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Bride’s mother lashes out over denied request to stay in couple’s wedding suite; 'it's heartbreaking.' AITA? + UPDATE

Bride’s mother lashes out over denied request to stay in couple’s wedding suite; 'it's heartbreaking.' AITA? + UPDATE

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"Mother asked to stay in our wedding suite."

My (35F) bride and I (41F) planned an elopement in Vegas initially, but of course everyone wanted to come. So we paid to have a micro wedding (under 10 people) for our most special guests to come. Everyone is responsible for their own rooms, arrangements, flights, etc. We posted on our website, which no one has read.

We planned a week out in Vegas, the first few days being just for me and my future wife. However, my dear mother doesn't want to fly out to Vegas just for a wedding. She's never been to Vegas so she wants to make a whole trip of it. To me, this is not a family trip. Although my family will be there, it is a trip for me and my wife. It is our wedding, afterall.

A few months ago, my mother suggested to stay with us in our hotel suite for the first few nights, the three of us. I shot that idea down pretty hard and explained there won't be enough room. (It's a wedding suite, so one King bed, one thin couch.) I was definitely surprised she had the wherewithal to even.

Weather has been bad for my family and my bride's family in their respective cities. Last night my mother called to tell me she may not make it a few days before the wedding. She's thinking of canceling her hotel room for those three days because she doesn't want to lose her money.

For me, thats not a huge loss. We wanted the time beforehand together anyway. I continue listening and waiting for her to ask if she can stay in our room...

Mom: "So if I cancel my hotel room but end up going out that day anyway, can I stay with you in your room?"

Me: "Mom, there's only one bed and the couch is way too thin."

Mom: "I'll sleep on the floor!"

Me: "Mom, no, it's not appropriate to be in my wedding suite during the wedding week."

Mom: "I don't understand, you guys live together, what's the difference?!"

Me: "It's not appropriate."

Mom: "You have made it very clear that you don't want me there those days before the wedding."

(That part is kinda true, we wanted to be alone but she wanted to come sooner.)

Me: "Mom, you know I've already bought tickets to events that include you, and we have brunch plans on this day as well. I'd rather you be safe and if you have to fly out a couple of days later, then it's fine."

Mom: "I'm worried I'm going to miss your wedding and then you'll be mad I missed your wedding!" (Because she told me 20 years ago that she wouldn't attend my wedding if I married a woman. She's come a long way since then, and she loves my partner.)

I never thought my own mother would be so enmeshed with me that she would suggest to stay in my room with me. Why? I don't even understand why you would want to stay with your daughter and her new wife in her wedding suite?

I can't believe I had to tell the woman who raised me, the woman who taught me manners and respect, I cant believe I had to explain to her why she can't stay in the room with me and my partner.

I feel so guilty, probably because I've been told to feel guilty as a child, and I know I'm making the right decision. Never expected my own mother to be a monster-in-law.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's inital post:

Sounds like you handled it correctly. Stick to your boundaries. Make sure there is a room available so she can't pull any stunts. Congrats to both of you!

maroongrad

And make sure she doesn't have your room number and can't convince the front desk to give her a key. Give them a heads-up that she is not to know your room number or have access.

“Mom, this isn’t about you. It’s about my partner and I getting married.”

Repeat as needed (forever?)

Two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.

Well, I’m sure you all are wondering how the wedding went and where Mom slept…I feel my story has taken a sad turn. My relationship with my mother is worse than I thought. I’ll get to the story now…

We both arrived at the airport around the same time from our different flights, and my mom had a pain that affected her walking. Not great, since we’re going to be walking around in Vegas. I offer Advil multiple times and she rejects it.

I believe she may have taken it one time from me. We arrive at her hotel first, I assume she never canceled her reservation lol because she had a reservation. We dropped our bags at her room and got on with our plans. Later that night, my wife and I checked into our suite - alone.

The first fight with my mom was the next day in my suite. She had interrupted me several times that day (one of our many problems), then pointed out how I interrupted her.

At one point I tried to once again begin my story, she interrupts me and I exasperate, “Do you know how many times I’ve tried to tell this story today and you’ve interrupted me?”

Then I said, “Do you do this to everyone, or just me?” And she put her middle finger in my face, screaming at me, “F you, F you, F you.” My wife had to intervene and say, “Whoa! That was not necessary!”

My wife later told me she almost threw her out of our room. I stuck to my “I statements” and I said, “When you cut me off, it makes me feel like what I’m saying isn’t important.” I should have addressed the “F. U.’s” but it was too heated at the time. I tried to de-escalate and will address this at a later time.

At this point I’m realizing my mother is immature, emotionally immature. Whatever feelings she’s feeling when I confront her, genuinely btw, asking her if she truly does this to everyone or just me, she can’t handle it and freaks out on me like a high schooler. It’s sad. I’m devastated, actually.

To have this insight on my wedding getaway caused me a lot of pain. I’ve looked for answers for a long time. I’ve thought maybe she’s narcissistic, my therapist mentioned possible BPD, but I’m looking into emotional immaturity at the moment. I’ve learned it can coincide with narcissism, or BPD, so I can’t necessarily write those off.

Then the night after that, the rest of the party starts to arrive. My wife’s best friend arrives very late and has a reservation in our hotel. She calls my wife to let her know her room isn’t ready, and they’re looking for a room for her.

My mother pipes in, “She didn’t call?! AnonymousBrides!! (My name) She didn’t call in advanced to let them know?!” I realize very quickly this sounds like she’s putting the responsibility on me, that the friend’s problem is now suddenly my problem. “Mom, I don’t know if she called in advanced.

She’s responsible for her own travel and her own hotel room,” I say. She responds, “Well, are you going to let her stay in your hotel room if she doesn’t get a room?” I reply, “No, she’s not staying in my room, there are plenty of hotel rooms in Vegas, she will get a room tonight. She’s a big girl, Mom.” “That’s effed up!” She says.

A good friend of mine also came on the trip with her new partner. Stayed in a different hotel - not a problem. She didn’t arrive to my hotel suite until we were about to be picked up from the limo. She gets along with my mom really well.

The minute we were in the limo, the two of them were attached at the hip and I feel like I barely spoke to my friend. I have video and pictures specifically of them ignoring everyone else in the limo and speaking only to each other. I took them because I felt like the party was kind of separated in the limo.

The wedding went off without a hitch! It was absolutely beautiful and I was so incredibly happy. Crying tears of joy, I hope, and not tears of how much in pain I was from the emotional week I had already had.

The next morning, my friend once again ignored me to have breakfast with her partner. We discussed in advanced the time everyone was getting together, and she scheduled her reservation for 30 minutes before. She sat at a different table and ate alone with her partner.

We got a table next to her with two extra chairs, but she did not join us. She later asks my wife if I’m upset, and my wife responds, “she thought she’d spend a little time with you on the trip.” I try to let the feeling go, I’m just devastated by the people I’m allowing in my life at the moment. I am really considering evaluating these relationships.

Later in my hotel room that night, I receive a text from my good friend saying that she’s taking off a little early from the trip, blames it on work. I really don’t know why she even came? Just for the vacation I guess. I barely said two words to her in the 5 hours I saw her. Sad, sad, sad. I am so sad about this, about all of this.

Other than the drama, I really enjoyed the trip. I had a lovely time with my wife, and very happy with our hair and makeup, our vendors, our ceremony. It was all so beautiful and I am thankful they came to see us get married.

I definitely had some insecurities before going on this trip, and it’s a reality I have issues with some people in my life. I am currently in therapy and had a discussion with my therapist about this. I’m certainly not going ‘no contact’ or ghosting anyone after this, but discussions need to be had, and therapy needs to continue.

Books need to be read, and practice needs to be put in place. All I can do is commit myself to a healthy life in all ways, practice radical acceptance. If anyone has any advice on how to let go of the pain, accepting it, or trying to be less emotional about it all, I’m open ears. Thanks for listening - relationships are hard, especially with emotionally immature people.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

Congrats! It's possible mom said something to friend, making her think, you didn't want to be bothered on the trip. Don't read too deep into it. Enjoy your married life and work with your therapist.

socialdistraction

The brides should have stuck with the original plan and just eloped.

It really sounds like they essentially did…and just spent a ton more money than if they had gone with the original plan. I mean her bff ignored her. Her mother either ignored her, made her miserable, or caused her to worry. And it doesn’t sound like they got more than a couple hours with their nearest and dearest.

They could have saved a bunch of money, spared themselves the extra stress, and had a peaceful wedding weekend. But NnnnnoOooOoOo. Everyone around OP basically guilted her into having an actual wedding. BUT then essentially either ignored her, or purposely tried to piss her off.

I feel for OP and her bride. Although their wedding sounded lovely overall, it will always be a little tainted by the realizations OP had, and I’m sure it was more than frustrating for her new wife.

Everyone was saying Dementia but my thought was power play.

Also OP needs to take many steps back from this friend.

When OP mentioned her mom came a long way because she had told her years ago that she wouldn't attend a gay wedding for her daughter, then looked at her behaviour leading up to the wedding, I can't help but feel that the mother was doing it on purpose to try and get kicked out or have an excuse not to go...

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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