Mother reveals her true feelings for her 5 year old daughter; 'I'm so angry with myself for this.' UPDATED

When this mom feels guilty for what she's feeling as a mother, she shares with the internet:

"I don't like my daughter..."

I know this will make me seem bad and all, but above all I really just need a place to vent. I can't talk about it with my friends or family nor do I really want to. I'm 27 and I've had a fwb situation with a guy I went to college with.

Let's call him Mark. We were both young and not ready for a relationship. Then I got pregnant. I told Mark about it since I wanted to discuss our options. Ab@rti@n, adoption or even giving him custody if he wanted to. I never wanted kids, so I'd be fine with any compromise.

However, Mark didn't take it well. I remember him insisting we could make it work, especially since we were both in our last year old college. He wanted to get married and for us to be a family. I refused. He got his family involved. They called and texted me all the time, even showing up at my part-time job.

I know I have no one to blame but myself, but I gave up. I had too many things going on at that time like the loss of my mother, the stress with the rest of the family and some stuff going on with my best friend that I won't get into. I remember feeling horrible, but I relented and agreed to keep the baby although I still refused to get married to Mark.

Now we have a 5 year old daughter together. I'm a mess. I never wanted kids and although I'm trying, I can't feel any motherly love for her. What makes it worse is that she's genuinely a good kid. She doesn't throw much tantrums, she's always kind and she doesn't expect much.

I feel guilty for hating her. I feel bad all the time. I only get to have her on the weekends and Mark has her every other day, but that doesn't make me feel better. She talks about wanting to see me and her dad together, but I just can't. I screamed at her once when she drew a little picture of me and Mark holding hands. I apologized after, but I still felt so guilty.

I don't know what I'm doing. I just needed to write everything down and get it off my chest. I know I'm a bad mother, I know it. But I don't know how to be better. I don't even know if I want to be better. I just want to give up my parental rights, but even the thought makes me feel even worse. I'm stuck in a hell of my own making, I know I should've fought harder and probably just abort her. Damn me for being weak, I guess.

Let's see what readers had to say:

flingwe writes:

Just leave. My mom left me with my dad and within a year he had a new wife who has raised me and been my mom and I’m so much better for it. I also have a friend with a teenage stepdaughter in the same situation—hers was a teen mom and dipped while the kid was a baby and she’s better off not knowing her mom.

She’s super close with her dad and stepmom. Kids pick up on that energy that you don’t want them. Why torture yourself her and the dad?

fendergenda writes:

First off, tough love ok? You are too old to be acting like this. You need to get your shit together. You're talking like a teenage mother, you don't get the same excuses they do. Grow up, you could have had an ab@rti@n but didn't, you have no one to blame but you for that right? But that doesn't matter now, it's all in the past. There is no sense being stuck there you got to move past it.

You got the kid now, you don't even have her full time like most moms would, so you got to pull your shit together for 2 days a week. Even if it is an act, you act like the most loving parent on the face of the earth. Don't f up an innocent kid and give them future years of therapy to deal with. Act.

Act your heart out for a few days a week. Fake it till you make it. If you haven't gotten better by the time she grows up at least she can realize her mom is a loss cause when she is older and more mature to deal with it. Right now she is so innocent, you have a duty to protect that.

greety writes:

Therapy is a MUST. Before you can make an informed decision, you need to stop actively hating yourself. Look, I always knew that my mom didn’t like me (was pretty sure she didn’t love me, when I was a kid). I figured out enough to forgive her and start to heal.

But I was almost 59 years old, two years ago, when I learned that I was a rape baby. This knowledge has given me so much compassion for my mom; there was truly no time that she ever could have told me before she did. But I’m incredibly sad for myself — and for that sad little girl and surly adolescent.

You and your daughter can have a much better outcome. With the help of therapy and perhaps some short-term family counseling, you can explain to her in age appropriate language that you don’t want to be a mother and never did; that you not being in her life in the traditional mother.

daughter way is/was/will be because she’s a wonderful person with a wonderful father who deserves to be loved in a way that is not possible for you.

And who knows; when she’s 15, 20, or 30 you might love hanging out with her. Or maybe you won’t. The important thing is that you stop hurting her (not trying to be a dick here, especially bc I think you are incredibly courageous to come here and honestly lay it all out, but your apathy and antipathy ARE definitely hurting her) and stop hurting yourself.

Stay courageous and do the work you need to do to in order to transition to the next stage. You will not regret it. Now go find a good therapist.

And now, OP's Update:

Some things have happened and I need to write them down, maybe even get some insight.

I'll call my daughter Abby for the sake of this post. I ended up telling Mark about my desire to change the custody arrangement and maybe even removing my parental rights. Many people here agreed that it's the best choice, both for me and for Abby.

He didn't take it well and actually texted me about it through the week. He insisted we could work out whatever was bothering me.

We agreed a while ago that texting is okay, but calls are for emergencies only. So when he called me on Friday evening and pleaded with me to come see Abby, I agreed.

This is what I really need to talk about. I've seen Abby cry before, but this was something else. She had a complete meltdown, screaming and crying once I got there. She just clung to my leg and screamed at me not to leave her, why did I want to leave her, what did she do wrong.

I cried. I was honestly horrified with how badly she reacted. Mark's mom ended up telling Abby that I was planning on leaving her and she's not going to go to my house this weekend.

I had to take Abby to my place sooner than expected and Mark actually spent the night over as well. He said he's too concerned with Abby and with me to leave us alone.

I'm completely lost. Even with the way I said that I want to give up my parental rights, I just can't do it now. The image of Abby crying and pleading with me not to leave is just stuck in my mind. I feel hopeless about the entire situation.

Currently, I'm laying with Abby on the couch and she's watching TV. She hasn't really left my side since yesterday. I'm used to her pointing at the TV while talking about her favorite characters of whatever cartoon is on.

Right now, she's just laying by my side and staying quiet. I can hear Mark moving around in the kitchen. He called in sick to work and said he's staying here for the weekend. I have no idea what to do. And I'm sorry, but I no longer want to leave Abby, that's not an option anymore.

Edit: I'd just like to edit and ask for some suggestions about online therapy? What sites do I look for that I'm sure will help me and don't cost too much? Mark is already looking into therapists for Abby in the area, but I'd like to ask for some individual therapy I could attend online. Maybe even suggestions for child therapists online in case Mark doesn't find anyone.