"AITA for only paying for one daughter’s wedding?"
I 45 female am married to John 50 male. We have 2 daughters (one together, Hannah 25, and one from his previous relationship, Alexa 30). Alexa is older and always got everything new and Hannah always got the hand me downs. She never had much of her “own” things so I wanted to make her wedding special.
Both of the girls have gotten engaged. I told Hannah I would pay for her wedding. I have been saving her whole life. Alexa asked John if he and her bio mom would be paying for her wedding and he said no. He said she should have a wedding that her and her fiance can afford.
The girls went to get lunch the other day and Alexa found out I was paying for Hannah’s wedding. Alexa called John crying that it’s unfair I am paying for Hannah’s wedding. John thinks we should split the money evenly between the two girls. I told him no because I was the one who had been saving the money.
I told him if he’d like to pay for Alexa’s wedding then he should speak with her mother for them to see how much they could help. John asked if I would be willing to give any money that is left from Hannah’s wedding to Alexa. I told him no I was giving Hannah the whole account and she could spend the money on what she wants. AITA?
EDIT:
When I got pregnant with Hannah John asked me to be a stay at home mom. During that time John was in charge of all the finances. That is why Hannah always had hand me downs because John said he wasn’t going to buy her something new if we had something that worked.
I started working when Hannah was 10 years old. At that time John and I decided he would split Alexa’s costs with her mother and that we would split Hannah’s costs. During that conversation I told John that I would be making a savings account for Hannah.
At the time I said I hoped I could save enough money to pay for her wedding or a down payment on a house. Obviously not knowing how much I’d save. We didn’t talk about it again because there wasn’t a need to. Once I started working our finances were separate. Alexa’s mom had full custody and we had her every other weekend. During those weekends John made all her parenting decisions.
UPDATE:
Hannah told her fiance what had happened. Hannah’s fiance is an only child and his parents said they would pay for half the wedding. I told Hannah the money is still hers and she can use it for the other half and to use the left over money towards a house. Her and her fiance are very grateful.
I told her that tomorrow I’d go talk to someone about getting the money in a trust of some kind in her name since right now it’s in a savings account with both of our names.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
subsailor1968 said:
NTA. That is indeed a talk that should be between Alexa’s parents.
Silent_Morning692 said:
NTA but this should have been discussed a long time ago…
wlfwrtr said:
NTA. She has two parents to pay for her wedding. Husband is just trying to look like a good guy to his daughter without having to spend any money on her. Stick to your guns, sounds like your daughter deserves this win.
Popular_Cat_477 said:
NTA. You opened a savings account for your daughter and you can use the money as you please. it’s one of those situations where it may come across as selfish but sometimes it’s okay to be selfish imo. and i know this is where step mom and step daughter relationships can get tricky but if it were me i don’t think i would expect my step mom to pay for my wedding.
That_UsrNm_Is_Taken said:
NTA. Sounds like you have separate finances and not sure why your husband things it’s fair to combine money and expenses now. Also sounds like there’s been some “unfairness” in terms of treatment of the kids all along your relationship, so I also don’t understand why he’s so concerned about making things fair and even for both girls now.
This is your money that you’ve been saving for a very specific reason. Husband and Alexa’s mom should have been planning for Alexa, just like you did for Hannah. This is not on you.
Appropriate_Art_3863 said:
NTA - Not the a^%le all day! You planned for your daughter’s wedding/future. Alexa has TWO parents who haven’t done anything! Yes you’ve known her but that is not any indication of the relationship. Why as the third person was this ever her responsibility?
Later OP came back with this edit and an update:
Edit 2: I saw people asking about if I was contributing to the household once I started working and yes I was. I we agreed on an amount and I would transfer money to John for him to use towards the bills every month. I also did the grocery shopping.
Update 2: The money is officially transferred into only Hannah’s name. My husband is also aware of this.
Alexa, her fiance, Alexa’s mother, Hannah, her fiance, my husband and I all talked last night. Alexa explained she felt pushed aside during the biggest day of her life so far and felt like she didn’t have our support going into her new life.
I explained that I was very sorry and never wanted her to feel that way but that their father was not contributing to the money and that was money that I acquired after working. I also explained that if her mother had saved money for her I would never ask for some of the money for Hannah.
Alexa then looked to her father and said he should be keeping things fair between the girls. Alexas mother also spoke up saying John needed to handle this because it was not ok. Alexas mother also said she would pay for the photographer and that John should at least pay for the venue.
At this point I spoke up and said this seemed like it should be a discussion between John, Alexa, and her mother. I said I would be leaving and be back in an hour and asked Hannah and her fiance if they’d like to come with me. The three of us went to get ice cream down the road.
When I got home John and I talked. He said Alexa is saying that if I don’t give her half the money then I’m no longer invited to the wedding. I told John I understood and he also knows the money was transferred into Hannah’s name. He’s not angry with me and said he’s upset with himself because he didn’t think I’d be able to save that much through the years.