'AITA for uninviting my oldest daughter to Christmas over Santa?'
"AITA for uninviting my oldest daughter to Christmas over Santa?"
I (43F) have children with very large age gaps. My oldest is 25, that I had with a high school ex. Then we separated, and I married my husband much later. My younger two are 9, and 7.
My younger children believe in Santa, while my daughter's son doesn’t. She raised him not with the Santa magic, which is perfectly okay, I'd just rather not have it ruined for my children who do believe in Santa.
I was having Christmas at my house and I asked my daughter if she’d please talk to her son, because I wouldn’t like the magic ruined for them. I still put packages under the tree with “from Santa” on them, and leave out cookies and reindeer treats (bird seeds.) My daughter told us she wouldn’t make her son lie, and my children are old enough to understand if her son decides to say something.
I told her if she wouldn’t talk to her son, they could spend Christmas at their apartment. My daughter didn’t like that and said I was choosing my younger children’s happiness over hers, and that I was being completely unreasonable.
My husband supports me but thinks I might be being a little high strung as our children are getting older. I just want to keep the Christmas magic alive. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
ChupaChupnana said:
Could you explain to your children that not everyone believes in Santa and that’s ok? What happens if your kids have friends that are Jewish or Buddhist or parents that perhaps aren’t able to provide the “Santa” experience? Does it really have to be that binary?
I empathize with wanting to give your children the happiest holiday memories and feeling unhappy when wrenches get thrown in those plans but it seems like there should be creative solutions here that don’t make other members of your family feel unwelcome. YTA.
Shibaspots said :
What blows my mind is OP is telling her daughter to make her grandson lie to 'keep the Santa magic', and is willing to bar them from the family Christmas over it. OP seems to be valuing the pageantry of Santa over their actual family.
The thing is, eventually, the younger kids are going to figure it out and not care about Santa anymore. But OP's grandson will remember not being allowed to attend Christmas. Also, the older kid is 9. They've probably already been told by other kids that Santa's not real. YTA.
jennajooniper said:
Christmas magic includes asking a five year old to lie and if he doesn’t he and his mother will be isolated for the holiday? Maybe estranging yourself from your daughter? Yta.
CrocanoirZA said:
YTA. Your need to keep the Christmas magic alive by your definition does not negate that another part of Christmas magic is about family. Your willingness to shun your daughter and grandchild over Santa speaks volumes about you and what you think is important in life.
EmpressJainaSolo said:
YTA. You want her five year old to keep a secret from his older cousins. Usually when it comes to Santa it’s the other way around. As someone else has pointed out they likely have come across people already who don’t believe in Santa. Belief at their age is a combination of trusting in magic and wanting it to be real.
Usually when children have other children tell them Santa isn’t real their parents will ask them how they feel. “Well, fourth grader and seven year old, all the presents are signed with Santa and the cookies and milk we leave are gone in the morning. What do you believe?”
If a five year old telling them Santa isn’t real is enough to stop them from believing then they are ready to stop. I’m wondering if this is less about preserving the magic for them and more about you not being ready for the magic to end.
Speaking of magic, children raised without Santa can still have wonder and magic in their lives. The idea that parents who don’t do Santa are denying their children happy childhoods is judgmental and problematic on multiple levels.
It’s clear you disagree with your daughter’s choice about Santa. Don’t judge someone as less than just because they do things differently than you.
PugGrumbles said:
YTA. I wish you could see my frowning face and double thumbs down. This is just sad. You have a weird attitude toward your older daughter. I'm not sure what it is but I'm picking it up. I get a whiff of "I'm gonna do things differently with this set of kids," like you get a whole life do-over and she's the outsider who doesn't fit the mold.