Mom refuses to pay child's step-mother to 'babysit,' 'I am a jealous ex.' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to pay my child’s step mother to 'babysit' them?"
Okay so before I start, I should say that my son is 5 - and only in the past 3-6 months has the father and his partner been consistent in his life. Anyway - my son’s father sees him for two nights every fortnight. He picks him up late Friday night and drops him off early Sunday morning every two weeks.
Now when he first started being consistent, I would offer money to make sure my son was fed and safe. I only did this because for the last 5 years he would give excuses of “I have no money to feed him” or “I have no petrol." My son adores his dad, so I offered the money so that he had no excuse not to spend time with our son.
After about the third time of being consistent, his dad said “you don’t need to offer me money anymore, I’m working full time and want to step up more." I didn’t ask for child support, I never have. Everything my son has, all his toys, all his clothes, all his school stuff, every experience his had - I have paid for and I am proud of that fact. Fast forward to a month ago and I received a message from my son’s step mum.
(They aren’t married but have been together for three years, have a child together and are engaged so it’s easier to describe her as step mum). The message had said that it isn’t financially fair on them to have to pay for things my son wants when with them.
She has asked for $100 a night - so $200 a fortnight; to pay for his food, clothes, anywhere they go and any toys he wants when with them. I responded with, “if he wants a toy when with you, either you or his father can message me and I will happily transfer the money to one of you - as long as the toy comes home with him."
She said it was “irresponsible parenting” on my behalf for not wanting my son to have nice clothes and toys when at his dad’s house and that anything bought with them should stay with them. I agreed and said anything THEY buy for him, should stay. She then made a big deal and posted on social media about how I’m a bad mother and refuse to take financial responsibility for my son.
I screenshot it and sent it to his father, and explained the situation to him. He apologized and said he had no idea. She then messaged me accusing me of trying to break up their relationship because I am a jealous ex and that she doesn’t think it’s right that she should have to “babysit” my child for free.
I said that’s fine, if my son isn’t seen as part of your family and is just a child being babysat - then maybe the custody situation should be revised. I know it’s harsh because I don’t blame my son’s dad, I’m just at such a loss and feel like a major ahole. Am I the ahole????
Later, OP edited the post to include:
Thank you to the helpful comments, I didn’t put it into perspective of asking for child support as a way of advocating for my son’s rights. I will be speaking to my social worker and asking for child support that will be put into a bank account for my son. Thank you!
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
westwestmoreland said:
NTA. But seriously… go for child support. You’re letting down your son by not holding his father to account for part of his upbringing, and that money is for your son, not you. You need to step up and advocate for him so you have the appropriate resources to give him the upbringing he deserves.
Existing_Fox_6317 said:
NTA. It’s dad’s responsibility to manage this situation. She never should have even reached out to you. All communication and financial arrangements regarding your son should only be between you and his dad and if he ends up leaving stepmom for acting like a teenager, that’s on her for acting like a teenager. If I were in your shoes, I’d tell her to knock it off or you’re filing for child support wage garnishment.
AngelDevil74 said:
NTA. Step mum is very much in the wrong here, seeing how the father did not know any of this was going on. After letting him know how his partner views his child ("as simply someone else's kid being babysat").
It is now up to him to discuss it with the step mum and proceed according to his priorities. If he fails to stand up for your son, then revision of the custody set up would be the reasonable next step.
RumTumTugger90 said:
NTA. She wants the custody revised. It sounds to me like she is bothered by her husband spending time with your son. She is picking a fight to try to make YOU the bad guy and make YOU the reason that your son can't come around anymore. I hope your ex keeps stepping up and steps on this step-mom's overstepping!
FairyCompetent said:
ESH. You're short sighted to be "proud" of neglecting to collect child support. That money is owed to your child from his father. What good reason could you have to allow this?
thegaming_ppotato said:
NTA. She’s trying to guilt trip you into paying child support. I think you should have a discussion with your ex about this situation.