'AITA for telling my daughter she needs to start dressing appropriately?'
"AITA for telling my daughter she needs to start dressing appropriately?"
35f. My daughter is 14. Her father passed away when she was 2 and I remained single up until 2 years ago when I started dating "Matt." He is 46 and has a 19 yo son "Chris." They moved in with us 2 months ago. Chris is in college full time and stays at my place because it's super close to campus. Wicked good kid. Super respectful. And the issue? My daughter very obviously has a crush on him.
Since Matt and Chris moved in my daughter started dressing really inappropriately at home. I'm not talking about revealing clothing. I couldnt care less if she wore short shorts or whatever around the house. It's a lack of clothing that is the issue. She never did this prior to them moving in but now whenever Chris is home, she will come out in literally nothing but her bra and underwear.
She wears girls boxers so it's not a super big deal but it's absolutely become a problem. The boys don't even pay attention to her but I see what she's doing and it bothers ME because she literally only does it when she knows Chris is home.
Like this morning Chris had late classes and it's her school vacation. She came out in her normal pajamas originally, saw Chris sitting at the table on his laptop. She announces she's taking a shower. She comes out 30 minutes later in her bra and underwear with a flannel unbuttoned over it and says "Hey Chris, what are you doing?" And sits down beside him.
I immediately told her to come talk to me in my bedroom and it was at this point that I told her from this point forward she wasn't allowed to leave her bedroom unless she was properly dressed. She asked "why do I have to put clothes on when this is my home and I should be able to be comfortable?"
So I was blunt and said "because the only time you seem to give a damn about your so called comfort clothing is when Chris is here. Go put some clothes on." She stormed off to her room and slammed the door and didn't come out again. Now I have literally spoken to her about this at least 4 other times because it just keeps getting worse and she keeps putting on less and less clothing.
I've asked her straight up if she had a crush on Chris and her face goes beat red while saying "ew, gross, no" but it's obvious either way. I'm not blind
I also made a point to tell her she needs to think about how much trouble she could get older guys in to by making the advances she is, but of course she gets angry that I'm "accusing her" of being a "sl%t" (I NEVER said that. I think she's a normal hormonal teenager trying to get guys attention).
Either way, she's pissed and she texted my mother, who is now calling me and saying I'm wrong for making my daughter feel like her comfort doesn't matter over a guy and his son, who aren't family. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
nemc222 said:
NTA but I would have a real issue with her trying to drag your mother into this. Mother needs to be told to butt out. Daughter needs to know trying to get your mother on her side will not work.
No_Use_9124 said:
NTA But instead of discussing just her clothing, sit her down to discuss how ppl shld be loved for more than their bodies and that undressing to get attention isn't the way to find a good relationship, that dating should be abt liking the person's mind as well as everything else.
Then, stand your ground on the clothing thing. Perhaps Chris could come home with a girlfriend (or boyfriend I dunno) as well, if he has one. That might help nip this in the bud, but also, that she automatically assumes she she'd be unclothed to get attention is not good, and you need to maybe work on helping her see the appropriate ways to get dates/boyfriends, etc. so she's ready when it's time.
Dry_Active_3256 said:
NTA, of course, but it’s unfortunate for Chris that he’s clearly noticed enough for it to have made him slightly uncomfortable and be calling her his sister. 14 year old girls won’t agree with their mum on most things, especially if they feel embarrassed, so perhaps a direct conversation between them both will shut it down.
Fearless-North-9057 said:
Nta and your mum can back off. Purposely wandering around in underwear only when he's there isn't oh I'm being comfortable in my own home it's straight up attention seeking. Tell your mum the whole story I bet your daughter gave a one sided version.
Luckily, it sounds like he's being a good brother and quickly labelling their relationship as siblings only. I'd talk to him and his dad before anything bad happens. Being rejected can make people do stupid stuff.
balanchinedream said:
NTA. How you end this is by pointing out - would you feel comfortable if an 11 year boy was complimenting your bra? Wanting to be your friend? When you’re young, it’s not normal to want to hang out or date much younger people than yourself. It would be super weird for her to be close friends with 5th graders.
Like it or not, Chris sees her the exact same way. If he’s at all worth it, he’ll be just like her- wanting to have friends and date someone his age. And if there’s a 19 year old showing interest in her, the only question to ask herself is, why aren’t they normal and interested in hanging out with people their own age or slightly older?
she_who_knits said:
NTA. But I think you should enlist Chris and have him tell her to stop, it makes him uncomfortable and yada yada. She'll be mortified. She's putting Chris in a dangerous legal situation because I'm pretty sure the age gap is illegal and what if she made something up to brag at school. He may need to move out because your moon-brained daughter is at a dangerous age.