'AITA for refusing to do more chores when my boyfriend works more hours?' UPDATED

"AITA for not wanting to do more chores when my boyfriend works more hours?"

My boyfriend (24m) and I (24f) are both students. We live together. My boyfriend is very intelligent but he is just not an effective learner. He is a mad perfectionist. He'll review every single lecture, read every single article and so on. He also reads everything word for word as if he had never heard of effective reading techniques. So he usually spends every day studying from 9am to 5 or 6pm.

I on the other hand like being effective and I get my stuff done a lot quicker. Now the problem is that recently my boyfriend has started to expect me to do more chores because I "have more time off ". We used to split chores 50/50 apart from cooking which I do every night since he has never learnt how to cook.

He started making remarks that I should pick up some of his chores because I'm reading a book while he's still reviewing a lecture. The way I see it is we both have the same work load I just handle it more effectively and already cook on top of doing my 50%. I shouldn't be punished for studying effectively.

If it were occasionally when he has an assignment due I wouldn't mind but I don't want this to be the new normal. Am I keeping score too much. Am I being unsupportive? I don't know anymore. Please tell me AITA for not wanting to do additional chores?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

aquara_themermaid said:

NTA - I strongly subscribe to the concept that all partners should have equal amounts of free time to not be burnt out, but I think you already do more if you're doing 50% of the cleaning chores and also doing all the cooking. If you're cooking you're probably grocery shopping more too (I acknowledge that's an assumption so correct me if I'm wrong). How much extra time free time do you have?

OP responded:

You're right as the sole cook I do the shopping but I'm pretty organised so I only go twice to three times a week for an hour maybe. Apart from this I usually start working at 9 and knock off at 4ish. Then I do my chores which can take anywhere between 5 minutes and an hour. I start cooking at 6 tea is ready anywhere between 6.20 and 7. Recently I've started doing the dishes after so I'm usually done by 8pm

ChoiceConfidence said:

NTA. From your comments, you study for an hour a day less than he does, spend 2-3 hours a week grocery shopping, and spend between 1.3 and 7 hours a week cooking. Then another 7 hours a week doing the dishes, finishing by 8 PM. So you work on average from 9am til 8pm, with a break from 4 til 6.

He works from 9am til 5pm. You are already doing more than your share. If anyone should be taking on more of the shared chores, it is him.

WebbieVanderquack said:

NTA. You have the same amount of work; you should have the same amount of chores. I will say that I think I'm like your BF. I read a lot, but I'm not an efficient reader, and when it came to research I always just totally blitzed it, and read absolutely everything I could find.

It works out fine for me, I'm just aware that I'm not efficient, and I think it's the way my brain's cut out. So don't blame him for that, but do insist that he share chores. Realistically, for two people with no children, those chores shouldn't be too time-consuming.

And murderousbudgie said:

NTA. It's not your fault he's an inefficient learner and it's not your job to cater to him. I guarantee you if you budge on this in 5 years you'll still be doing 90% of the housework no matter how much you work - he'll think of another excuse to be lazy. Don't give him an inch.

About six weeks later, she shared this major update:

After I made my last post I realised how frustrated I actually was. So I sat down with my boyfriend and we had a serious talk. I told him that I want to go back to the old split. He wasn't happy but I told him it's not up for discussion and if he doesn't like it he can hire a maid (he couldn't afford this). I went okayish for about two weeks though I had to nag him constantly.

But then 3 weeks ago my professor offered to extend my duties with him. I wouldn't only be his academic assistant anymore but I could work in a more practical field with him too. I was thrilled and obviously accepted.

I told my boyfriend that since I'll be working even more now and he doesn't work at all I would want a real 50/50 split. This means I would have wanted him to cook and grocery shop too. He cracked the shits and told me he's already upped his game over the last few weeks and doesn't need to do more. This made me think and I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to be with him anymore.

Once I had formed the thought in my head it was all clear to me and I didn't really have to think about it for long. I told him two weeks ago. I told him that my decision is final and there was no room for negotiation. He wasn't happy and promised he'd do better if I give him another chance. I didn't and moved out. I'm living with a friend for now. I feel relieved and happy.