'AITA for telling my mother to grow a backbone and stand up to my brother and his wife?'
"AITA for telling my mother to grow a backbone and stand up to my brother and his wife?"
AITA for telling my mother to grow a backbone and stand up to my brother and SIL? I (F18) live at home with my mother, (F51). I have two older brothers, twins, both are M24. For the sake of this post I'll call them John and Tom.
Both are married and have a baby. John's wife is Ava (F23) and Tom's wife is Gia (F24). John and Ava have been married for around a year, and Tom married Gia earlier this year.
My mum is a little obsessed with Christmas. Our family has a lot of Christmas traditions and we often go all out with celebrations.
The other week, my mum hosted a Christmas film night at our house (as is our family tradition). She invited John, Ava with their baby. She invited Tom over text and he said he cannot go as he is working, but suggested that she talk to Gia directly, as she may like to go.
This caused John and Ava to get unsettled and they said Tom doesn't get to just choose who goes, and they asked my mum to not invite Gia otherwise she's "setting a bad prescedent". My mum chose to accept this and didn't invite her, and kept the film night a secret from her.
Shit hit the fan recently because Gia found out she had been excluded through a post made by Ava on Facebook. She had plans on that day anyway with her own parents but said it would've been nice to have at least been invited. She's very upset with my mum and John and Ava.
I've now been caught in the crossfire because Gia has been asking me why I didn't say anything to her about this. Tom is also upset with us and said that we are all bullies.
This has caused tension between me and my mum, because I feel like I'm being held responsible for what she chose to do. Last night, John came round to get Ava's lipstick that she had forgotten at our house and he was making very rude, unprompted comments about Gia.
He said that she's a dramatic b&ch and that he can't believe his brother is with someone like her. I told John that I really don't want to listen to this and that I think he's being unfair to Gia. John just started tutting and sighing and left.
This caused an argument between me and my mum because she said that I was snarky to John and I shouldn't speak to him that way. I said I thought I was being perfectly reasonable and he shouldn't be so rude. I told my mum she needs to grow a backbone and that this whole situation is because she didn't have one, and that she needs to stand up to John and his wife.
My mum said that I don't know what Im talking about and to mind my own business. I feel like Im going crazy here especially since all of this is over a stupid film night. Am I really the AH?
Let's see what readers thought:
hoper writes:
You’re NTA. By excluding Gia at John and Ava’s request, your mom set a hurtful precedent that prioritizes their feelings over fairness and inclusion. Gia had every right to feel upset about being left out of a family tradition, even if she couldn’t attend.
John and Ava’s attempts to control who gets invited, followed by John’s rude comments about Gia, are completely inappropriate. You were right to shut down his toxic behavior rather than passively letting it slide.
Your mom seems more concerned with keeping the peace with John and Ava than addressing the harm caused to Gia and Tom. Her anger at you for being “snarky” to John is misplaced—your response was reasonable, especially given his unprompted insults.
While it might have come off as harsh, it’s understandable that you’re frustrated with how your mom handled the situation. She allowed John and Ava to dictate who was welcome, which has now caused a rift in the family. Pointing this out isn’t wrong, even if your delivery could have been softer.
fallon6 writes:
WTF does this? John and Ava's treatment of Gia is uncalled for.... why be so rude as to say SIL isn't invited if Tom can't come? Your mom rolling over and participating in their nasty little exclusion game is her own mess she made, and you were right to shut John down.
I will say this-- you can tell your mom what you think, but while she's putting a roof over your head and food in your mouth, I'd use some discretion in how you address her. You don't have to agree with her, but you will come across as more mature if you do choose to drop it with her.
If she's smart, she knows she did wrong and likely feels some shame at alienating her DIL. You might consider inviting Gia, Tom, and their little one to get together with just you for lunch at some neutral place-- not to rehash this, but to chat, and reassure Gia that the entire family isn't against her. NTA
agpou writes:
NTA BUT maybe being so forward wasn’t the way to go. People with “no back bone” tend to double down on their anxiety hence the “mind your business, you don’t know what you’re talking abt” it’s probably just hard for her to accept that she does in fact need a back bone.
I don’t think anyone is blaming YOU specifically, I think they just want people to be mad at bc they were excluded. Honestly, tell everyone to piss off and maybe apologize to your mom for how you worded things and explain a little gentler. You shouldn’t be in the middle of anything yet you are, Gia shouldn’t be pressing you because none of this is your fault.
Your brother and Ava should sound like jerks, no offense. why get so immediately “unsettled” just bc your brother said to be CONSIDERATE and ask his WIFE who is just as apart of the family as anyone else atp?
Maybe they don’t fully like her? Anyways, everyone needs to back off and be adults, I understand feeling excluded, but take that up with the people who said not to invite you for literally no reason other than “John doesn’t decide who gets to goes” WHATEVER that is supposed to mean (that comment is why I think they don’t like her bc what?)
agplura writes:
Ava is absolutely ridiculous. You’re NTA.