Son refuses to have a relationship with the mother who abandoned him. Twice. AITA?
"AITA for refusing to have anything to do with my mother after she abandoned me for 10 years then came back and spitefully said my dad wasn't my dad after letting him raise me solo?"
My (20m) parents were young when they dated and mother got pregnant with me. They broke up during the pregnancy and my mother called dad to the hospital and she left me with him and said she wasn't interested in parenting and since he was, he could do it.
She did nothing for me for the next ten years. There was no contact, no child support (and yes my dad pursued it), no nothing. My dad did it all. He was on his own and committed to raising me.
There were times I asked him about my mother and he tried to stay neutral with a slightly positive leaning on her just because he didn't want me to hate myself for being half her.
He wanted to nurture confidence and security in me. And as much as I hate her today I appreciate him doing it because I was sorta fragile as a kid emotionally and I think the insecurity and self loathing would have been bad if I had known just how awful she was.
A few weeks after I turned 10 my mother shows up and acts like she can just start playing supermom. She told dad she wanted to take me and raise me now and didn't want a fight over it.
She told me I was going to move in with her and I fought back and said I wanted to stay with dad and she was a stranger. Then when she wasn't getting her way she told us dad wasn't my real dad anyway and I was someone else's bio kid so I didn't belong with him. She said it for pure spite but also because she thought dad would dump me on the spot.
Until we got the DNA test I was in pieces over that. I felt guilty because dad raised me not knowing, I didn't want to have a different dad or lose him. He spent ages reassuring me he would be my dad no matter what and I was his son no matter what and he loved me.
But I was expecting someone to come between us the rest of the time. I was so sure my mother would find the actual guy and he'd take me away or they both would. But a DNA proved that I was dad's kid.
He paid for it privately just because he wanted me to be comforted and deep down he believed I was his even if he was sick at the thought of my mother telling the truth. We don't know if she had doubts about who was my father. But she was wrong that dad was 100% not my dad.
She disappeared again after the DNA results and she was pissed. She acted like I was supposed to jump into her arms and run away with her even though she was a stranger and even the way she talked to me showed she would have been a terrible mother.
It was only 2.5 months ago that she showed up again. She moved to town with her husband and his two little kids. They made a point of stopping by our (mine and dad's) house and introducing him and the kids.
They said his kids mom died and my mother was going to be their mom now and we'd be siblings and we should be a family. I told them I wanted nothing to do with her or any of them and I told her after what she did she had audacity to come back and act like I'd ever want anything to do with her. She argued that it was 10 years ago and she's grown.
I said she could F off and die in a hole because she was a spiteful b-word and unworthy of being called a mom. Dad told them they needed to leave. My mother's husband was willing to go because he didn't like our attitude apparently but she acted offended and was trying to linger.
She approached me a few times since and I have ignored her completely. She told me I should hear her out and give her a chance. Her husband was there one of those times and he was talking trash about me and how much of a monster I am for the very dark comment because I want his kids to lose two mothers and be motherless twice before they're five.
I ignored them still but the comments bother me a little because I want to scream that they should move away if they don't like it but I know I can't make them leave. And I know I haven't heard her side. I don't want to hear it. I don't want a relationship or anything to do with her ever. But does that make me TA?
And you know, I'm the same age my parents were when I was born. I feel too young for kids but I would never abandon my kid the way she did me. She was 30 when she did that. Like wtf?
She wasn't a kid anymore and she didn't care about what it did to me. She didn't care what it did to dad, even though he was on his own with me and had zero support from her.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Protect your peace. There's nothing she could say that would justify her abandonment.
Jesseno3 (OP)
The abandonment isn't her worst crime anymore. She outdid that when she tried turning my world upside down when I was 10.
Blood makes relatives, actions make a family and her actions suck. Not only did she abandon you, then she throws the zinger that he's not your real dad... to a 10 year old. How cruel. NTA.
Jesseno3 (OP)
I know!! If she can be that cruel to a 10 year old how cruel would she be now that I'm an adult? How cruel would be to my eventual future kids? Her worst action was no longer abandoning me after the paternity nightmare she threw at us.
NTA, and don’t let anyone gaslight you into thinking you owe her a second chance. You were a child when she dropped that bomb on you about your dad not being your dad. She knew exactly what she was doing. Honestly, the fact you’re even questioning yourself shows how deep her damage went.