Mom tells son the truth; 'It's YOUR fault your step-family doesn't like you.' AITA?

"AITA for telling my son it’s his fault his step-family doesn’t like him?"

I (42f) have six kids: (25f) twins, (23f), Mark (22m), and (18f) twins. When I was a teen, I met my ex-husband (44m). We quickly started dating and got married super young due to our religion and families. After 11 years of marriage, we left the church and got divorced. Our split was amicable, and I even went to my ex’s wedding to his new wife.

Mark has always been closest with my husband. To this day Mark still blames our divorce on me despite it being explained to him many times his father and I just weren’t happy.

My husband married Margret (43f) 5 years ago. Margret has 2 older sons from her preivous marrage. The problem is Mark hated Margret but liked the idea of having brothers.

He was incredible cruel towards her to the point where I would have to pick him up early from his dads house because his behavior was so bad. This created a rift between Mark and his step-siblings.

One of Margret’s sons is getting married this December; everyone was invited, including me. Except Mark. When Mark was over for dinner last night, he began complaining about how he wasn’t invited and couldn’t understand why everyone was against him and targeting him.

I told Mark honestly, that his own poor behavior and actions are the reason his step-family doesn’t like him and that he can’t blame anyone but himself. Mark stormed out saying I was being an asshole and not supporting him.

I feel terrible now. My ex and oldest daughters think I was in the right that someone needed to put Mark into his place. But my youngest daughter and a few of my friends think I was being too mean and not acting like a good mom. I cant tell if I’m being an ass in this situation

Let's see what readers had to say:

felab writes:

YTA...bc you raised him in a cult.

faray09 writes:

NTA Your son is 22 years old. He's old enough to understand actions have consequences. Treating his father's wife badly was bound to have to have repercussions.

And one other them is he has alienated her children to the point they don't want to have anything to do with him including not inviting him to milestone events in their lives. The only thing you are guilty of is pointing out the obvious.

flasttt writes:

NTA. If your ex and his new wife were married five years ago, Mark was a teen when they were dating and married- old enough to know better and also just the right age to do really stupid things without thinking through the consequences!

He’s an adult now. You just reminded him that there are consequences for his past actions. What he does with that info- pout, deny, deflect- or take it seriously and apologize to the step-mom- is up to him.

astinpo writes:

Truth is you if you said it as bluntly as you wrote it - it could have been handled better. You know the situation and you watched it unfold, so you've known all along. He obviously struggled with everything and was blind to his own behavior as a child.

Yes, he needed to know the truth, yet it could have been served up a bit more kindly. "I hear you Mark, I know what is going on hurts, We've never really talked about this before - I know you were excited when dad got married about having brothers...

Yet, I was around all of it too. I don't know if you remember, but there were many times when you were really pretty awful to Margaret, so bad at times everyone was upset and I'd have to pick you up early..." Basically, kindly take him down memory lane...

Also, sounds like that behavior was when he was younger- what went on as he got older? Did he stop going? Did he keep it up? Did he improve? Did they throw up a wall and never let him back in?

Maybe in reviewing it kindly, together, you might find out there is a little more to the story he deserves some grace on or you find that he was never taught to be accountable for his behavior. If you revisit and try again - then NTA

agag09 writes:

Might be downvoted but YTA. He's this way because you raised him and broke up the family. Come on now.

terradwro writes:

NTA. Sometimes being a good parent is telling your kid when they are being an AH and that people won’t cater to them just because they think they are special.

He can’t be cruel to people and expect to be put on a pedestal and adored by the very people they hate or by the people who love his victims.

His victim mentality is his problem to address. Tell everyone who says you are being too hard that sometimes being a parent means being the villain in your kid’s eyes because you can’t blindly support their every action because that’s not what people need. People need to be called out and held accountable for their actions.