Mom tells adult child they can't have expensive LARPing hobby, 'they owe us money.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my adult child that they can't have an expensive hobby?"
For context, I (F45) have 3 adult children (F20, M23, and NB25) with my husband (M46) who all live at home for various reasons. The issue I'm having is with my oldest, "Po." They have been living at home for over a year after having moving in with friends for a while, but the situation turned bad and they needed to come home.
Just as with our other children, they are working (PT hours since the place they work for won't give them FT hours), and we only charge them $100/week for rent. The rent includes all utilities, food, personal supplies, and gas for the car. (Side note: the car is actually mine, but since neither my oldest or youngest have a car, they share my car to get back and forth to work, with occasional help from my DH.)
The only other expenses they have are their portion of the cell phone service (they are under our account), their portion of the car insurance, student loan payments, and their "splurges." (Meaning Spotify, which they split with our youngest, a subscription to XBox Gold, and another subscription to a Playstation service.)
Here's my problem: they enjoy larping (LARP = Live Action Role Play. Think a sort of live action Dungeons and Dragons). However, larping can get expensive (well over $100). They owe us approx $350 in back rent due to us not charging them rent when they weren't working at one point.
Now, I enjoy larping, as well, and plan on going to next month's event. They starting talking about how they're looking forward to the event and how they'll just ride with us plus everything they're planning on doing. This doesn't sit well with me since they owe us money and would be losing money from not working an entire weekend when they don't even work every day of the week.
I want to tell them that they can't go for these reasons, but I know there will a lot of backlash, plus they might end up going anyway since they have friends who are going and would give them a ride.
We already have somewhat of a strained relationship and that they rarely talk to me unless it's about themselves. They tend to either shut down or explode at me if I say anything that comes across at all criticizing.
I have told them them that they can't go and that I will put restrictions on them (like not allowing them out of the house, even to see their friends, except for work and medical appointments; I've already banned them from using the car for anything other than those)? So, AITA for putting my foot down and saying they can't go and there would be repercussions if they do?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
applebum8807 said:
YTA. “I have told them that they can’t go and that I will put restrictions on them (like not allowing them out of the house, even to see their friends, except for work and medical appointments; I’ve already banned them from using the car for anything other than those)”
They might be under your roof but you absolutely CANNOT prevent them from leaving the house. They are an adult and some things you simply don’t have a say in whether they live with you or not. That’s controlling as hell.
Wanna ban them from the using your car? Fine. Don’t want to take them to your LARP thing? Cool. You can’t keep them locked up in your house though. You were mostly reasonable up until this point. Either stop them from using your car or give them X days to pay you back on rent or they need to live somewhere else.
StripedBadger said:
YTA. Their money is theirs to do what they wish with. You chose the rent you wanted to set, you chose not to pursue the back-rent, you chose to let them live at home indefinitely and won’t have a conversation with them about moving out, etc.
Those are the things you get a say in. Those are things you can tell them you expect, and when you expect them to pay you back by. But once they’ve paid obligated expenses, smart saving or not is ultimately their call. Whether the mental peace of larping is worth more is their call.
What you don’t get a say in is their hobbies. They are roommates, not dependants, and so you don’t get to set curfews or punishments just because you don’t like their choices.
No-ThatsTheMoneyT$t said:
YTA. When I stayed with family, they didn’t dream of charging me. Are yall broke? I can’t fathom nickel and diming my kids.
GamesDontStop said:
ESH. You can't ban them from seeing people or leaving the house, they are adults now. You, and your husband, control the purse strings and car, though. You can increase the rent or prevent them from using the car for anything but xyz. They need full time jobs and to put aside money for the future or even just support the present.
But I can't feel sorry for those kids. They're just cruising through life being supported by the two of you. That being said. It seems like LARP'ing is one of the few things that you can bond over with them. I would reconsider not letting them ride in the car with you.
GenuineMammal said:
YTA for charging your kids $1200 a month in rent. The oldest one is 25, I have coworkers who are 25 making six figures and still living home, it’s just how it is these days. If they are good kids and actively trying to get their life together what’s your issue?
I don’t blame them for not wanting to talk to you, I doubt you’re even putting the rent they pay away to help them move out/get on their feet. Also, if you can’t afford to not charge your kids rent, maybe you’re the one who shouldn’t be going to this event.
brandibythebeach said:
How can they owe you $350 "due to not charging them rent?" If you weren't charging them rent then they don't owe you. Also they are an adult, you don't get to tell them what to do or ground them. The most you could do is not let them use your car. YTA.