Mom wonders if she's a bad parent; 'I only put ONE of my children on a diet.' AITA?

When this woman is concerned that she may be a bad parent, she asks the internet:

"AITA for putting only one child on a diet?"

I (F) have 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls. This story only really concerns one of them, who i'll call Daisy. All of my family except Daisy are fit. We're not like some model level attractive or anything but we're all healthy except for Daisy.

The reason we're healthy is because we all do and enjoy physical exercises, like sports. My 2 sons play basketball and cricket and my daughter is involved in gymnastics, ballet, and swimming. We all also learn muay thai for self defense.

We all eat everything in moderation, we eat junk too, but not too much. We also give the kids money for food at school, since they were young, and we gave them a massive talk about eating healthy and self indulgence. We make their food at home, but the money is for if they want to buy a treat from the cafeteria or if they're still hungry.

Daisy is 12 right now, and we have noticed that she is a lot fatter than her siblings. We chalked it up to her just being built bigger, and also because she doesn't enjoy physical exercise like we do. She despises being sweaty and tired.

We recently took her to the doctor and were told she was highly overweight. Not obese, but she needs to lose begin to lose weight immediately.

The doctor didn't want to give us a specific diet, and told us it wasn't severe enough for that, but that Daisy needs to stop eating all junk foods immediately, OR begin to exercise very regularly. Basically, either consume less calories, or burn more.

Obviously Daisy was distraught, because she loves eating junk food and hates exercise. I told her that she had to either enroll in a multitude of sports, or she was dieting. She started yelling at us that she was healthy and that health comes in all sizes.

She started screaming about how we hate her because she's fat, but the truth is she just isn't healthy. She also despises sports, and when we enrolled her after this, she just stood there and did nothing.

So the only solution was to cut her off of the junk food. However, the rest of the family loves junk food, and I felt it would just breed resentment between the kids if all of them had to lose out just because of her, given that they work for the ability to eat junk food.

Recently we were all eating pizza for dinner and I told Daisy that was eating a salad because she needed to lose weight and wasn't exercising. She threw a tantrum but I feel I am clear, either exercise and eat like you used to, or eat healthier. She called her aunt who came over and began a rant. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought:

waksum writes:

NTA - People are going to call you an AH for this, but it sounds like she eats a lot more junk food then the other kids, right? if so, and if she doesn't workout or do anything to burn it, then yeah, she's going to become unhealthy.

If a doctor, after tests for issues with weight gain, can say that she is overweight because of a poor diet and lack of exercising, then she needs to change something if the rest of you all stay in shape.

sga6 writers:

This is one of those situations where the world of the internet is completely detached from reality. Daisy might not like it, but if she's overweight enough that a doctor said she needs to lose weight then she needs to make lifestyle changes whether she wants to or not.

It isn't fair to the rest of the family to make them stick to her diet when they're healthy. When I did keto I didn't make my gf do it with me. NTA. Ideally she should be doing some form of physical activity but if she refuses that then you can't just let her sit around and eat cheetos and pizza without limit.

afleayu writes:

NTA. Contrary to the conclusion everyone else seems to be jumping to, You're Not actually an Asshole. You're heart is in the right place, but your methods are out of whack because they're built on the archaic parenting methods of yestermillenium. Your Daughter likes food. She also likes leisure.

These things can be enjoyed in tandem in moderation and that's what you need to teach her, but forcing her to either eat food she doesn't like or to do sports she hates is not the solution. Doing this will just make her resent you.

Exercise can be found in more places than organized sporting, consider the warmup exercises y'all probably already do before hand. If she's not willing to do 10 minutes of starjumps, next time she wants a snack walk with her to the shop so she can burn off the excess calories not to mention getting to spend time with her.

Ultimately, the best solution would be to either learn to cook healthy meals that actually taste good or control portion sizes with the food you're eating already. You shouldn't need to eat more than a couple pizza slices anyway so limit her to that and IF she's still hungry, there's salad. Pack a healthy lunch and limit (but not prohibit) spending money at the cafeteria.

Being overweight is unhealthy, but doctors are pretty ill-informed about the severity of below obese weight classes so take it with a grain of salt and if you're that concerned see a dietician. If you keep going the way you are, she's going to buy into the delusion that obesity is healthy purely because it goes against your bullshit despite it not being true.

TL;DR, get a consultation from a real Dietician if you're concerned about your daugher's health but the way you're trying to fix it is hamfisted and there are better methods. You're not a bad person for trying to better your daughter's health, You're just taking the trepanning approach.

tutozilla writes:

Coming from an obese child that turned into an obese adult because my parents refused any interventions whatsoever, ESH. I think your only option is to make daisy exercise because at the end of the day, exercise keeps us healthy, even if it doesn’t keep the pounds off.

I wish my parents had forced me to exercise so that I had the proper ingrained behaviours for when I finally wanted to eat right. Instead, I’m a tired lazy couch potato that can’t exercise at all. I sprained a muscle in my arm from lifting 3 lbs weights.

I strained all the muscles in my neck doing a 10 second plank. I cannot move without hurting myself I swear. And I have an emotional need for food cause my parents fed me all the goodies when I was a kid. Please, OP seek professional help. The minute puberty hits Daisy, I can assure you she will begin to care about how she looks.

tfit98 writes:

YTA. you’re looking out for the health of your daughter and trying to prevent problems for her down the road, but wow are you doing it so poorly :(

my mom forced me into sports and put only me on a little diet while there were no restrictions on my siblings and all that resulted in was not feeling comfortable eating in front of them anymore and feeling ashamed.

i would starve myself at dinner and then binge eat at night while alone. i hated sports too and being forced into them made me feel so stupid, and knowing that the only reason i was made to play them was because i was a little on the chunky side hurt even more.

teach her about healthy foods, cook with her, make healthy meals together as a family. make it a lifestyle change for you all, bc frankly there’s a huge double standard with you not letting her eat junk but allowing the other siblings to bc they don’t look fat.

don’t make her feel singled out, don’t make her feel like she’s ugly because she’s fat, and stop trying to control how she’s eating because for sure you will give her an awful eating disorder

nikk7 writes:

YTA. And you are mentally hurting your child. You WILL cause her to have an unhealthy relationship with food and lost likely cause an eating disorder. You obviously favour your skinny children and I don't believe at all that your doctor told you what you said.

Any doctor worth their salt wouldn't say that, or would refer you to a nutritionist to get a healthy diet plan for your kid. ban junk food from the house. If your other kids want it they can buy it at school.

But your are making her sit there watching her whole family eat her fave food and I promise you making her feel worse about herself. Rather than getting her to lose weight you may cause her to comfort eat which would have the opposite effect of what you want. And I'm talking from personal experience.

My whole life I have been chubby and my dad never passed on an opportunity to tell me how big I was and how unhealthy I was. It caused stress, depression and comfort eating.

Also made me marry someone who was just as abusive about it. I have lost weight recently but only after I finally got away and worked on my mental health first.

beaualia5 writes:

NTA. I'm gonna be disliked for this, but... I get what you're trying to do, however I don't think you went about doing it in the best way. She already feels like the odd man out, and that will only make it worse.

First, I think some counseling could probably be good for her. Her extreme reaction and refusal to do anything, even something as simple as going for a walk, seems like more than just a child rebelling against their parents/family. There could be a lot more to it beyond she just doesn't like being hot and sweaty.

Second, while you are correct that punishing the other kids and taking away their food/snacks is unfair and will cause resentment, going so extreme as her only getting a salad while everyone else gets pizza is also unfair and will cause resentment.

There needs to be a balance between the two. Maybe by just starting with smaller portions for her instead of completely changing it and cutting everything out. Also, smaller meals with a couple healthy snacks in between can help too.

Another option is to try a program that teaches people how to eat, and how to eat what they want/love in moderation. For example: my mom did a combination of WW and a diet (with a nutritionist) when she first started her weight loss journey.

She never really had to give up anything past the first couple of weeks-for her a combo of protein/veggies for 2 meals a day, 1 meal of protein/carbs, and 2 small snacks a day got her started, and as she progressed it evolved.

WW has been huge for her in maintaining because it helps her keep track of everything she eats and plan out her days/meals.

If she knows she is gonna have a supper that will use a lot of points, she will either eat things that are low in points or she will do some physical activity or exercise to get extra points. (Not saying that this is the answer, just giving examples of things that could be done.)

There are a lot of options out there that could help your daughter lose some weight without causing a lot of issues for her, for you, and the rest of the family. Maybe you can look into them with Daisy and she can find one that works for her that y'all can help her with.

Sit down with her, discuss your concerns, ask her questions, and listen to her answers. Make sure she knows you're listening and hearing what she is saying, because sometimes as kids we don't feel heard and it hurts (even when it's unintentional).