Mom shares parenting saga; 'My children are obese and my husband is sabotaging my efforts to fix it.' UPDATED

"My kids are obese and my husband is sabotaging my efforts to fix it"

My husband (37M) and I (35F) have been married for 15.5 years and have 2 wonderful kids, 12M and 8F. They are smart and funny and sweet, and are loved more than words could ever describe. But over the past few years, they have both gained an alarming amount of weight, and are considered obese.

I was "the fat kid", bullied relentlessly, and later developed a horrific ED that ended in an involuntary hospitalization (all before we had kids, neither of them know anything about that), so I'm def aware of how damaging words can be for them and have tried to low key push healthy habits and proper portions most of their lives.

My husband has always had a fast metabolism and been able to eat whatever, and was extremely food insecure as a child and I know that affected him immensely. He has always hated healthier stuff, calling it "rabbit food"

He likes cheese and butter and high fat everything, and bc he works a physical job he is able to eat massive amounts without consequences. I work a lot myself, so I don't have time to make 2 diff dinners - and making them eat something different than us just seems like it would potentially be mentally damaging.

Everytime I suggest he make something for himself while I make something for the kids and I, he gets really mad about it. Like almost defensive, but mostly just acting like it's the most ridiculous and unnecessary idea to ever be conceived. And I don't want to fight with him bc that isn't good for the kids to hear either.

Recently, our kids opened up about being bullied for their weight, and ive noticed a decrease in their physical stamina, so I ramped up my healthy eating efforts... but my husband made a huge deal about healthier eating (in front of the kids, very loudly) and refused, and gets upset when I don't make the stuff he likes.

Not wanting my kids to catch on that weight loss is the goal, and make their body image worse, I focused on portion control. When they asked about the change, i said i was worried about their cholesterol and blood pressure so we were practicing healthy habits (kind of lame, i know, but i didnt know what else to say).

But he always asks them if they want seconds, adds bacon bits and shredded cheese to their plates after I fix them, etc. He says they just need to be more active... while I agree, it's almost impossible to work off a bad diet and he doesn't always enforce the activity thing anyway.

We have made some incremental changes with activity though, which I proud of - but it's still a work in progress. I have tried to talk to him about my concerns for their health, but he is so deep in denial - he says it's just "baby fat" and they'll "grow out of it", and sometimes suggests my ED must be clouding my perception a bit. NGL, that really hurt my feelings... a lot.

I just don't know what to do, I want them to be healthy and happy and not have to go through what I did with the ED - or all the bullying that came with being big before the ED took hold. But I don't want them to have a hard time with their peers, or develop health problems from being overweight either.... I feel like he's actively trying to work against me, and it sucks.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

sylvest writes:

He's drawing his line in the sand; you see this a lot with murderers, serial killers, and family annihilators. While I'm by no means saying that the husband will end up this way, it's something to be wary of.

People who think of murder think about it so often, that simply saying "I'll kill you" is nothing to them. And if they vocalize a line that cannot be crossed to their partner, it gives them excuse to harm them later on. "Well, I warned her and she didn't listen. It was her own fault that happened to her."

finaga writes:

Your husband and you need to sit down with a therapist, heck even a dietician, to go through why you both have your own issues with food and how unhealthy it is to bring those issues into your kids lives.

Healthy food should not be viewed as a threat to your husband, which he is acting like. Your kids are paying the price from him not moving on with his life. When he says ‘they need to be more active’ sure, but what does he then do to encourage that or do active things with them? He’s all talk and no walk.

OP replies:

I would love the opportunity, I was in therapy for the ED for the first 6 years of recovery and asked him to participate at various points (not just for this, he had a horror film-worthy childhood and I think he would benefit in general), but it's always met with a pretty adamant "nope".

It sucks extra since he is generally a good father, and I know he prob is just getting defensive about the whole thing. I have set my son up with a counselor at school, but I'm still working on setting it up for our daughter. I hadn't thought about getting back into therapy myself, but I guess it couldn't hurt.

leastsdesng writes:

May he have a ED himself ? Like, what's his relation to food as a kid and teenager ? Because it feels like he wants to protect himself from something by forcing you all to get same shitty food as him.

Either he's afraid to lose control over food by letting you chose it, or to lose control over you 3 by letting you chose the food. He's killing them and needs to get that his relation to food will never come before his kids' physical and mental health.

Don't work on this alone. If you do it, it's just gonna be your opinion VS his opinion. He needs to understand that his bullshit isn't legitimate in any shape or form through a third party.

And he should get that he's also putting himself in danger. It's not because he's not gaining weight that he's healthy, it's only one part of the whole possible symptomes. He should quickly get checked to see if he's fine.

chupacabo writes:

And please advocate for your kids and listen to them too! My pediatrician always made me feel so ashamed for being a fat kid, and wanted me to keep a food journal and count calories… I was 10.

I’m 31 now and I still remember how humiliating it felt. I never got around to telling my mom just how bad those visits felt for me, because I knew I was a fat kid.

They did not do any blood work, just BMI and weight checks. Turned out, at 19 I ended up having thyroid cancer and had a lot of issues with weight, menstrual cycles, sleep, etc. for years before getting my thyroid removed.

Food journals or tracking can be very beneficial, but not when you’re making yourself/your child scared of eating food.

beedljoice writes:

Wow. This is so beyond messed up. This is the silent form of child abuse that never really gets talked about. Not only is this gonna effect their mental health, being bullied effects some people for life, but he is also slowly killing your children physically.

Some of the main health issues received as a result from childhood obesity are irreversible, even after you decide you want to change. Childhood weight gained is also the hardest form of weight to get off.

He is knowingly (or maybe he doesn’t but I don’t know how someone could be that blind) setting them up for a laundry list of life issues. You’re going to have to be very stern about the dinner stuff.

Who cares if your husband throws a temper tantrum you gotta put your foot down and start doing this for the sake of your kids. As someone else mentioned there’s only one solution here, you’re gonna have to cook healthier stuff and if he wants more he can get extra helpings himself if he needs calories for his job.

Or he can cook his own meal. Try to get booked with a dietician, try to get them in a sport or activity, express to them the importance of taking care of your body when young etc.

If you want it to change it’s gonna probably have to be through your guidance bc it seems he has zero interest in changing, or at the very least not actively hurting the kids future. It seems you’ve tried to smash it through his head already and he just doesn’t get it so.

viacnt writes:

I had an ED that was influenced by my mom, aunts, and grandma. They were all always talking about dieting and the new things they would try. This left a very bad impression on me. When I was 18, I went from being anorexic to being bulimic. My mom didn't notice the drastic change in my eating habits, but my boss sure did. She gave me the option of getting help or losing my job.

I choose getting help. She assisted me in getting the help I needed, but it was cut short by me being in a car accident that nearly killed me (that's a story for another time). I truly believe that if it wasn't for the accident, I wouldn't be here today.

OP, I was like you. I didn't want my daughters to know. Just be careful with that because it may or may not come out. I wanted to keep it between my husband and I, but one day, (when my oldest was 15, my middle 14 and youngest 12) my mom blurted out that I had an ED when I was younger.

It really has never bothered my oldest or youngest, but my middle has always struggled with self-esteem. When she was 15, she developed an ED. My mom literally put it in her head.

She would always compare her to me. She looks like me, acts like me, so why not cause her to have an ED like she did me./s My mom is a very toxic person. Still to this day, I struggle with my ED. It doesn't help that every time I have a conversation with her, she brings up her weight. I've always limited contact between my mom and my daughters, and they were never left alone with her.

So just be careful. You never know who will blurt it out to them. BTW, your husband is being very childish.

UPDATE:

Thank you everyone for your responses and taking the time to read what I had to say.

You guys have def given me a lot to think about.... I know it sounds kind of dumb, but sometimes it's easy to write stuff off as me just being sensitive about things and it does help to get input from strangers since yall have no motive to lie to me.

While I may not be where I want to be with myself, I continue to work towards being a stronger person and widening my support system & resources so I can hopefully reach my goals one day soon.

I appreciate everyone's honesty and am taking everything you guys said to heart, truly thankful to everyone that engaged with my post and I wish you guys the best.

I was not expecting this level of engagement... It's gonna take a while to get through all these comments, looking forward to hearing what you guys had to say!