'AITA for demanding to move states or have my husband get 2 jobs after finding out a huge secret?'
"AITA for demanding to move states or have my husband get 2 jobs after finding out a huge secret?"
Financial-Body-3317
My husband (34M) and I (32F) have been together for 6 years and now have a 10 month old baby. I moved out here to the Bay Area from the east coast for him and our life together. I feel as is I have made a lot of sacrifices on my end and am starting to become resentful towards my husband and in laws.
For background context I come from an immigrant family raised poor and have done very well for myself. I was the first one in my entire extended family to go to college and still the only one to be a collegiate athlete.
I have worked since I was 14 at any hosting/waitressing gig that I could find. To this day I still help support my family financially as most eldest children of immigrants do. Regardless I managed to save up 250k by age 27.
I fell in love with my husband at that age and decided to move out to him after a 1 1/2 year of making long distance work. We were both on the same page of what we wanted in life with family etc.
My now husband however is a white male with a relatively privileged background in comparison. Moving 3000 miles from everything I knew was hard for sure but I jumped in and made it work and found a way.
After moving to california I found a good paying job in a new industry/career I wanted to pursue after only 3 months. And quickly in 5 years I am now able to make annually what I had originally saved up. As I’m sure everyone knows affording living in California is no easy feat but with my large lump savings it has allowed us to become home owners.
After having a baby however the stress of finances and reliable help has heightened. Day care for a 40 hour work week is 3000-4000 a month in my area, and as hard as I’ve researched there is nothing (and I wish I was exaggerating) under 2900 a month.
Before taxes are taken out that is easily the equivalent of a 60-70k job. My mother in law is a retired pre school teacher of almost 40 years. Part of the reasoning of my move was to have my MIL around to help raise our babies.
She seems like a perfect fit right? We weighed out all 3 options, move to him, move to me, or move somewhere new entirely. We both wanted to be close to family and decided that my husbands place would be the most ideal.
He also kind of guilt tripped me into agreeing since they were older than my parents and its best to spend more time with them as we‘ll have more time with my mom later. My MIL however is the most passive aggressive person I have ever met, BUT ONLY TO ME!
She has 2 sons and I am married to the youngest. She doesn’t have a good relationship with her other daughter in law but would literally kiss her rings to get her approval.
I have always gone above and beyond to be kind and giving to her. In comparison to her other daughter in law I am a complete 180. She has a key and an open door policy to my place, I converse and spend time with her for hours and I constantly cook and or buy dinner for them on a weekly basis.
I am thoughtful and buy all the family’s presents for all holidays and birthdays. When the men are around she is the sweetest thing but when its just us, always throws the most jabs at me.
From saying things like “oh my you sure you’re not going to break your ankle in those or are you just trying to get attention” “wow more food are you trying to make me fat/out do me?” “Is that new, ive never seen it, do you have a shopping addiction he he” To even “I'm not sure we need you around here making us look bad you sure you don’t miss the east coast?”
I take it in the chin with a smile on my face and always change the subject as I was always taught to not talk back to my elders. My husband told that she was going to take care of the baby once its time for me to go back to work.
Weeks before that time came she started talking about how busy she was with volunteering and sending daycare recommendations our way as a hint. When her and my husband had that talk everything seemed fine as she started watching the baby 5x a week. I'm the one who does the drop off and pick up however and I have to hear it every day 2x a day.
To her son she only says how happy and lucky she is to get to spend time with her granddaughter etc. To me she is saying how it takes up so much of her time and its boring watching a baby. My husband doesn’t even believe me.
After sacrificing my family (which I miss so deeply) my friends, and even my passion in life which was coaching youth sports just to jump in the corporate bs world because I recognized quickly that’s what it would take to live comfortably out here, IM DRAINED. All my money, time, efforts and energy have gone into him and his family pretty much and I can’t even get the support I was promised.
Honestly it would have been easy for me to just buy a house straight up for 250k on the east coast have no mortgage, just coach and make a little money but it was what made me happy, and have my mom around who would happily help with our babies around.
Instead I’ve given it all to this man for this situation and for my MIL to constantly complain about “how much i do for you” instead of recognizing how much I’ve done for her son. It infuriates me.
My mother would view this as a privilege not a burden and cries every time we have to FaceTime. My MIL has asked me to ”take a day or two off work every week” or “make sure you try to be here by 2 when my shows starts” and I’m at a breaking point.
I’ve been sneaking into work late and getting out early for months now just to ease her load. But I’m struggling at work and it’s noticeable in my results now. I also make more money then my husband by 6 figures and have the financial pressures on my back.
One day I snapped back with “that’s something you're gonna need to talk to your son about” and all hell broke loose. My husband came home outraged that I had said so many derogatory things to his mom, shamed her for not being a good enough caretaker, the works.
She then said she “needed space” and I took a week off work in order to take care of the baby. I went to try and smooth things over with her after a couple days and found her incredibly hammered at 9am in the morning. Stumbling on her words and feet, my FIL came out looking mortified and tried to hide her back in her room.
I figured she was upset and left it at that only to try to go back the next morning TO THE SAME THING. After talking to my husband he finally tells me that she is a struggling alcoholic and has been for 50 years!
He says “but she’s a functioning alcoholic so she just needs to get this intense period out of her system she’ll bounce back“ The rage and disbelief I had with both the situation and my husband was out of control.
Was she drinking while watching the baby? You knew about this and put our daughter in that situation? To save money on daycare you let our daughter there knowingly? Functioning wtf?!
Was all her BS a way to get distance so she could drink? The more I thought back there were definitely days where I just thought she was more loopy than others, was that her drinking a moderate amount?
After talking to my SIL it was and she has been drinking every day without a day off for the last 20 years and that’s why they had a tainted relationship. I didn‘t talk to my husband for days and started looking for other homes on the east coast closer to my family.
After a couple days I sat him down and only said this... “Here are other homes we can move to or you get another job to cover the bills or I’m reporting all of you to CPS and there is no more us and our family” It feels harsh, so Am I the A****** for bluntly dropping this ultimatum on my husband?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
CartographerPlane685
NTA- your husband put your child at risk of harm and hid that from you. You’re taking action to protect your child that he should have taken from the beginning.
Free_Piece5227
NTA. Ruuunnn back to where the people who love you are on the east coast.
ERVetSurgeon
NTA. Your husband really brings nothing to the table. It is time to stop letting them treat you as a second class citizen. File for divorce and child support and move back to where your family is. If you don't, THIS is your life for as along as you live. Don't you think you deserve better?
BlueGreen_1956
I read all of that and I have no advice to give.
What a messed-up mess you have found yourself in.
Individual_You_6586
You rock! And honestly, I don’t think I would have given him two alternatives to pick from. I would say he had lured me over on false pretenses and that as of now, he was no longer allowed to give his two cents on how things will be going - I would make the decisions and he can join me back east or break up.