'AITA for moving across the country? My legal guardian says I’ll make her and my stepdad homeless.'
"AITA for moving across the country for a better job, even though my legal guardian says I’ll make her and my stepdad homeless?"
I (19M) was recently offered a full-time job on a military base in South Carolina. It pays $21/hr and comes with full benefits. I currently work retail in Michigan for $13/hr, so this is a major upgrade — both financially and for my future. Here’s the issue: I still live with my legal guardian (50F) and her husband (my stepdad, 54M).
She got full guardianship of me when I was a kid, after my biological father passed away and my biological mother gave up her rights. She’s not related to me by blood. My guardian and stepdad are financially struggling. He’s on dialysis five days a week, and she does Instacart for extra income.
She says she can’t work a regular job because she needs to be home for his treatments. As a result, I’ve been helping cover major household expenses — my income has basically become part of their survival plan. When I told her about the job offer and my plans to move, she immediately said, “If we end up homeless, it’ll be your fault.” She accused me of being selfish and abandoning them.
She also flipped out when I told her I’d be moving in with my "sister" ("mom's" bio daughter, 27F) - someone I’ve recently reconnected with, and who offered to let me stay with her family until I find my own place.
To clarify:
My "sister" and "mom" don't have a good relationship. Or any relationship now. You see, when I was 13, my "sister's" bio father bought her a car, and her and her husband decided to move to SC. My "sister" tried to convince me to move to SC with her because "mom" is a "narcissist and toxic." I didn't believe her then.
If I had moved with her to SC, "mom" could've reported her for "kidnapping."
Since the move, my "mom" and "sister" are estranged. My "sister" even ignored "mom" while visiting for my high school graduation.
My "mom" despises her and sees me staying with her as betrayal.
I feel incredibly torn. I do care about them and I’ve been helping financially, but I don’t want to stay stuck in a dead-end job forever. I offered to continue sending them money once I’m financially stable, but that apparently isn’t enough.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
ambitious-border-906 wrote:
First things first, she is not your legal guardian: You are 19, an adult (legally) and she has no parental rights over you whatsoever. Secondly, and more importantly, she is using you. Sorry to sound harsh, but she doesn’t care about you, she only cares about your money.
If you move for this new job, there is nothing stopping you sending money home if you want to, but you are under no obligation to and she needs to stop with the emotional blackmail.
There is only one AH here OP and it isn’t you…
No-Muffin5324 wrote:
NTA. You must take care of you. Your "guardian" and her husband have used you as their meal tickets. Move, cut ties, and never look back. Get into some therapy as soon as you can.
There's a lot you're going to end up unraveling and it will be a hard but ultimately fulfilling ride. It's not uncommon for people to feel obligation, sympathy, and even some love for their abusers. I'm sorry you've gone through all this, but you are making the right choice to go. Go live your life and rekindle your relationship with your sister. 💖💖
IcePlanetGoth wrote:
NTA. Your sister is probably right: guardian sounds like a narcissist. They consider anything and everything a betrayal. She's pissed that you're trying to get out from under her control. She doesn't sound like she cares all that much about you since she'd rather you work a shitty retail job instead of a better paying job with benefits.
Your guardian could take in a tenant for extra money, get a full time job and have carers come in to look after her husband. There's other ways she could make this work. It's not on you, a teenager who is just starting out in life, to make everything work for them.
TeenySod wrote:
NTA. Their bio daughter is no contact *for a reason* - and that reason is that your guardian is being entitled. You don't somehow "owe" them for your upbringing - as a minor, you did not have a choice of who was going to be in a parent role, and I should imagine the state paid her for looking after you until you reached 18?
Now you are an adult, it is fair for you to contribute to household costs. Their situation sucks: even so, you don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, the guilt tripping and the expectation that you should be the main provider puts them squarely in AH territory.
Once you are financially stable, do NOT send them money: you are just starting out in life and need to get yourself set up with your own housing, car - and may want to go to college and / or start a family in future.
zeeelfprince wrote:
NTA. The guilt tripping is disgusting. You are the child in this scenario. It will never be YOUR fault that they did not succeed in life, and to imply otherwise is appalling.
There is 100% a reason your sister is NC with your former legal guardians, and my suggestion is that you take her up on her offer to move in with her and gtf out of dodge. That job opportunity sounds wonderful; embrace it, and a fresh start with your sister, away from all the drama and guilt.