'AITA for not wanting to move in with my BF after getting out of the hospital?' UPDATED

"AITA for not wanting to move in with my BF after getting out of the hospital?"

I (23F) recently got diagnosed with MDR-TB. It’s a drug-resistant form of tuberculosis. After having kind of dismissed symptoms for a long time (I did not think I had anything serious going on until it got progressively worse), I collapsed during a trip abroad, and the hospital stay was horrific.

I was in and out of consciousness, after a while dealing with organ failure, nerve pain, and constant nausea. I had to stay in the hospital for more than a month. I’m still recovering, it’s going to take at least a year to feel somewhat normal.

The issue is my boyfriend (27M), “Jake.” We have been together for about 5 years now. He was supportive while I was in the hospital, messaging me daily and even visiting when he could. But now that I’m out, he keeps bringing up how this whole thing made him realize life is short and we should move in together. He’s been pushing this idea since week one of my discharge.

I’m barely functional right now. I still have to take medications daily, which come with horrible side effects. My energy is so low I can’t even walk for long periods, and I’ve had to move in with my mom because I can’t manage on my own yet. Jake says he’ll take care of everything if I move in with him, but honestly, I don’t trust it. He’s kind, but he’s also notoriously lazy, he can barely keep his apartment clean.

I can’t imagine adding my needs into that mess. I’ve told him he’d need to deep-clean the place, declutter, and keep it that way. On top of that, he smokes occasionally. It’s not a lot, usually just when he’s stressed or out with friends, but I told him that he has to quit entirely.

Besides, his friends drop by constantly, often without warning. I can’t deal with loud gatherings or unexpected visits right now, so I told him that has to stop too. I feel like I’d end up taking care of him instead, which I physically and emotionally can’t do right now.

When I told him I’m not ready to move in, he got really defensive, and accused me of not being serious about our relationship at all. He said I’m “using my illness as an excuse” and thinks I’m being overdramatic about the recovery process because I’m already out of the hospital.

Oh and something I did not mention, he once said well, you should be glad it is not cancer! (His dad got diagnosed earlier this year, but it is a dumb comparison imo).

I tried to explain how dangerous it is for me to skip even one dose of my medication and how I’m still struggling with basic daily tasks, but he just got defensive and said something like, I’ve done everything for you these past few months, and it feels like you don’t even appreciate that.

I told him that just because he visited me in the hospital (which I actually think is the bare minimum of what a boyfriend should do) doesn’t mean he’s ready to be my caretaker and that I don’t need another burden in my life right now. Now that I think about this maybe that was a bit harsh of me to say.

Since then, he’s been distant. I know he loves me and wants to help, and I wonder if I’m being too defensive or if I should try harder to meet him halfway. A part of me also feels like he’s making this all about himself when I’m the one who almost died. He has been telling friends I’m ungrateful for everything he did while I was sick and I am just trying to find an excuse not to move in with him.

They’re split: some think he’s being pushy, but others think I should give him a chance to prove he can step up. He has already wanted to move in with me even before I got sick but then I thought I was too young. I think maybe that is why he is like this. AITA for refusing to move in with him unless he makes a ton of changes, even though he’s been really supportive in other ways while I first got sick?

*EDIT* I have talked to him this morning, and we made the agreement to first try it for a week to see if he can keep his promises to me. My mom is helping me pack some of my stuff, so I can go there tomorrow morning. I really want to try to make this work (I know I sounded negative about him but I think part of my problem is also just that I do not like feeling of being a burden to him).

He does live 2 hours away from where my mom lives, but if anything happens and I want to go back to her place she will just come and pick me up. I will keep you updated.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

1972formula said:

NTA, if he’s lazy while you don’t live there, he’ll be more lazy when you do and guilt trip you for not being a maid.

Background_Recipe119 said:

NTA. He sounds really immature, and is definitely making it all about himself, AND is throwing you under the bus in the process. Stay with your mom where you are guaranteed support, don't risk your health for someone who can't acknowledge their own shortcomings in this situation to do what's best for you, and is unwilling to understand the seriousness of your condition. You're lucky to be alive.

SecretOscarOG said:

Ask him what he did while you were in the hospital? And then ask him "that's all? I thought i was ungrateful for all you did and all you did was show up? What do i even have to be ungrateful about? Thats not doing anything."

OP responded:

Apparently also when I was not awake, so long days just sitting there. It must have been boring for him. He did some other things too, like watering my plants at home, he kept in touch with the place I work at to give them updates about me, made sure I got my mail. He also got me flowers!

And GlimmeringDreas said:

NTA, your health comes first. Trust your instincts and prioritize recovery over relationship pressure.

Four days later, she posted this update and it's a doozie:

Hello everyone. Thank you all for your responses when I last posted here. I should have listened to all of you. My trial did not last more than 2 days.

The first day was great. We have the same sense of humor, it is just different being with him than being at my parents. I like the physical aspect, caressing, hugging, etc. (my mom is not like that, she is just very serious and stern).

He had an air purifier/humidifier that he bought which I think is really considerate, reminded me of my medication and gave them to me on said times. The apartment looked cleaner than ever and he made sure I eat enough and I don’t have to do anything.

But he seems more irritated and still not completely understanding. Some things he says are also more easily rubbing me the wrong way after reading the comments people left. Like for example that I am sleeping too much during the day so that is why I can not sleep at night and I should stop doing that, but I am just exhausted regardless of the time of day and also my nerve pain is worse at night.

He still smoked (on the balcony and not inside but still!!!). He was super apologetic when I said that I did not want that either, he claimed he did not know, he would not do it again, he will buy nicotine strips (I did not even know he now actually smokes that much to need something like that, he didn’t about 2 months ago)

I found out why he wanted this in the first place, besides wanting to be with me and moving forward in our relationship. Not some weird caretaking fantasy but money. I could stop the lease on my place (which I probably will do anyway, I am not going there anywhere soon) and split his bills. Mind you I do not even earn that much as a sports coach and especially not now where I am not able to.

What happened the next day that made me leave:

Yesterday I woke up, feeling sick, but I do not see my boyfriend anywhere. It’s a 1 bedroom apartment, so he should not be hard to miss. I thought he was on the toilet but after 10 minutes I decide to call his name and he does not respond. He is not on the toilet. He is not taking out the trash either. I called him on his phone, and he does not pick up. Here I start to get a bit panicked.

I called him a second time and he says he is back in 5 minutes (he wasn't, it took him 20 minutes because he got stuck in traffic). FROM WHERE? Apparently he had to deliver a key to his workplace or else they could not open.

My BF was the last one to close last week and normally the first to open on Monday. He did not think about he still had the key at home, now he took free from work. He did not want to wake me up and it is less than 10 minutes each way (without traffic, he did not calculate that) but I DID NOT KNOW HE LEFT ME ALONE. And I have no way of knowing how long before I woke up he left the house.

If it wasn’t for all the comments I have gotten on my posts here I would have said I’m overreacting and he meant well but I don’t like this. What if something happened and I was there by myself?? He did not even pick up his phone the first time I called.

So. I called my mom and she came, she was nearby and did not tell me, because apparently she already was expecting something like this. My boyfriend got mad I called my mom and that he had to take free from work now for nothing.

What is going on now?

So, after yesterday’s incident, I am at my moms place. Honestly, my mom was already super mad at me for even considering going to him. My boyfriend messaged me saying he messed up, he is sorry he scared me, and that he should have left a note.

The thing is, I started second-guessing myself. I was lying in bed feeling like maybe I was overreacting. But then I remembered what some of you said and this isn’t just about one mistake. It’s about a pattern of behavior that shows he’s not ready to step up when it matters most.

Around lunchtime, he showed up at my mom’s house. No warning, I did not know. My mom answered, she told him that now wasn’t a good time. He started arguing with her right there saying he had a right to talk to me. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I went to the door.

He said things like “Why are you letting your mom control everything?” and things like that he can’t believe I just left like that and that I am making him look bad. I did not even know how to respond so I just looked at him, went back to my room, and haven’t spoken to him.

My mom held it together until he left, but she is livid. She told me “You’re not going back to him. Not now, not ever.” Now I’m sitting here feeling bad about myself haha. This is such a mess. I thought I was scared of being alone, but honestly? I also think I am scared of feeling out of control.

I always thought my life was something I can "modify". When I was younger, I thought I could shape my life exactly how I wanted. When bad things happen you just fix them. Like training for a competition, just put in the work and you'll get where you want.

But there are things you can’t change or foresee, illnesses, people passing away, wars breaking out, suddenly getting fired, and so on. I am just having to come to terms with that. Thanks to everyone who’s been following along and giving advice. I might keep you posted as I figure out my next steps, but for now, I’m take things one day at a time.

We are now looking into other options as well as my mom only gets 6 weeks off of work to take care of me and she already used 4, and we don't expect me to be able to be fully on my own while she is working within 2 weeks (although I hope I will be!!).

TL;DR I left, he is my ex now