Family upset as widowed dad rejects dating, sarcastically refers to stepfamily challenges. AITA?
"AITA for pointing out mother and brother's "step-problems" as a reason why I won't pursue another relationship after being widowed?"
Salty_Dig5229
I (46M) lost my wife to cancer 4 years ago, when our two sons were 6 and 8 years old. It was a difficult adjustment for all of us, and I'd be kidding if I said it doesn’t remain difficult, but I can also say that the boys and I have managed to move forward as a close-knit family.
They're doing great in school. I'm fortunate enough to be well-off, so I have been able to afford therapy for all of us and plenty of help around the house. We have an awesome roster of babysitters who the kids love. And my late wife's sister and brother-in-law happen to live near us and have stepped up as additional adult family figures in my kids' lives.
I have not pursued any relationships since my wife's passing. I want to focus on my kids. It's not like I am a hermit or anything. I have plenty of friends and I do get the opportunity to socialize, thanks to babysitters and my sister and BIL. For sure, it's not the life I envisioned a decade ago, but I feel like I am making things work and I'm proud of our resilience as a family.
The problem is my mother (divorced from my dad and remarried) and my older brother (divorced and remarried). A year or so after my wife's death, they started making comments about how I needed to start dating again, with the strong hint that my kids needed a mother figure around.
I found this annoying then and only more annoying as time has gone on. The comments tend to wax and wane. The irony is that both my mother and my brother ended up with step-kids. In my mother's case, it happened just after I left for college, so I never lived with step-dad or step-siblings, but my younger brother did, and it was a shitshow for him.
He and the step-siblings never got along, he never recognized step-dad as father figure. Our dad never remarried and he and my brother have a much better relationship than he and my mother do.
My older brother's family is a signal example of the phenomenon visible all over this sub of two people with kids remarrying in the belief that they are going to be the Brady Bunch but instead ending up as the Jerry Springer show. The step-sibs war with each other and their respective step-parent.
Here's my potential AH behavior. At a recent family dinner (no kids, just mom, my two brothers and I), mom and older brother started in again on the "you need to find a partner" nonsense.
I tried to deflect it in a non-confrontational way. “I guess my family is a like a wheelchair – we’re not designed to handle ‘steps.’” It didn’t work, as they became defensive and that I was pig-headed to avoid dating for that reason.
I lost my temper and told them that they could do as they please, but personally I feel like the happiness of my kids is more important than having a full bed and someone to make me breakfast (brother’s wife is SAHM). I can pay a maid or a cook if I need it, I said. Younger brother said “amen”, but mom and other bro said my comments were cruel and insulting. Did I overreact?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
fancyandfab
They say a hard head makes for a soft bottom. I hope that's true for them when they trip and fall over this audacity. They've been at this 3 years. Get you some business and STFU. Sounds like you and your kids are thriving.
It seems like men are always in a rush to remarry. On social media a few months ago this guy was talking about how much he loved and cherished his wife, but 18 months after she died he was ready to find a new wife.
It's just disheartening. It's just refreshing to see a man who's actually okay focusing on himself and kids for more than a few years. NTA. I like your style. They're stance very much gives misery loves company.
tsh87
I think men statistically rush to remarry but I also think, like in this post, they're pushed to remarry a lot of the time. Especially if they have kids. There's still a lot of people who can't grasp the idea of a man taking care of his kids by himself full time. They feel without a mom or partner there just has to be something missing, something falling through the cracks. It's very weird.
ComprehensiveEye7312
NTA, as a former step kid not everyone is meant to be in a blended family. It sucked for me and many others. It is nice to see a parent put their children’s best interest first before their own. Most are not like you.
lihzee
“I guess my family is a like a wheelchair – we’re not designed to handle ‘steps.’”
This was you trying to be non-confrontational?
No-You5550
It's called humor. Mom and me couldn't handle steps either. We had a great relationship God rest her soul.
needabook55
NTA. If your mother and older brother keep harassing you, it may be time to set boundaries with them and give them "time-outs" if they can't stop harassing you about dating. Time outs would be a time frame of no contact.
You need to keep it nice and peaceful for you and your children. If your mother and brother are bugging you, it won't be long until they are with you children asking them "don't you miss having a mother? Wouldn't it be nice if your dad remarried and gave you a new mother?" We have seen this type of interaction on reddit before.