Mom REFUSES to get daughter with social anxiety a service dog; 'After what she did, I'm making her get a JOB instead.' AITA? UPDATED 3X

When this mom is freaked out by her daughter's behavior, she asks the internet:

"AITAH for refusing to get my daughter with severe social anxiety a service dog and forcing her to get a part time job after what she did?"

Alright the title is long winded I know, but hear me out. My (45f) daughter (15f) suffers from severe social anxiety. It is incredibly crippling and has prevented her from many extra curriculars and even her education over the years.

I left my job five years ago to start homeschooling her and have since put her in therapy. The therapist and I have been working on getting her into school more and more for the past year and a half.

This is all to say - I am not trying to shame my daughter for her social anxiety at all. It is a debilitating thing to live with and I can see that first hand.

Last month the therapist recommended getting a service dog for my daughter in order to be able to help her navigate public settings better. Despite thinking this was a huge responsibility, I did see the excitement on my daughter's face.

She really wanted a dog and seemed determined to continue her progress with the help of an animal. I was initially on board with this and started the necessary research required.

However, a few weeks ago I left my daughter with my sister in law for a few days because my mother was sick and I needed to visit her a few hours away and my husband was on a work trip.

The plan was for my SIL to continue her homeschooling for as many hours as she could manage but instead I got a call from her two days in demanding I take my daughter back home.

I came to find out that my sister in law had to leave the house for a few hours and asked my daughter take care of her senior dog. This dog is very old and small. She was adopted just over a year ago so she's still a bit weary of people.

My daughter, in an attempt to recreate some stupid online video, took this senior dog to the roof of the house and left her there. The poor thing was so scared she sh& herself on the roof, shaking, while my daughter filmed.

Of course this didn't go to plan and the dog ended up falling off the roof and into the swimming pool out of sheer luck. However, due to her age and size the dog ended up breaking a few ribs and her paw.\

When I heard this I was absolutely livid. I confronted my daughter immediately and she admitted to wanting to recreate a video she saw online. She then proceeded to use a defense that went along the lines of "that dog is old. If it were younger than nothing would have happened."

She also mentioned how she didn't really think what she did was that bad because it's an unloved shelter dog with no real "value" like a service dog or new born puppy. I was very upset to hear these words coming out of my daughter's mouth. I have no idea where she learned this from considering neither me or my husband share these beliefs.

I instantly told my daughter that she would not be getting a service dog. I also told her that she would have to pay her aunt's vet bill no matter what it took. Because the bill is in the thousands, she will have to find a way to make that money.

My daughter got upset and said I was being unfair because she can't get a job due to her social anxiety but I told her she should have thought about that before doing what she did.

My daughter has since then been attempting to search for a part time job that requires minimal face to face interaction. Despite me and my husband helping her she was only able to find a waitress job.

I asked my sister in law if she was okay with my daughter working the vet bill off instead but she refused saying she really had no interest in having my daughter anywhere near her house or dog again and I honestly thought that was fair enough so I told my daughter she had to find a way to stick with this because that vet bill was her responsibility only.

My husband told me I might be an AH for suggesting our daughter pay off the entire bill and that we should probably just restrict her pocket money until the bill is paid off.

I think that's not a good enough punishment because her pocket money isn't earned it's what me and my husband give her for "free time" at the start of the week. Also this bill is entirely her fault and therefore her responsibility. It's unfortunate that the only jobs available are in customer service but what else can we do?

My daughter's therapist also reached out saying she thinks it was wrong of me to completely take the service dog idea off the table considering it is a medical necessity as well as pointing out that suddenly forcing my daughter into an unfamiliar job may be a bit too daunting.

Are my husband and my daughters therapist right? Am I being too harsh on my daughter? AITAH?

Before OP's updates, let's take a look at some top comments & responses from OP:

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Honestly your daughter kind of sounds like she has sociopathic tendencies. I guess you could have social anxiety and be a sociopath, but eh.

OOP: I've seen sociopathic tendencies being thrown out quite a bit in the comments and honestly this is the first outlandish thing she has ever done. She does like recreating funny videos she sees - though she's never had the courage to post them and usually she'll ask either of us before she does it. However the comments have also told me that it is time for a psychiatrist which I think I agree with.

Commenter: [...] I think at this point a new therapist is indicated. Unless the therapist is unaware of the extreme severity of this incident, they are behaving in an unethical way. On top of that, clearly your daughter's mental health issues are poorly managed.

OOP: This has been mentioned a lot in other comments. I do think that in hindsight there definitely could have been an issue of miscommunication at the hands of my daughter. I've decided to switch therapists anyway purely because this push for a service dog seems a bit unhanded considering the situation and we need a therapist who can handle my daughter better.

Commenter: by miscommunication I am suddenly thinking your daughter lied to her therapist regarding the severity of what she did. Did you speak personally to the therapist regarding what she did to the dog? Because maybe the therapist was misinformed regarding what happened...

OOP: I think this may be the case yes. Other comments have mentioned this so I have decided to take this to another therapist who isn't working so closely with us and explain the story myself. She will also be working with a psychiatrist soon

Commenter: Not an expert but I’ve generally found that people with social anxiety tend to be more empathetic especially towards animals, which is why I find this girls behavior so bizarre.

OOP: (downvoted) Honestly, she's usually very nice to this dog when she comes over the visit which is why my aunt had no issue leaving her with him. I can honestly only say that I think this is a silly video that got out of hand and she's attempting to displace the responsibility to get out of having a job. I hope this isn't a reaction out of lack of empathy but rather just lack of responsibility.

Commenter: Definitely bigger issues than social anxiety. And I'm shaking my head at how that issue was handled. Anxiety gets worse with avoidance. Meds and therapy should have been utilized before homeschooling.

Once you basically avoid all socialization it only gets harder and harder to get back to it. It also sounds like the therapist mentioned the service dog to the daughter first. The parents should have been consulted first since they need to be ok with a living creature they are responsible for joining their family.

OOP: By the age of 9 my daughter had social anxiety so bad the school consistently called us in to pick her up because she had a panic attack. Once she even peed herself in public (she was quite young though).

Homeschooling was started at the suggestion of the school guidance counselor, her therapist and the school principal.

And yes the therapist did mention the service dog to my daughter first. I will be having a conversation about this because I don't think it's right to base therapy around the possibility of adding a dog into the mix, especially now.

Update 1:

It is not my decision to tell the police and I won't stand in the way of my SIL if she chooses to do so. As for the payment, my husband has already suggested just paying the money back. If the payments are slow then yes I will pay my SIL back and then direct my daughter's paychecks elsewhere.

However I do think this is ultimately a decision my SIL should make on how the money should be handled and so far she hasn't made any objections to my daughter paying it directly to her. As for the psychiatric evaluation - I already agree that this might be needed after this situation.

Commenter: A psychiatric evaluation “MIGHT” be needed? My not the AH comment is slowly changing after reading with your comments.

OOP: I'm absolutely heartbroken reading these comments yes - but I'm not attempting to diminish the situation. Something absolutely needs to be done yes. When I say the word "might" I am not implying that nothing should be done about this - I am instead wondering if psychiatric evaluation is a far enough or if she should be put in a facility straight away where they'll evaluate her and she'll live for some time.

Commenter: She’s been homeschooled for 5 years due to mental health, but she hasn’t seen a psychiatrist? Are you serious?

OOP: She's been to a range of psychologists all of whom have come to the same conclusion of severe anxiety. No one has referred us to a psychiatrist, we have just been told to use therapy treatment and anxiety medication (Editor's note- this has caused some confusion, but general practitioners or family doctors can prescribe anxiety medication in some places, including the US.)

Commenter: No, you utter idiot!! Why the f are you punishing your SIL by making her wait potentially years to be paid back the thousands? If I were your SIL and considering going to the police, the fact that YOU haven’t paid me means I’m running to the police!!

OOP: I'm not attempting to punish my sister in law at all. This is something I have discussed with her and she says she would like the money in hand from my daughter with an apology with every single pay check. I have not asked my SIL to forgive my daughter and wouldn't ever do so.

Update 2 (with comments and responses from OP):

Comments on a cross-post the next day:

OOP: Hey, I'm OOP. I didn't expect this to get cross posted but you're right. I didn't explain the full story to the therapist. However, after reading so many comments on the original post I made and after my last conversation with said therapist I'm definitely finding a new one. The new therapist will know the story from me first. I will also be looking for psychiatric help for my daughter

Commenter: OK, so this is genuinely horrifying, and I feel like you aren't horrified enough. [...]

OOP: Aren't horrified enough? Are you kidding?I didn't come to Reddit to slander my daughter. I'm not going to sit here and talk about all the ways I think she's a horrible human for what she's done just so people think I'm "horrified enough".

Yes I am terrified that this is something she cannot come back from because of her lack of remorse. I am angry upset and disappointed. All my other comments have indicated to agreeing with her having bigger problems than just social anxiety. Yes more steps for her mental well being will be taken, not just the punishment. I'm just trying my best given the situation.

Commenter: Do you think she has just been manipulating you and maybe her anxiety is really just no compassion or empathy and she just doesn't want to deal with the real world because you coddle her so much.

OOP: What a diagnosis to make, thank you. While this is worrying I'm not ready to dismiss the last six years of work we have all put into her well being. What I am going to do is take her to a psychiatrist who will be the judge of this because, like everyone here, I suspect this goes deeper than just anxiety.

As for the "coddling" which is a comment I've seen a lot on here - I'd like to see you raise a child with severe social anxiety. We took her to multiple psychologists, all of whom suggested therapy and anxiety medication. That's it. Homeschooling was done at the recommendation of the school guidance counselor, principal and therapists who said it may be for the best for now.

in what way have I shown that I don't discipline my daughter? That I coddle her? Has anything in these comments been an attempt for me to defend her actions? Having never raised a child with severe mental illness I'm navigating this the best I can, but yes, thank you for your judgement that I coddle her. Thank you for being there for the past 15 years of her life so you know everything about how I've been trying to raise her.

Someone who had severe social anxiety tells OOP that she just needs to force her daughter into uncomfortable situations and by not doing so she is coddling her:

OOP: What makes you think we aren't trying to put her into uncomfortable situations? My original post says we're working into getting her into school. The plan was to have her in college full time. I also didn't raise her to be an animal abuser.

Also, I'm getting a bit tired of people comparing mental health issues - that will never be okay. I'm glad that worked for you. My daughter was practically born with severe social anxiety. By the age of eight she was peeing herself at school almost every day.

She was crying, vomiting. We were getting phoned in by teachers almost every day. I'm sorry for what you experienced but it's nowhere near the same for a little girl, was I supposed to get her a job at the age of 10?

We tried forcing her into school, we tried just a few days a week, we tried leaving her at school and refusing to pick her up when she pissed or vomited and just sent her with spare clothes. This went on for four years. It didn't work. You have no idea how hard this has been.

My original post literally says I will make her work whatever job she gets which is a waitress job in this case - I am not coddling her.

MAJOR UPDATE 3:

Okay first off, I would like to say that although I was warned Reddit was absolutely brutal, you guys did not hold back. Shout out to the person who DM'ed me to tell me to kill myself and my family. I would like everyone to know that I read almost every single comment - even if I didn't reply to all of them.

Also to clarify - when I said a service animal I was told that we would be able to get one to alert my daughter of panic attacks and help calm her down. However after now speaking to other resources, we were explained that what the therapist was talking about was an ESA (editor's note- emotional support animal). Apologies for any confusion - this is new to me.

And yes, where we live in America, psychologists can prescribe simple anxiety meds.

And also yes, I obviously took away my daughter's phone and laptop after this. She's only allowed what she needs to complete her studies.

Onto the update: there was also a lot of helpful advice and support so I do feel like I owe you guys an update.

My and my husband have been fighting for weeks now on how to handle this. We did end up taking her to a psychiatrist and she was diagnosed severe social anxiety (as before) and also Bipolar.

We were told that the reason she wasn't diagnosed earlier is because she was far too young and this is something that most likely only became visible very recently as she just hit puberty. So no - my daughter is not a sociopath, sorry to disappoint. And yes, we were told to continue homeschooling as it's too late to put her in a school where everyone has already developed their own friendship groups etc etc..

I once again had to leave to care for my sick mother which left my daughter with my husband. Apparently while I was gone my husband thought it was a genius idea to turn up to SIL's house and ask for my daughter to see the dog under supervision.

My SIL didn't agree but was coerced by my husband (this is what I'm assuming because despite what my husband says I don't believe she would have been on board with this). My daughter started crying and apologising claiming she felt so sad seeing the broken senior pup too scared to come close to her.

My husband has since decided that in light of this, my daughter deserves her ESA. I completely disagree with this stance and believe that she needs more support, therapy and a large range of resources not limited to an animal. Even if my daughter is genuinely sorry, this isn't a mistake that can be easily forgiven in a month.

I still think we should be pushing her to continue a part time job - something she's been beginning to do. She's been sent home from the restaurant a few times already for panic attacks and has even complained to vomiting during her breaks.

I told her she's welcome to search for other jobs she might find easier, which she has started to do, although it's been almost three weeks of working and I have asked her to do this a minimum of two months before quitting and finding something else. She's also not allowed to quit unless she comes to me with a different plan to pay the money back.

My husband told me he has started the application process for an ESA. ETA: By application I mean he has contacted the local shelters and started filling out their application process.

I was very angry and asked him to stop but he argued that he thinks he should take over her care from now and quit his job while I worked instead. I disagree because I'm the one who has been handling it for six years but apparently I don't truly understand just how "sorry" she is now.

In light of this I contacted my SIL and told her that I think it would be best she file a police report. I do want this on record because as many of you said, they won't give my daughter an animal if they find out about this. She agreed and did file a report - which was totally heartbreaking for me. It really hurts to have to do something like this to my daughter.

My husband did find out and we've now been arguing for days. He's incredibly angry but I'm attempting to stick with this. I'm not sure how the next few weeks will pan out but I will say that I'm incredibly worried for the future.

I have no idea what to do or how to get my husband to see my side. This is very concerning but, thank you for listening Reddit. And for those of you who gave advice and support, I really really appreciate it.