITA for not punishing my daughters?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
AgnarCrackenhammer said:
YTA. From your story here your parents sound like they utterly failed in their responsibilities to all their children. By your own admission your parents have been awful to your siblings and their children. They are totally justified in wanting nothing to do with them.
You are failing your daughters. Big time. You are raising them to be entitled and not face consequences for their actions. M was hosting the picnic. M decided the guest list. M decided your parents weren't invited. Your daughters decided that didn't matter and they wanted what they wanted so they went out and got that. That is wrong. It wasn't their picnic, they had no right to invite anyone without permission.
ProfessorYaffle1 said:
Well, quite apart from the situation with your family, this was Ms event, she was the host, and its always rude to invite people to someone else's event. It's also really rude and inappropriate to deliberately invite people you know aren't welcome. And your daughters clearly knew that they were doing something wrong, or they wouldn't have gone behind everyone's backs.
So yeah, YTA. You wouldn't be punish them for wanting to see their grandparents, you would be punishing them for being rude, selfish and sneaky. They owe their aunts an apology and as their parent its your responsibility to make sure they understand why what they did was wrong. Also, your parents are massive AH, they should not have accepted thr invitation without checking with you.
Apart-Ad-6518 said:
YTA. "It was at a park it should be fine." No. They're also old enough to know that. "I couldn't help if they favored me growing up or my children now." You can enforce boundaries though. You chose not to do that. Or respect those of others even when it sounds like they've got good reason to impose them. "I won’t punish them for wanting to see their grandparents." They can do that without it being at the expense of people who don't want to see their parents. Stop colluding with bad behavior.
BulbasaurRanch said:
YTA. “It’s a public park." what a pathetically weak excuse. I don’t think you even believe it yourself, you just don’t want to actually have to deal with your daughters behavior. Your parents were not invited by the hosts. Regardless of the venue, guests don’t have invite privileges, especially children with a lack of judgement.
BringBackRoundhouse said:
YTA you’re being intentionally obtuse - you KNOW it’s not about public access rights. You’re reverting back to your golden child ways. Your daughters are teenagers they will find out from their cousins eventually. And everyone will have every right to shun you and your daughters for this if you all don’t apologize.
Big_Zucchini_9800 said:
YTA yes. You didn't believe your siblings about the favoritism and how harmful it was until you were forced to pick up the slack when they left. You didn't tell your daughters--who are old enough for this!--so they picked up right where you left off, enjoying the attention and not gaf who else was hurt by it.
They went behind your back to do this when they knew it would upset their aunts and uncles and cousins, and you just shrugged. This is an opportunity for parenting: you can teach your kids about boundaries, respect, treating people equally, and show them that if you treat people badly they may go NC, as is their right. You will be VERY LUCKY if your siblings don't go NC with you and your kids over this.
Start groveling now and maybe you can save your familial relationships. If you stand up to your parents alongside your siblings you might even be able to get through to them and change their behavior. If you cared about your siblings I would think you'd already have done that, honestly. But you've been laissez-faire about the whole situation as though you aren't at the heart of the issue. YTA.