Mom uses 'disciplinary phrase' with toddlers that husband says is 'inappropriate.' AITA?

"AITA for continuing to use a phrase when addressing my kids despite my husband not liking it?"

I (38F) have 4 young kids with my husband (40M). They are 5 yrs old, 4 year old twins and a 1 yr old.

Our kids are well behaved in general. Anyone with young kids can confirm sometimes they have tantrums or get upset. Sometimes it's over big things and sometimes it's over something silly.

For example our 5 year old was upset this morning because his shoes weren't blue. They've never been blue, they've always been green. Today I guess he just felt like having blue shoes.

A phrase I use when calming my kids down over smaller issues is "what's the story, macaroni?"

They love when I say this, even when they are fussy or upset. I'm not sure why, but maybe it's just as simple as they think I see them as macaroni. Maybe it's the silliness of it.

I can't remember where I heard it. It's effective, helps them work through their emotions so we can work on communicating why we're upset and what can be done to fix it. For those wondering, in my 5 year olds case, the solution was letting him put stickers on his shoes. All is well again lol.

My husband hates when I say it. He has asked me several times not to say it because to him it sounds too childish and inappropriate. His approach is more strict and he doesn't take the more kid friendly approach.

He would tell our 5 year old that his shoes won't turn blue just because he is upset and he shouldn't throw a fit over something he can't change. (This would have upset our son further, not made him stop fussing)

I feel like sometimes kids have very big and valid feelings but might not know how to express that in a constructive way. I prefer to take the silly approach for these smaller issues. my kids respond positively to it and it works. I don't use it for every situation but on smaller issues I feel it is fine.

I have tried not to say it around my husband as he doesn't like it. The kids love it and the oldest will sometimes even ask me to say it even if he's not upset so I can't always avoid it even when he is there.

I might be TA because it's clear my husband really doesn't like this phrase. AITA because I haven't stopped saying "what's the story, Macaroni"?

Let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

fratyu writes:

NTA. You have a parenting tactic that works, because the children like it and it calms them down. Your husband has a parenting tactic that doesn't seem viable with children your age.

He rationalizes it, but the whole point is that the issue at hand (like the color of the shoes is the same as it always has been) is not rational and the problem is not a rational one or a lack of understanding.

It is fine if your husband uses his tactics when HE deals with the situation. Including the aftermath. He should carry the damage of his approach as well (like: they still cry. Problem not solved or even worse.). In the same way, you have to deal with the consequences of your approach.

What never works is doing what the other wants, while his approach is theoretical and he never gets to enjoy the consequences of his theoretical best approach.

Also, your husband should be informed that children of the age of 1, 4 and 5 are in fact childish. They are supposed to be.

OP responds:

Good point. I think he thinks because that is the way he was raised (the no nonsense way) that that's just how you are supposed to do it. Thing is I was also raised that way but I don't feel like that approach benefited me at all.

It made me feel like I had to bottle things up and that I couldn't talk to the adults in my life who were supposed to help.which created a lot of issues mentally later on down the road. I want my kids to know I'm a safe person and will always listen to them.

profsky writes:

I have a different, but similar, experience with my ex husband. I called my child a nickname that was a name not usually given to their gender but was part of a nursery rhyme about someone loving someone else very much. I started doing it from when my child was very young.

When I would call my child by this name, my child loved it and playfully (not seriously, like to a teacher) referred to themselves by this name. This was a name that ONLY i used and no one else.

He hated it. After our divorce, to convince her to make me stop (he never asked me outright) he told her he would call her younger half sibling (who was conceived after our divorce, for all those who care) a version of their name that was for a different gender (think Brian to Briana).

Not as a nickname, but simply because he didn't like that i was calling our child a name of a different gender (and the nickname was no variation of our child's name. It was completely different.) He tried to use our child's love and affection for our child's sibling to make our child not engage in something between our child and me.

Our chikd now has no contact with him. For many, many other reasons, and completely of our child's volition, not mine.

I say all this to say that sometimes people do these things out of jealousy and control. Maybe your husband wishes he had thought of something like this to connect emotionally to his children.

He may completely believe his reasoning but subconsciously be jealous. In any case, don't give into it. Don't let him regulate YOUR connection with your children.

pockahan writes:

NTA. You are helping your children express their feelings in a healthy way. Maybe your husband never had a parent guiding him and was always taught to “get over it” without having the room to express himself first.

He might not know how beneficial your approach is. How you teach them to regulate their emotions and think of a solution because he was never taught this. You are not “silly”, you are taking your children seriously and don’t dismiss their feelings.

OP responds:

He and I were both raised in strict households. He seems to think it worked for him (I have my doubts about that bc he doesn't really show emotion at all over anything but that could also just be who he is ) but I know it did not work for me. It created a lot of self esteem and mental issues that I'm still dealing with to this day.=

forant writes:

My husband was like this. He criticized my parenting choices whenever I did something that he thought “babied” our children, even when they were infants. He demanded that I stop using a pillow to cushion my infant against my arm when nursing or just holding him.

(He wanted to toughen up his son.) He also demanded it was time to stop nursing my daughter at six months because “it would be more convenient for the family.” (How, I have no idea.)

I’m sorry, but when a man has the audacity to criticize a mother’s parenting when it is obviously working well for the children, he needs to learn that there’s room for both parents’ preferences, whether he likes it or not. Especially when his reasoning is that he wants them to toughen up and he doesn’t see the value in a softer approach. That’s just BS.

retyou writes:

At that age, children are crazy. And that’s just how the minds work, impulsive, unreasonable, Emotional and easily distracted.

The was the story macaroni is kind of like a lullaby. It’s soothing the crazy minds back into a somewhat logical approachable state once the mind is in an approachable state you are able to clearly communicate with them and allow them to communicate their needs.

What your husband is trying to do is the definition of insanity. You don’t speak reason to someone who is in a state that cannot accept reason you don’t speak logic to someone who is in an enological state of mind.

Talking is about communicating and if your husband is talking to kids, as though they’re fully grown adults, he’s not actually communicating anything. You need to change the way you’re talking to fit your audience, and your husband seems to be blind to who his audience is.

NTA, You are doing proper and effective communication with your children. You are managing their emotions and allowing them to calm down in the state that allows you to better communicate with them and them with you.