'AITA for mouthing off at my stepmother's mom when she asked me to do the dishes?'
"AITA for mouthing off at my stepmother's mom when she asked me to do the dishes?"
I (24F) travel home to my Dad (50M) and StepMoms(46F) house for Christmas. SMoms parents H (F) and T (M) also usually come.
Christmas Day 2024, I was alone in the house with H and T. While I was sitting on the couch, H walked up to me, and asked me to wash the dishes. I agreed, and stood to go do them. As I made my way to the kitchen, she continued to talk about how I never contribute and how sad it is that the burden always falls on my parents.
After shrugging off several comments about how lazy I was, I got very frustrated with the disrespect. I casually said "You know, when I was in high school, if I didn't do the dishes, I wasn't allowed to use the car," alluding to my stepsister J (16F)(H's biological grand daugher) and how she was not expected to do any chores and was currently using the car to drive around with her friends.
H was immediately furious and began yelling at me. I'm not so sure what she said because as soon as she raised her voice, I walked away. Needless to say, I spent the rest of my Christmas vacation shut off in the guest room.
Stepmom and I spoke about it over the phone in March. It was a very emotionally heavy but productive conversation, and I thought the matter was at rest.
In August, my dad calls me to talk about Christmas plans.
He mentioned they were planning to go to FL to spend the holidays with SMom's parents. I was also planning to go to FL, as I have other family and good friends I'm close with in that area. I had booked an AirBNB and had mentioned wanting to try and see my parents and siblings for Christmas morning. He told me "If I was you, I wouldn't presume I was invited."
When I asked him to explain, he pointed to the previous encounter with H, saying "You basically told her to go f herself" and claiming H, T and SMom were still "super pissed". I said ok and ended the call. It crushed me. That week, I called SMom to ask her about the situation. She had no idea she was allegedly still upset, and claimed both her and H had long since forgotten about it.
A month later (Sep), Dad calls me to tell me Christmas is back at their house and ask what are my plans. I told him I wasn't planning to come since I wasn't invited. He then claimed that wasn't what he meant, and that all he said was I shouldn't assume H and T would host me overnight at their house without asking them.
I asked him why he would say that when I told him I had booked an AirBnb, but he didn't have an answer. I then tried to explain the pain I had carried knowing my family didn't want me home for Christmas, and how it made me feel excluded, but he interrupted to say it was all in my head. At that point, I felt dismissed and I told him to call me when he was ready to talk.
Fast forward to today, when he sends me two catty texts me to say there is nothing to talk about, and that I need to have some "introspection and accountability" on my part. I'm so devastated and not even sure how it even got this deep. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Familiar_Shock_1542 wrote:
In my opinion, what you said to H was not mouthing off. You were merely stating a fact.
Her comments and accusations to you, however, were entirely out of line. She has no business trying to parent you or otherwise 'straighten you out' in any way.
That she was acting like that on a sacred holiday just makes it worse. Your dad is a troublemaker and a liar. Has he pulled stunts like this before? He has no excuse for his hurtful behavior. I would make arrangements to see the nice members of your family away from TAs. You are definitely NTA. Just about everyone else in the story is an AH.
OP responded:
It's definitely been a pattern where he inserts himself where not needed (and usually picks whatever side I'm not on.) I think he genuinely thinks he is helping and playing mediator. But I don't understand how it's even that deep that he feels it needs a mediator.
ugh_idfk wrote:
I'm gonna go with NTA for what you said. She was a guest in your father's home, same as you, so who tf is she to tell you to clean the dishes? What, if anything had she done to help around the house? It was not her place to say any of that to you. When she got pissy, I'd have just told her 'don't start none, won't be none.' With regards to your father's behavior since, he's absolutely TA.
parlay_pass_rum wrote:
NTA your dad is gaslighting you He implied you weren’t wanted at the house at all then back peddled when you went to stepmom for clarification. Your dad didn’t want you there so enjoy Christmas with other family.
Maybe limit visiting your dads family to dinner only do no one to one arguments can be made and your stepmoms parents can’t lay into you about your behaviour which seems to be the black sheep or your dad bad mouthing you to stepmom parents lots. Clearly not a favourite child of dad's but your stepmom's is enabling that favouritism of chore list.
eliteautosoundsales wrote:
NTA. Your dad literally told you not to assume you're invited to Christmas, then acted like he never said it and you're imagining things. The dishes thing was nothing,, you pointed out your stepsister doesn't do chores and her grandma lost it. Even your stepmom says it's over.
Katzakat wrote:
If you haven't figured it out yet, your dad is a narcissist. Google and read Harpy's Child and see how that resonates with you. NTA. Your dad sure is, though. Start doing what you enjoy for Christmas. Never let anyone tell you someone else said something. It's a just another form of the old childhood game Operator. You never know where the story changes.