'AITA for expecting more than a 'thanks' text from the mom of the kid I took to Disney?'

"AITA for expecting more than a 'thanks' text from the mom of the kid I took to Disney?"

My son (M22) has autism and an intellectual disability. He graduated from high school in May.

Over the last 2 years he has spent a lot of time with 2 sisters, age 16 and 18 to work on building friendship skills. Their parents are an elementary principal and high school science teacher, respectively.

My son has spent the most time with the younger daughter. We paid her a “mommy’s helper” fee of $7/hour and for any meals, snacks, activities.

Our son is a Disney fanatic and 2 years ago we began to plan and save for his first visit to Disney World for his graduation present. We talked about bringing his behavioral therapist so my husband and I could relax and not worry about caregiving as much on the trip.

After much discussion and wanting to give our son the most typical, fun grad trip experience, we decided to ask his friend E, (F16).

In January of this year I talked to her mom about her daughter joining us on the trip. In this conversation I offered to cover the expenses of her daughter joining us.

There had been plans of their family being in Florida the same time as the Disney trip and I asked since they would be in Florida anyway, could we just meet them and then it would save on our airfare. She then said that their trip wasn’t set (which it seemed like it was) and I should just go ahead and do what was best for our schedule.

I booked the flights, lodging at a Disney Resort, meals, park tickets for the 4 of us. I never asked for any money from her and she never offered. For her birthday, my son gave her a load of Disney swag.

Before the trip I sent the mom a text to please cover her daughter’s souvenirs and any food costs above 3 meals and a snack/day. She didn’t directly address the request but I didn’t worry about it as it was such a relatively small amount.

We got to Disney and the girl told me she had $94 for the week and really wanted some special souvenirs, which she bought. During the trip we spent an additional ~$212 on tampons, shavers, desserts, Magic Band, drinks and snacks for her.

Upon return the mom sent me a “thanks so much for taking her, she had a great time!” text. Nothing else.

While the girl was never demanding and always pleasant on the trip, she is still a 16 y/o who was messy, was on her phone 24/7 and added to my sense of responsibility to keep her safe and happy. She was never bratty, but also never expressed real graciousness for being included on the trip.

I don’t have an issue with the girl at all, it is her parents. AITA for thinking they totally are ungrateful a-holes?

The whole thing hurts my heart b/c how do they view our disabled son? Like he is so low on the totem pole of life that all social graces and norms fly out the window?

AITA for thinking this family should at least show meaningful appreciation that we spent $3000 to take their daughter on a 5 day Disney trip?

Let's see what readers had to say:

faing7 writes:

YTA. How much free time did the young lady get on this trip to do what she wanted without your son? Do you honestly think she would have chosen to go on a Disney trip with your grown adult son if it wasn't free?

Let's be real: this was essentially a work trip, which is very common in the care industry. She was coming along to provide companionship for your son, which is part of her job. No, it wasn't generous of you to pay for her.

It was LESS than the standard. If you're brining your son's companion along on a trip to provide that compaintionship for him on that trip you should be paying for ALL her expenses, paying her for her time while she is working/with your son, and giving her her own time so she can have time off from working while you watch your son.

If you had a professional carer, they would have insisted on this at least. And much more per hour too.

You need to realize that while she may indeed care for your son, she is not his "friend". She would not hang out with him if she were not being paid, and thank goodness because that would be inappropriate.

This is a professional relationship for her. So when you invite her to join your family to provide your son with companionship, you're asking her to provide her labor. And she should be compensated for that.

adgha7 writes:

YTA. You knew this girl was 16 when you invited her, assumed full (financial) responsibility for her, and from the sound of it essentially had had her work for you and your son on the trip despite claiming you were bringing her as a friend.

Not only are you now complaining about how she acted like some sort of teenager (again, is she working for you or your sons teenage friend?), you make it sound like you kept an itemized list of all the things you bought for her, including food and personal hygiene items(?!), with the expectation of being paid back. After telling her parents you would take care of everything. Like, what did you expect?

As someone with autism, I also want to say that indulging your son like this is not helping him build social skills, it is setting him up for danger. I can see from an objective standpoint that he may feel more comfortable with someone smaller, closer to his own mental age.

But if his autism is profound, he will not understand the social cues when another person is uncomfortable, and he may not understand when someone is only tolerating his behavior because of your bribes.

That is not only setting him up to be exploited by people, but it may also teach him it is okay to act in ways that might get him in serious legal trouble if he behaved that way with a stranger. If you want opportunities for your son to practice social skills in a safe environment, discuss it with your behavioral therapist.

okcres6 writes:

YTA this sounds like when my aunt and uncle used to offer to take me on a trip that was really me babysitting my cousins for a weekend and not getting paid. You are not taking this girl on a trip. She’s a paid caregiver for her son.

As you said specifically, she’s there so you and your husband don’t have to do as much caregiving. It sounds like you haven’t been clear with this girl about the relationship between her and your son.

She’s getting paid to spend time with him, but only $7 an hour. She’s not quite a formal caregiver because she’s making a tiny wage and you’re around, but she’s clearly not just his friend since she’s getting paid. It’s on you as the adults to clarify the relationship and expectations.

gae6 writes:

YTA. It's super creepy that you're paying a minor to hang out with your adult son in the first place tbh. But then to be offended that her parents aren't kissing your ass after? Yeah, you're asshole.

You didn't take their daughter out of the goodness of your heart, you took her so your son would be entertained. You're acting like this is a regular family trip that you invited a friend to join, but it's not because your son is not her peer or her friend. It was a business trip for her, because she is not your sons friend.

I'm sure she enjoyed herself, cause its disney and she's she's teenage girl. But do you honestly she was having as much fun as she would if she was actually with her real friends? Or was she going along with everything your son wanted to do with no time to herself because she was at work?

She is an employee, and frankly she got the shit end of the deal. Any other carer would charge you an hourly rate in addition to room and board, so you got off cheaper than you should have anyways.

That text is more than enough "gratitude", and you're a huge asshole for expecting anything else. The world doesn't revolve around you or your son, so stop being so entitled.