'AITA for telling my mom she won’t know the baby's gender?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my mum she won’t know the babies gender?"

About 4 weeks ago I (F25) found out I was pregnant. My partner (M22) and I have been trying for a year and it was a complete shock when we found out I actually had fallen pregnant.

The first person besides my partner I told was my mum. This is where the issues started. I explicitly told her to not tell anyone because it has been a year in the making and we wanted to make sure it was viable and actually real. I got a message from her the day after saying “I’m really sorry but I told someone”.

I then had a very short phone call with her and she explained that SHE was so excited and she told my Aunty. Now this is an issue because I’ve had massive trust issues with my Aunt for years and my partner and myself decided she would find out when I was 3 months.

I let is go because my Aunt started coming at me and telling me that “your mum was just excited and she needed to tell someone, don’t blame her." Then yesterday I get tagged in something on Facebook from my mum. It was an article about how to get babies to sleep, she tagged me and said “you should read this for when bean comes”..

I was sitting in actual disbelief because I’d asked her multiple times to not post on social media and to not tell anyone. I messaged her and asked if she could please delete the tag and respect that we don’t want anything posted. She saw my message and took around 8 hours to respond with “it’s taken down, won’t happen again. I was just really excited”.

See the thing with my family is they know how to guilt me but I know when they’re doing it. So I left her on read because I didn’t want to deal with the conflict of me saying to her yet again to not post on socials.

Fast forward to this afternoon. She rang me for the first time in days. We spoke for about 5 minutes and everything was normal. She then goes to me “you’re 8 weeks this week aren’t you?” I told her I was and that I’m having an ultrasound this week. She then asks if we’re going to find out the gender (way to early I know) and I responded with “When the time comes we will but we probably won’t tell you”.

Boy did I screw up by saying that. Little did I know she was sensitive about this and she said “okay I’m going now” and hung up on me. I could tell she was upset about this. Thing is we aren’t going to tell anyone until bean is born. If you haven’t already gathered we like to keep things personal.

AITA for not wanting to tell her? Like I said we aren’t going to tell anyone and I just am getting really frustrated at being made to feel guilty about something I should feel excited about but instead it’s just making me feel stressed. I’m also starting to not want to include her in things because I’m so worried she will tell the wrong person.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

electricgoatss said:

NTA. She’ll probably announce the birth before you too.

Opinionu said:

Nta she s proven twice already she is not trustworthy

She later shared this update:

She just messaged me and said " I am sorry that I got annoyed but I feel like some little kid who made a mistake. I won't tell anyone anything and I won't, It is not worth me feeling like shit and you being mad at me"

I'm going to leave her on read because I don't even know how to respond to that. It is just another guilt trip and I'm just so over it. I just want to say thank you to everyone that has replied! I have read all the responses this morning and it’s refreshing to know that it is my choice and I don’t have to please her or anyone.

This morning I responded to her with this message:

The message that was sent last night made me feel guilty when it shouldn’t. This situation is just extremely hard for me because you’re my only mum. But when I found out you told Aunt because you we’re excited it broke my heart.

It wasn’t something that should have been shared because it was my news and my excitement. Before we found out the news had been shared Partner and I had decided she was one of the people that would find out at 3 months due to prior issues which you should be understanding about. This is partially why we’ve decided to keep things really private.

It’s our choice to keep the gender private. I worded it wrong and I should have said that we actually aren’t going to tell anyone. We are also probably not even going to tell anyone when I’m in labour either. It’s just how protective over the bean we are. I am sorry if this hurts you but it is nothing personal it’s just how Partner & I have decided to do this pregnancy.

With all my other health conditions going on we don’t want added stress. I’m setting up boundaries which is quite hard for me because you know I am generally an open person with things. I just want you to respect and understand that we don’t want people knowing and we probably won’t tell many people were pregnant until we’re ready.